In one of my Blog posts, I talked about being insecure. This is a very accurate and still relevant problem. However what I did not say is how all of this occurred. Let me share with you where things got started; maybe my story can help someone else or perhaps someone out there can help me a bit.
About two years ago I was raped by someone I had known since high school. In fact, I had dated him off and on. I never thought for one moment that this guy would ever hurt me. Let alone the woman I was staying with for the night. Taking this back a bit the woman who I was staying with for the evening was seen as part of the family, my mother and I took her in when she had been kicked out of her own home for being pregnant while in high school. She lived with me for many years after that and became like a sister to me. To think she would let someone hurt me in her own home was not a thought I would have ever had. I trusted both with everything in fact at one point I remember trying to stop (we'll call him "X") from going to California. I cared for him far more than I probably should have. However, I trusted both and had no problem sharing a room with X or even staying with (we'll call her "F") for the weekend. The only person in F's home I did not fully trust was her husband. He had been in trouble for a few not so wonderful things already, but I just overlooked it because like X and F I had known him since high school.
Ok, a little bit of info for you; about six months in 2012-2013 I was in Job Corp due to a bit of an issue with X and F. I was a virgin up until I was 20 out of my own choice; that and I had no need to have sex with anyone. One weekend I was hanging out with X and F and things were pretty good. However, one night X had a few drinks and I had one. At this point, NO should be a plain and simple thing for anyone to understand. You cannot give consent once alcohol has entered your system and that goes for both sides. Things happened, and I felt very unhappy with myself and left for Job Corps in hopes I would get back my self-respect.
Bringing everything back to the night everything fell apart, there was a birthday party for F's daughter and I had not seen X since I had left for Job Corps. Nor did I get notified he would be there until it was far too late for me to bail. Getting to her house was a 45-minute drive almost an hour and I was not driving back home once I got there and she knew it. After I had been there for a while X walked in and I, of course, was respectful. Why? There were children present and it was a party for F's daughter and I was not going to be mean to a child. So I stayed. Once I learned I would be sharing a room with X, I took him off to the side and talked to him. Saying "Just because we are sharing a bed does not mean we are going to be doing anything." I told him straight up nothing sexual was going to happen and that I was not interested in having anything like it happen. During my conversation (husband of female..we'll call him A) walks in and starts picking on me about being alone with my ex and that things should be fun. Just before X arrived A threatened me for saying X raped me to my mother who talked to F a few months before I came back to Co.
Later that night, (remember I already told X that nothing was going to happen between us so I was feeling safe); well A and F figured the kids are going to bed let's get some drinks. Now that I was 21 I can buy it, and they never got to get me drunk for my birthday. Before this night I had never been drunk. I had always kept myself at tipsy or less. This evening, however, I had finished off my Smirnoff (alcohol six-pack) pretty quickly due to F taking some, even though she knew I could not drink the harder liquor which she had been drinking. By the time I had finished mine my mind starts going a bit fuzzy. I remember bits a piece of what happened that night. I remember taking a shot of something that tasted nasty, and it had my Pepsi mixed in, I recall telling F not to pick up her baby (he had significant health issues). I also remember telling her not to kiss me because she was trying to get me to kiss her and I was not having it. However, after that, I only remember later when A scared me into being sober enough to realize X was raping me. At this point, I was still too far gone to even fully understand what was going on. I just knew I had stated beforehand "NO" to having sex and it was happening. After being scared into being somewhat clear-headed, I left the room and sat out in the living room. I had gone to get one of my canned Pepsi then I left the room for a moment to go the restroom. When I came back the Pepsi tasted funny. Later I realized that A had spiked my drink with alcohol, but at the time my brain didn't comprehend that's what it was and I kept drinking the Pepsi. After finishing it I lost track of time and felt really fuzzy-headed again.
After that, all I remember is waking up in pain and feeling gross. I got up took a shower and small bits and pieces of the night before came back to me. After realizing what I had said long before we began drinking was ignored I just stayed in the shower crying. I was still pretty light headed and knew I could not drive like this, and I was pretty much stuck, at her house for another night. However this time I would not be drinking. Once everyone had gotten up A and F kept asking who remembered the night I lied and said I did. "A" was the type to tear you down and make you feel as horrible as possible for what you did or what you said. Lying did get him to sort of leave me alone. However, he did not let the fact X had sex with me go. For that entire day I was reminded of what happened, and if I said anything against it, I was horrible or I was told I wanted it so I should shut up kind of thing. Now being scared of "A" I just played it all off acting like I was okay with it when I was honestly not okay. I had been told I would be taking X home the next day since I slept with him.
We are going to fast forward to that night, now all day I had been picked on about sleeping with X, and I was not feeling well every time I took a drink of my soda. All I could taste was vodka. So, I had gone to bed hoping I would feel better. I left the light on in the room as I am already afraid of the dark inside a building. I had been asleep no less than a few minutes when I get the feeling someone is about to touch me. I open my eyes to find X about to touch me. Throughout the night this is what he did every time I closed my eyes. He was trying to do something. The next morning I left. I didn't even grab everything I had brought with me; just grabbed what I cared about and never looked back.
Looking back on this now I can remember a bit more, and now I know my drink had been spiked with alcohol, and that is why in the morning my brain freaked and said there is some in this canned Pepsi. To this day, two years later, I still can't drink canned Pepsi and I rarely if at all touch alcohol since I am too scared that no one will listen to me when I say NO to something. I still don't trust people, and that makes having relationships hard, yet I still want them. I want to believe that not all people will hurt me or betray my trust but I have a hard time doing so. I share my story to show even though you have been through rape you can survive it may not be easy, but you can do it. Find the right kind of people and build up slowly from there. It takes time to build trust, and the right kind of people will understand and just take things as slow as you need.
As for my still relevant issue that if someone has some tips or advice it would be much appreciated. I find it somewhat hard to meet people. I, of course, do not go to bars and I live in Amarillo, TX, so that is a thing. I want to make friends, but as I have stated, I am still relatively fearful and stingy with my trust giving. The BDSM community (have spoken about this in my We are Survivors NOT Broken blog) is not that active around here for me to go and meet up with them. What other ideas would you have that might get me to meet people in a safe and friendly environment that does not involve religion (I am not against it just not big on that being the sole way of connecting with people).