Anthems Of Anarchy

I was always somewhat of a “troubled teen”, as they say. My family life was turbulent at best, and friends were mostly a no-go. Being the weird kid is “cool” nowadays, but back in my day (insert old man shaking cane) it just made you an outcast.

Music has been the one constant in my life. Through thirty-odd moves, across various strange and uninviting new towns, music has been there for me. It has a mystical way of understanding exactly how I feel, even when I can't express the emotions myself. Music has become an integral part of my emotional balance. I often find myself seeking the perfect song that will divulge my true feelings. Emotional clarity has never been my strong suit, however, through music I began to understand myself.

In my early teens, I stumbled into a budding fairytale romance. Unfortunately for me, the tale was Frozen and I got stuck with Hanz. Over the years things degraded, slowly at first, then rapidly in an unstoppable nosedive. The relationship became very controlling. My boyfriend pushed away the few friends I had gained and tried to keep me separated from my family. It was his opinion that if I wasn't constantly obeying or serving him in some way, I no longer loved him. This created a rift in my life that left me isolated, struggling in silence.

At the time I thought this was how all relationships must be. We got together so young I never had a chance to experience any other way. I have since learned that I was trapped in a classic narcissistic abusive relationship. My life became a constant struggle, plagued by guilt. If I was with him I felt I was neglecting my family, and when with my family I worried that I was a terrible girlfriend. My anxiety went through the roof and depression soon set in. It was an immensely dark time in my life.

Eventually, I broke away from that toxic relationship and struck out on my own. A moment of kismet led me to a dark theatre the summer after graduation. I accompanied my young siblings to a showing of the latest Disney masterpiece, Frozen. I've always been a Disney fanatic but nothing about the trailers for Frozen had really spoken to me. Honestly, I thought we were seeing a movie about a talking snowman. I didn't expect it to be a life-altering experience.

Elsa’s first big musical number hit me like a ton of bricks. Let It Go not only spoke to the repressed emotions I was drowning in, it gave me the boost of mental strength I needed to break loose from that toxic relationship and never look back.

Life has since offered up a plethora of highs and lows, but through it, all my favourite musicians have held the pieces of me together. I know it sounds like a cliche, but music truly has saved my life.

My “emo phase” has lasted long into my twenties and I see no reason to give up now! I have a music collection more eclectic than my emotional range, but for you, I have compiled a list of utterly unskippable jams. In that Teen Spirit, I present my classic collection of angsty anthems.

Pick Your Poison:

Sangry: For the emotional multitasker

Linkin Park: Numb still speaks to an essential aspect of my being. Depression is a daily battle that you never really win. Fighting to feel alive, to feel at all, is a constant challenge. Chasing emotion can be a dangerous mission. To open your heart is to be vulnerable. Staying numb is safe, though it isn't really living.

Skillet: Songs like Monster and Hero spoke to a part of me that was lost. Narcissistic abuse takes over your mind in unimaginable ways. The person I saw in the mirror, a girl with sallow broken eyes brimming with anger and frustration, was someone I didn’t recognize. I had become the monster, begging for a hero to save me just in time.

Three Days Grace: Animal I Have Become and Just Like You struck a chord in the central part of my being. I was slowly becoming the beast I feared the most, a monster ruled by anger and fear. I turned to self-harm, striving to feel something, anything, aside from the all-consuming fury. Pain grasped my heart tightly with lyrics like “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all”. It allowed me to feel understood even while being utterly alone.

Billy talent: St. Veronica was a necessary follow-up to songs like Pain. It was the pep talk I needed to persevere, serving as a constant reminder that suicide is never a solo experience. Those left behind will inherit the pain and suffering you cast away.

Greenday: Boulevard Of Broken Dreams spoke to an entire generation of lost souls. We all know the feelings of isolation and abandonment to some degree. That opening line “I walk the lonely road, the only one that I have ever known” hit just the right spot for me. I had lived a lonely existence, never really making friends or genuine connections. I was an island in a sea that wanted to watch me sink. Green Day has an amazing collection of music, but nothing strums my heartstrings quite like Boulevard Of Broken Dreams.

General Angst: Let your freak flag fly as you jam out to these anthems

Twisted Sister: A classic battle cry for the parentally repressed. We’re Not Gonna Take It is a rebellious anthem that speaks to the overcontrolled youth of any decade.

Daniela Andrade: Something about Daniela’s smooth melodic tones just soothe the soul. No matter what my mood, her music strikes me right in the feels. I have followed her career as she grew in popularity and even had one of her amazing covers featured in an episode of The Umbrella Academy. This amazing Netflix series is based on comics written by My Chemical Romance’s lead vocalist Gerard Way. Two of my favourite people coming together!

Seether: Fake It spoke to the repressed self I kept tucked safely away from the world. I buried myself deep inside a cocoon of expectations, attempting to be everything expected of me while carefully sealing away my “unsatisfactory” true self. Remedy fell into my lap around the time I discovered drugs. I had finally found a synthetic way to simulate happiness and get in with a social group! Unfortunately, my parents had other ideas. In an attempt to “protect me” from my newfound community I spent a year in bedroom Azkaban. Being grounded from basically everything but music and breathing I turned to my boom box for solace each evening in my lonesome prison cell.

My Chemical Romance: MCR has a song for every mood. Pump-up jams like Teenagers gave me a sense of community. It offered hope that perhaps we weren’t as isolated as we feel. I’m Not Okay became something of a personal anthem. I was very much not okay, but it gave me hope that others who felt the same pain I suffered could survive and even thrive.

Perseverance: For those who need a boost of strength and inspiration

Idina Menzel: Let It Go (Elsa, for Disney's Frozen) The song that gave me back my future.

All American Rejects: Move Along bolstered my nerve to continue trudging forward. It inspired me to persevere and wait to see what the world has in store for me. It was hope.

Evanescence: Bring Me To Life was a desperate cry that resonates with me to this day. Depression and anxiety strip you of the vitality and will to see a brighter future. They leave you empty, a shell of your former self that even you barely recognize. I still battle with these aspects of my life and often find my heart crying out to once again feel ALIVE. In these moments, music is still my faithful companion.

The Offspring: songs like The Kids Aren’t Alright and You’re Gonna Go Far Kid spoke to a part of me that wished for a great escape. A wide-open future to rush into and embrace.

Love And Relationships: parents or partners

Simple plan: I'm Just A Kid was the theme song of youth. In combination with ballads like Perfect and Welcome To My Life, Simple Plan became the voice of an entire generation. Regardless of your music taste, everyone connects with these classic teen themes and cliches.

Fallout Boy: Thanks For The Memories was always a favourite of mine. It’s a superb jam, but after escaping my toxic relationship it took on new meaning. The memories I created during that relationship were not all bad. We had our fairytale moments before Hanz turned to the dark side. This song reminds me to be grateful for the experiences I had, even if they led me astray.

Okay so this isn't really part of the playlist but I wanted to share this with you. I did a section of this song (with minor editing) as a drama class monologue. Yup, I was THAT kid. To this day I can recite most of the song by heart.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed my playlist and maybe even discovered an amazing new artist. Please consider clicking that little heart and sharing this post on your social media!

If you or someone you love is dealing with narcissistic abuse the most important step is DISTANCE. Get them away from the situation and out of controlling range as soon as possible.