Playlist: Music and Reflection

Seven years old - I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

The first song I can remember relating to is this song. I remember watching the movie Crossroads and Britney Spears was in her prime. I know. Typical. Every girl relates to this song. The simple fact of not wanting to be a child anymore, let me grow up, but also not knowing who the heck I am suppose to be. I was just a girl with divorced parents and with a new stepdad, a narrative more common than not, but to me, it was a decision made by my parents that made me feel like I will never be happy. How am I suppose to grow up with my parent's split up going back and forth and having to make decisions such as "who do I want to spend Christmas with this year?" How do my siblings and I make these decisions without hurting anyone's feelings? How will I be raised correctly? Who will I be? At this point, I had no idea I was going to continue changing throughout the years. It is not like you hit a certain age and stay that way forever.

Fourteen years old- Until You're Mine

This song made an impact on my life because the way it is composed and Lovato's voice excited me. At the young age, I looked forward to listening to that song. It is the first I can remember listening to on repeat in my room. Thoughts that would go through my head included, " How is this girl my age and so talented?" Although the lyrics were not something I necessarily related to... yet, I definitely considered this song important for my early teen years because it was the first song my ears were obsessed with and as long as I had this song playing, I could complete any task with a smile on my face.

Eighteen years old- Be Okay

Imagine this. Mom and stepdad are separated. Mom has no income, she is using the little savings she has. We moved into a small apartment all of a sudden, luckily I can still go to the same high school. It is my senior year. I applied to two different colleges, but that is my limit because college applications cost money. I only applied to Nevada colleges since that is a requirement for my scholarship, an in state college. I just wanted to get out of here. I am 18 years old and the uncertainty at the time made me feel so lost and terrified. What if I do not get in to these schools? Do I even want to stay in Nevada? Do I want to leave? Am I ready to be on my own? As this is happening, my mom is contemplating whether or not she should go back to my stepdad. This made my stomach turn, I did not want to go back to that angry, controlling man. But I knew, my mom was struggling without him and I knew she still loved him. She missed him and did not want to be alone. Ultimately, I knew what her decision would be. I was watching a movie one weekend and heard the lyrics, "I just want to be okay..." They were very simple and straightforward, but those lyrics captured how I felt during my senior year in high school.

Nineteen years old - Give Me Love

Okay. Possibly the most important song. Even to this day, ten years later, this song is still my comfort go to song and my favorite all time song. Here we have Give Me Love and although I heard Sheeran's voice before, I was absolutely taken under some spell that night when I first heard "My my my, give me love". I stopped what I was doing in my dorm to find this song, I did not know the name or the name of the singer, but what I did know was I would be listening to this song for the rest of my life. Once I looked it up on my laptop, I found a live video of a redhead wearing a green hoodie in front of an orange mic. I clicked on it thinking, " let's see if this guy is actually good live." He was everything and more. I showed that video to anyone that would allow it. Nobody else was as impressed as I was. They would simply say, "Yeah, it's good." or, "It's fine." Even Sheeran after his performance calmly says, "Cool." as if I didn't just witness magic happening with his voice, guitar, loop pedal and lyrics. This song would later be played during my workouts, road trips, cleaning my room, doing homework, and literally anything you can think of. One memory I have is my mom fighting with my stepdad and coming into my room to get away. This song was playing and she all of a sudden started crying and covered her face. This song is just a beautiful song to me, I did not realize this song is a clear image of what you want, just love. I've only cried once while listening to this song. I was about 20 or 21 years old and I did not drive yet, I did not have a job yet, I lived with my controlling step dad, and I felt stuck. I did not feel like I was growing up. I was in my room trying to do a workout but feeling defeated and I started crying because I felt like nobody will ever fall in love with me. I am not worthy of being loved

Twenty-three years old- Sign of the Times

I do not want to dwell on this one. Even until this day, if this song comes on the radio, I change it. If this song comes on during shuffle on Spotify, I skip it. Don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful song but I cannot listen to it without a lump in my throat. My brother woke up on August 7th and decided to drive down to a parking lot down Boulder Highway and shot himself in the head. He was found hours later in his car slouched over the steering wheel, blood all over the front seat.This happened in 2017. This song was released in 2017. For me, this song reminds me of what my brother could've felt before he did what he did. Styles sings, "We don't talk enough, we should open up, before it's all too much... we can meet again somewhere, somewhere far away from here."

Twenty-four years old- Eastside

Such a simple and pure song. At this point in my life, so many changes happened. I took a break from my classes earlier that year, I was working full time night shifts, my little sister moved out with her boyfriend we didn't know existed, and my mom remarried. I went from living with my mom, my brother, and my sister, to just my mom and my new stepdad. I had no motivation and no drive to succeed. One thing that didn't change was my love for a friend. No matter what I was going through, I always felt better after talking to him or spending time with him. He did not know it, but I've had feelings for him for about five years, but we were just best friends. Lyrics include, "give me your heart cuz I ain't gonna break it.." which is my favorite line. Multiple things in my life were not right at the time, but I knew I could do one thing right and it was loving him. This song made me feel bittersweet and hopeful. It is a strange combination, but something about this song made me feel like everything will be fine, even if it is not fine right now.

Twenty-five years old and current- Put it All on Me

This song sums up the next couple of years for me. Starting at the age of 25, I was on cloud nine. I was going to school and working nights. I was spending time with my friends and my family. I told my best friend I wanted to be more than friends. We started dating and eventually moved in together. I later completed my school program and got the new job I wanted. I worked a 9 to 5 job and would come home to the love of my life, that is what this song captures. Feeling safe and content, having a home and having someone to share it with. "Strong heart and a soft touch, you're the one when I want love" are lyrics in the song and the definition of the love of my life.