Black as Death

Every teen has some angst - teens wouldn't be teens without it. I'd like to think my teen angst was a little different than most, though, because mine had something a little different to fuel it. Rather than being angry, rebellious, and stressed about how my parents "didn't get me", I kicked off my teen years with an especially distressing event: my dad died. With that, my teenage years became more angsty than they might have been otherwise, with a decidedly dark, brooding and mournful cast.

The first three songs I'll talk about are on my playlist directly because of my dad's death. December by Collective Soul, Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down and Higher by Creed may not be angsty songs for most teens, but they were for me, because they reminded me of my dad. I choked with anger and grief on some of the lyrics in these songs.

Another non-angsty angst song for me was Fix You by Coldplay. I loved this song because I wanted someone to sing it to me, and also because I wanted to sing it to my mom and my family. I felt that myself and my family had been broken by our loss, and I wanted desperately to fix things - or for things to be fixed for us. Knowing that there was no one and nothing that could take the grief and pain and brokenness from us made this song exquisitely painful, and at the same time cathartic, to listen to. It still sometimes brings tears to my eyes.

Another song that was personal to me because of the death of my father was Welcome To The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance; it somehow communicated the anger and sadness I felt at his passing, but also the hope I had that I would be okay, and that I could "carry on."

This transitions us nicely into the more traditional teen angst music. With my teens happening in the early 2000s, some of the songs are almost obligatory, like Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Mr. Brightside by The Killers or Bring Me To Life by Evanescence.

Beautiful Disaster by 311 described me - or at least my life. I knew I was a disaster - I didn't fit in, I'd had experiences most kids my age hadn't, and I felt like I was constantly on the verge of falling apart. While I could recognize the beauty in my life, even when I couldn't see it in myself, it also felt like a whirlwind, a hurricane of emotion and activity that I went through in a semi-dazed state, a constant state of shock.

As time went on, I became aware of a near-constant desire to just... not exist. Enter Blue October's Into The Ocean. This song spoke to that longing in me, and the desire to "end it all", though at the time that concept was still very vague for me. I hadn't yet had any active suicidal ideology, and wouldn't until well after my teen years were over, but chronic passive suicidal ideology - thoughts that come unbidden about dying - has been with me since my early preteen years.

You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette and Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne are good examples of the kind of specific female angst I processed through music. With her aggressive, angry lyrics and blunt conversation about female sexuality, Alanis Morissette helped me work through my own awakening and frustration as I felt increasingly isolated from my peers, especially those of the opposite sex; Avril Lavigne perfectly captured my feelings that as much as I longed to fit in, I never wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to stand out, to be noticed, to be loved for my eccentricities and oddness and broken pieces. I wanted to be 'anything but ordinary, please.'

A melancholic song that reflected my social insecurities was Green and Gray by Nickel Creek. Even when I put on a mask and acted like I could be the social butterfly I wished I was, I was never sure where I stood in relation to others, and I feared that I would always feel that way. The grief that accompanied that fear made me choke up with tears sometimes.

Finally, a song that I often listened to when I was tired of the angst I was feeling. The Middle by Jimmy Eat World was the song that soothed my angst, rather than stoking it. This song spoke to all my insecurities and fears, telling me I was simply 'in the middle of the ride' and assuring me that life could and would get better.

My full Teen Angst Playlist can be found on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Fta1DlnArOGshcdniYmZv?si=761028051da04c49