Music is Free Therapy

It feels wild to think it all began as long ago as fifth grade when I heard “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot. Growing up, my dad always said I’d never have a drum set or electric guitar but I found such a love for music through that particular song, he caved. He surprised me one morning with my first guitar. It was an Epiphone stratocaster copy from a pawn shop. I’m pretty sure the amp he bought with it was actually for a bass but I didn’t know any different and was happy nonetheless. Within two weeks I was playing the intro riff to the song. I played it so much I bet my parents can still hear it in their sleep.

My parents put me in guitar lessons for a few years but I quickly began writing my own songs when no one else was home. It was a hobby I kept secret for years in the beginning. There are still notebooks full of angst driven middle-schooler tunes in a box somewhere in my grandmother’s attic. One day I’ll revist them and read back over some truly cringey lines probably hidden within them. In high school I started playing in the band at church and by my sophomore year in college I recorded a full-length album on my own. A friend and I bought the equipment and engineered almost all of it ourselves. I stayed so obsessed with music I majored in audio production. I’m honestlyl convinced I learned more from working on that first album than I did from actual classes.

Through college I was a bit of a loner. Writing was the main thing I had. From the time I was twelve, I knew I was gay and writing songs was my only safe space to release any of the stress. Less than a year after graduation I met a couple friends who were involved in the music scene and also part of the LGBTQ+ community. I ended up attending the same church as them and found maybe I could be all parts of myself. Maybe I didn’t have to choose.

They suggested I reach out to a specific group to try to get on a show. All I had known were shows at churches but I didn’t play that kind of music anymore so I had struggled to find where I could fit in. My first show was at a house known as Dad’s Garage in Murfreesboro, TN. I’ll never forget going to play my first song and my hand being so shaky I don’t know how I was picking the right strings. I remember I was packing my car after my set when a friend came in and told me she overheard two guys going on about how good I was and how much they loved my lyrics. That’s when things really started. The one show became another, which became another, and so on. I never had to seek out a show. They just kept popping up.

I found an absolute love for writing. A friend once told me she writes songs because it gets the thoughts out of her head and into a song, removing them from her constant thought. I don’t know if I fully understood it at the time but I certainly do now. It’s truly amazing what writing can do. There have been so many instances I picked up a guitar and wrote something off the top of my head just to realize a feeling or issue I was having that was completely subconscious.

The older I get, the harder it is to make time for music or writing but I fight to keep it a priority. It’s like free therapy keeping me sane in an insane world. Sometimes I don’t know why I still do it but then I think about playing shows and remember the moments I’ve made a crowd go silent with one of my songs or when I once heard a “wow” whispered after a lyric in a quiet moment. It’s not something I do for any kind of attention. In fact, I hate attention. It’s about connection. It’s about the listener and myself realizing we feel the same things and are far from alone. It’s watching my favorite artists or hearing a song for the first time that hits me just the right way and makes me feel something. It's how I have so many friends in the music scene and can find a friend at almost any show if I go alone. It's about the community music has given me. It’s something I never want to stop experiencing because nothing else has this power for me.