Misunderstood

I would like to start off by stating that it seems I have found myself in a backwards swimming motion my entire life. Being older now, I tend to giggle a little bit at the different emotions I felt while navigating my childhood, and my teenage years.

I only attended public school for the first semester of junior high. My parent's unenrolled me after an unruly math teacher was neglecting my need of assistance regarding his class, and I was struggling. I then spent the remainder of my teenage years in homeschool classes.

I didn't really fit in with everyone, I was too hyper, I laughed too much, it was generally something aggravating to someone else. I felt completely misunderstood - how could they take my happiness and turn it into such a horrible, lonely feeling and leave me with it after I tried so hard to make everyone else understand me?

I found my music to be a comfort zone. The artists that I listened to, one by one, unfolded the unknown before me. I couldn't understand why my peers were being so cruel to me! I found myself crying more often, depressed, anxious about the way I even dressed!

I felt unwanted, and beyond that point I soon found myself in a very dark place. At this point, I was in the 6th grade. My mom bought me my very first CD albums: Hilary Duff: Most Wanted, Avril Lavigne: Under my skin, Hilary Duff: Hilary Duff, and a Karaoke machine CD that had a collaboration of varying artists that I had never heard before!

You should have been there the first time I put my first CD in my mom's walkman. I had never used a walkman before, and music came from our radio, or a boombox. I pulled my Avril Lavigne CD out, pushed the eject button on the walkman, clicked the CD into place, closed the cover, put the headphones on (this was extremely different for me!) and pushed the play button on the front.

The entire room melted under my feet. I was surrounded by the most amazing sounds I had ever heard in my life!

I felt the guitar chords in the deepest parts of my mind, and I instantly dropped the walkman, the headphones popped off my head, and I was back in my grandparent's living room. My heart was racing from excitement! I was ready to try again as my elders roared with laughter from my reaction.

I picked up the walkman, and pushed play again after setting the soft Sony headphones on my ears. All of my racing thoughts went away as I listened to young Avril sing about her pain, and I found myself relating on a very personal level. I very rarely found myself without my mom's walkman beyond that point, and many times she had to come collect the walkman because I had literally hoarded it up in my room with me and my lonely, intrusive thoughts.

I continued on to Hilary Duff, as I was already a reknown, 'Lizzy McGuire' die hard fan. I made it a priority to see every episode on my grandparent's cable while I resided with them and my sisters. My parents were working hard on the road driving truck, sometimes for 6-9 weeks. I missed them both very much, and many times I couldn't see which side of reality was actually true.... The fact that I wanted my parents around more often, or the fact that I was slowly accepting the fate of my situation. I didn't have any friends that honestly wanted to be around me, my parents were gone working, trying to support their family, and we were just hanging around the phone hoping and praying that the next call was them telling us they were okay.

Hilary Duff taught me how to love on a whole new level. How to love myself as a person, respect myself as a person, and learn small values about relationships. She kept more of a natural look, where Avril Lavigne let her Punk side grow to new heights with new outfits, and an entire genre dedicated to females that felt the same way and supported her. I wasn't rich enough to afford merch back then, but every chance I get I try to support her. She helped me through some of the craziest parts of my life when I felt I had nobody, next to God. My family is very religious, so regardless of my mother buying the albums, I was now dubbed a trouble maker because I listened to a female punk artist. The struggle was very real for me at this point.

I soon learned about other female artists, Pink taught me how to give my all no matter the circumstances. Christina Aguilera taught me how to love without any regrets. Britney Spears taught me how to hold your head high even when all odds are against you and you have nobody to lean on anymore.

Soon, the CDs weren't cutting it anymore. My life was moving on, and new problems were arriving that couldn't be cut with my main artists that I had grown to love. Youtube had came out around that time, and slowly the music began to grow on that website. I spent hours, and hours, and hours watching people like Michael Jackson do personal interviews that you couldn't really get anywhere except MtV, or other paid cable stations that my family couldn't afford.

I learned about Guns n Roses, and how to be Patient while enjoying paradise city, and falling in love with November Rain. I found myself dabbling in more than one genre, and I couldn't get enough. I was hooked, and I wasn't planning on letting go anytime soon.

Being homeschooled, I didn't have my old peers to loom against me, but I found myself becoming more of an internet child. Aimlessly roaming the internet in search of new information, new music, new places to see. I slowly became more, and more thirsty for new music. I would check on my artists, play music all day and all night! I had also gotten to know other homeschooled kids that were my age, and are still best friends with them to this day. They shared their music with me, and it was quite amazing to get a taste of their music!

At this point, I had grown to love artists such as Three days grace, Creed, Rammstein, Nickelback, Puddle of Mudd, NiN, Three doors down, Hinder, Evanescence, 30 seconds to mars, and One Republic. My closest friends had shared something close and personal to them: Their playlists! Soon, the love they had found in this music they loved so much had found a place in my heart.

At 13, I bought my very first Mp3 player and was able to transfer downloaded music to it via USB. This was completely different from burning my CDs to listen to while on the road going to get groceries or any other task that needed to be done. I found myself yearning to find out what each artist was about, and why they wanted to be where they were at that point in their lives.

Living in a world of misunderstandings, being misunderstood, I had an army of talented artists that were only a play button away from escaping from a world of cruel people that were being bullies. They were selfish people, and though I found depression, anxiety, and loneliness, I found warm friendships that gave me numerous artists that I could add to my collection. Little did I know, I would hold these artists near and dear to my heart any time I started missing my friends. We are still friends to this day of a long 14 years. We have never met in person, but we are still as close today as we were years ago.

We went through heartbreak, pain, isolation, depression, and tons of drama before we actually figured out that we were just misunderstood teenagers, living in a world of misunderstandings.

If you would like to peek into my playlist, here is my youtube link:

I really hope you enjoyed a peek into my personal teenage life, and I hope that my playlist serves its justice.