Imagine you’re sitting on your couch, binge watching Netflix, and a tornado spawns on your area rug.
You’d convince yourself you were seeing things, until the turbulent winds picked you up, couch and all, and tossed you skywards. You’d probably grip the couch for dear life, do your best to dodge the flying tchotchkes, and wait out this weird, unpredictable storm.
Sometimes the familiar isn’t familiar enough. As I come home with my dog after an early morning walk, the same door that would normally welcome me back pushes me away with an ominous presence. Cold winds swirl before me, rustling fall leaves before my feet, but the chill I feel comes from within. I delay the inevitable by snapping some photos of white wooden door, its fire-like glow radiating into the blue of early morning. The warmth contrasts with the cold dread that burns like dry ice in my chest.
It’s 4pm, and I’ve only had a small breakfast. I fell asleep before I finished my morning coffee and woke up in the afternoon.
I’m not all that huge into video games. I have plenty of hobbies, and most of the time, I’d rather be creating content and media than consuming it. That’s just a personal preference, and extends in many directions (I’d rather write than read, for example). And honestly, I have my hang ups around video games. Growing up as a girl, I wasn’t allowed to enjoy “nerdy” things by schoolyard bullies, and most of my attempts at improving my gaming skills were thwarted by an older brother who always either did things for me or just took over the console for his own games.
Food and I have a complex history.
I didn’t like most foods as a child. I mean sure, kids are picky, but I had unaddressed sensory issues making most food textures hell for me. While I learned as an adult how to cook for my own needs, I spent most of my youth struggling to eat home-cooked food. For those first 18 years, I feel like I lived largely off of premade meals and fast food that had their textures and flavours processed away to nothing. This made food contentious in my family, and gave me an altogether unhealthy attitude towards eating.
As I sat in a video call with friends who are continents away, crushing Oreos into sub-par vanilla ice cream, I realised that I was depressed again.