Heartbreak to Healing Soundtrack

I didn’t listen to music for pleasure for a long time at the beginning of this year, until I had something to smile about when I finally got back into my studio apartment with room to myself… to decorate, ponder, and think. About what my next step would be. My next move towards whatever life had planned for me. What would my job be? I had to figure it out. I didn’t know what to do next. On top of that, I was overwhelmed about it and didn’t know how to explain that to the person I was seeing. I sensed that we were both growing apart even though we had only started seeing each other again for a month or so. What was wrong? He wouldn’t tell me… He just started ghosting me. Like not answering me for days at a time. I started surfing through Youtube songs and found some new hits from my all time favorite male artist Chris Breezy. And ‘Overtime’ kicked in. Had it on repeat for like 2 weeks straight. As I was getting used to the town I was in, I was taking walks and listening to it back and forth from my apartment for hours at a time. I went through tons of songs that brought me joy and made me feel powerful again. Songs like, ‘She rockin that Thang’ by The Dream. Overtime though. Got me hooked because I had seen choreoghraphy to it by EXPG Studio… which I planned in my mind to hit as soon as I got back on track with my ideal weight. ‘He don’t deserve your time. I been on the bench a while. Let me do you better’ Is what I thought he was saying. But the lyrics really are ‘ Put him on the bench a while. Let me do you better’. Okay, so a few weeks. I got the opportunity to meet someone who really wanted to give me their time. I was surprised that we really hit it off, actually clicking after just one day of meeting in line and a short bus ride to a transportation center. But we didn’t exactly get to spend more one on one time after that. Things just got in the way even though we kept planning to. But on the phone… it was like.. really nice. A breath of fresh air. I was really enjoying this. So fast forward to me getting ready to pack out and leave to live in another city. I was busy working on a project and I wasn’t listening as much again. I actually didn’t start again until I after an emergency. I mean I was in a good mood just wanting to hear some of my classic new jams I had heard at my last job. How could I forget when I first heard ‘Dangerous’ on my way home at midnight. ‘You ain’t no angel but you got a halo…That’s what it’s like loving you’. It wasn’t the person I had recent’y met though. No, I had gone back to the joker again. But only because I knew him longer. We had gone out at least 5 times over a two year span. I did have some feelings for him. But he was always just feeling his way through. Never really being concrete about what we were doing. But this time I really got carried away. I mean when you think about what you feel and want … it sucks when its just you thinking that… I found out that the guy doesn’t even feel the same way…. So I stopped listening again.

Only instrumentals… I can’t take the torture of words carrying my mind away. The last song that had me in tears was ‘Say so’ By Jojo and PJ Morton. If I had only heard this before that night…. I would have known what to say. In time, before his feelings faded away.

In the midst of that I was listening to songs like ‘U 2 Luv, Another Round, and Not Another Love Song’ by Ella Mai. Really good love songs when you’re in it. Do you know that I sent all these songs to him through chat and he never said how he felt… just the fact that ‘Oh yeah, I like her song. Oh I have that one too. Oh, I didn’t see that one, it was in between the other two you sent.” When you send songs to people you expect them to be like, is that what you feel about me?? Right? No. He obviously was not trying to share those kinds of thoughts with me. If I could do it again I wouldn’t. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I am healing right now with jazz instrumentals, and ‘Life is Good’ by Drake and Future before I start work every weekend.

I spent my last renewing my Youtube membership, because I saw an ad that reminded me of my last mistake and I just couldn’t anymore. It was an ad of a man who reminded me of the last cab ride I took where a song by Wiz Khalifa came on. You know, how a song reminds you of a person? Well, yeah, when I was in the car with this guy the song came on and I was totally connected. ‘Something’ Is what it’s called.

Thank you for reading. I’m now going back to my Youtube Playlist, without the ads to remind me of what could have been.