I had mentioned in my blog We are Survivors, NOT Broken about BDSM. I figured now would be a good time to explain how they have helped me and became more than just a community of kinky people.
In one of my Blog posts, I talked about being insecure. This is a very accurate and still relevant problem. However what I did not say is how all of this occurred. Let me share with you where things got started; maybe my story can help someone else or perhaps someone out there can help me a bit.
I am insecure; this comes from many terrible relationships that over time have torn me down. I worry too much, I apologize for silly stuff, but to me those silly things are enormous. I fear that what I wear will get them to ask me, “Why are you wearing that?” even if it is meant to be sexy clothing like lingerie. I have been programmed over the years to apologize for silly things. I question if I am even pretty enough to wear specific clothing, or if I am even worthy of talking to someone. Mental abuse is just as severe as physical abuse. Both equally change who you are as a person and shape you into something different. I still smile and laugh, but deep down I am scared and worried I might say something wrong, or my actions will warrant verbal abuse. I flinch at the slightest hand movement that comes near my face. This comes from not only the verbal abuse but physical abuse as well. I don’t reach out to many people even if I feel I could have a connection with them, I don’t like rejection, and I don’t want to bug or bother someone, so I tend never to be the first to make contact.