Blind and Blue

I didn't know what was wrong with me.

I just knew something wasn't right.

I had lived temporarily in Jamaica when my Mom was deployed, the harsh words and reality made me so sensitive, I isolated myself under the belief that I was unwanted and that I didn't want to be around people that made me so anxious, I became extremely forgetful and so self-conscious, I didn't even trust myself or my own memory and developed the habit of second guessing myself even if I knew I was right.

When Mom finally game to get us and we moved with her to Germany, one would think I could finally breathe again. Which I could.

But the years of isolation hadn't left me.

To begin with I had always been a quiet kid, and Germany wasn't like Jamaica where playing with classmates was mandatory, conversations were simple and easy... Jamaica was small. Children had similar struggles of completing chores, getting anxious when parents yelled at them.

Germany was just peace and distance.

No one was forcing me to do anything.

Everyday I got on the bus with the other military kids, sat by myself and stared out the window.

One day a neighbor asked me why I liked staring at the window so much.

I suppose that's when it started.

I hated it when people stared at me, in Jamaica it was something constant.

I didn't have a desire to talk to people, I didn't really have an interest in other people. The ride to and from school gazing out the window felt thereapeutic ,I was nursing myself, of feelings I didn't know I was aware of. My head would empty and I didn't really have to think about anything.

There were no chores I would get yelled at for not doing, or belittled for doing amateurly. Because although my Mother was Jamaican, she was an orphan, no different from all the anxious children I saw that were called "fools" because they weren't thick-skinned enough to deal with the pressure of their realities.

But that girl's question made me conscious of the fact that even still people watched me. I still don't see the problem with spending my bus ride staring out the window... but I can understand perhaps I seemed unapproachable. For reasons, I still don't understand.

I remember another neighbor saying she "felt sorry" for me.

Which I'm still not sure about, perhaps it was because I didn't talk to anyone and thus had no friends.

Yes, I had no friends. But during that time, though in my mind I wanted them. In my current I also didn't want any. Looking back, I must've become averse to people due to my experience in Jamaica. ave friends, that I wanted friends.

But of course, these kids didn't know that, and I didn't either. I was a mystery to myself, hurting but I didn't know where and for what. I simply came to the conclusion that I hated people which wasn't too far off the mark.

And so I escaped from processing it anymore with music.

It started with Muse and Lady Gaga, free music I listened to on my sister's old iPod. They were free music so I decided to give them a try. Though Muse became my favorite.

There was something comforting about his music, I felt reassured that it was okay to be my lonely self, I felt that I could breathe emotionally and that reinforced my spirits. His album "Resistance" as well as the song by the same name, "Resistance" "Unnatural Selection" I would listen to them constantly on repeat. Back then I felt confident enough to eat at lunch tables by myself.

But when my Mom left the Army and we moved back to Texas and I recognized some people I once went to elementary school with before leaving for Jamaica, I suppose I felt... "seen." Once again more self-conscious. Granted, now that I think about it I it's probably because I stopped listening to Muse.

While living in Texas, I used "My Chemical Romance" as a crutch and listened to it religiously in middle school. It helped me focus in my computer classes, I loved the reassured trance I found myself in where I could forget everything and chill.

There I still preferred to be alone but I felt pressured to have friends and became self-conscious of how I seemed to others. My school wouldn't allow kids to go to the library and so I would hole myself up in the bathroom waiting for lunch to end. Some kids began to refer to me as "the bathroom fairy."

Then came high school.

I was always into anime, and manga even when in Jamaica, now that I was back in America where I had access to internet I could easily let loose. Around then I discovered the existence of vocaloids and MMD Videos. One could say that was all I listened to during that time, just like Muse and Chemical Romance there was something impactful about "Bad Apple", I will admit that song made me a bit more negative and I've learned to keep some distance from it haha.

Still, Miku Hatsune had some popular songs I loved even if I had never experienced relationships like "Love is War", "Levan Polkka," "Popipo" and how could I ever forget the legendary "World is Mine"? but I had decided to go against the norm despite loving Miku, I didn't like being the same as others, I would later decide Gumi Megpoid would always be my favorite. I liked the story of her songs "Ten faced me."Her duet with Miku for "Matryoshka" and her "Mont Blanc" song even now thinking back I can't even remember. I would go on to still keep track of all the new vocaloids that came out and took a liking to IA and Aoki Lapis' "Think the Future."

Ahhhh, I shouldn't forget Voltaire! I didn't listen to him too much as around that time I was become a Christian but I still find such deranged songs oddly delicious, if that makes sense.

I can't listen to vocaloid music as much anymore because some of the music gives me a headache and could never get into the whole Skrillex/EDM Music phase for the same reason, but I still like the same artists. whenever I listen to the same songs from Muse, I feel like I'm back in Germany on that long bus ride. It's nostalgic. As for Chemical Romance... it still pumps me up and makes me want to work on something while listening to it.

Sadly, although I still love the music, I wasn't as big of a fan of all these artists, I suppose I could only describe it as phases. Granted, I think that's me being true to myself, because back then I wasn't really interested in people. Even if I loved something that brought me life. I can now say I've changed that bit about me as now, I broke this by delving into one of my favorite artists, BTS.

If you're wondering, I'm most certainly less depressed than before, I feel comfortable being my non-talkative self, though at times I feel bad that I'm not good at making friends with people who have no common interests with me. I don't blame myself as much or feel as pressured. Just one step in the many I've taken down my path of loving myself.