Whatever I Do, I'm Alone

**NOTE: This is an excerpt from a play I wrote called (dis)connection. "Solitudo" is a representation of Matt's loneliness and isolation.**

(MATT sits down on the floor in the centre. SOLITUDO enters and sits next to MATT, trying to comfort him. His ROOMMATE returns after a long night of events. SOLIUTUDO is sitting with MATT, but the ROOMMATE can’t see him.)

ROOMMATE: Where’d you go man? I was looking for you.

MATT : I just felt a bit tired, y’know.

ROOMMATE : Come on, you can be honest with me.

(MATT sighs.)

MATT: Have you noticed how people act around here?

ROOMMATE: What do you mean?

MATT: It might just be me, but it feels like they have a problem with me. They’re always avoiding me, not saying anything to me – they’re just generally off around me.

ROOMMATE (nervously): Yeah, that’s not a coincidence…

MATT: What’re you saying?

ROOMMATE: So you know how there’s another Matt here, right?

MATT: Yeah, he seems pretty cool.

ROOMMATE: Well, everyone else thinks so too – and to differentiate you two, they have started calling you “The Bad Matt”.

(“The Bad Matt” echoes in the theatre. We sit with that revelation. MATT stands, and a singular light shines on him. “The Bad Matt” still echoes throughout the room. It is haunting him. It is hurting him. The voiceover echoes as he takes a label that says “BAD” and places it on his shirt, so it says “BAD MATT”. We hear echoes of the past haunting him today, in the form of SOLITUDO’s voiceover.)

SOLITUDO (VO) : See? They’re normal…

SOLITUDO: No…

SOLITUDO (VO) : …they know how to talk to people, how to connect…

SOLITUDO : I’m so sorry…

SOLITUDO (VO) : … Are you stupid or something? You can’t even make a friend…

SOLITUDO : This isn’t me anymore.

SOLITUDO (VO) : …everyone else is doing it with no problem…

SOLITUDO : Please forgive me…

SOLITUDO (VO) : …why can’t you just be normal?

(The light shining on him traps him inside. It is like a prison in his own mind. He tries to break free, but he cannot get out. After multiple attempts, he falls to the ground. He looks up at the light.)

MATT : Whatever I do,

I still feel alone.

(Beat.)

I don’t understand

I, just seem to be banned

from not feeling alone.

Not being in a zone

where I can be truly happy,

truly fulfilled.

I never seem to be thrilled

with the hangouts,

they just seem to blank out,

leaving me with the thought,

this disease I caught

telling me…

I’m alone.

(Beat.)

Even though life has shown

that’s not the case,

there is a great case

to be made

that there are friends

I have made;

people who love me,

people who would go above for me,

people who care,

people who are aware

of my issues,

who have given me tissues

in days of tear floods

and in days of “cheers bud”!

I have these people,

they’re right in my steeple

yet I tend to look through a peephole

and when my sight lands on me

I cannot help but see

that I…am… alone.

As much as I’ve grown…

as much as I’ve known

I… am… alone.

I can find minor distractions,

make me feel like I’m gaining traction.

Say “hi” to new people

as I manage to weasel

through feeling happy,

feeling snappy;

yet when I lay in my bed,

the pillow against my head,

I look towards the empty sky…

and feel that I’ve given an empty try.

So I let out a cry,

a cry of why,

why,

why do I feel

that happiness is concealed?

Why do I feel

that I got the bad end of a deal?

Why do I feel

that life has so much appeal

but when you’re there for real

it doesn’t turn out like it does on the seal?

Why, why does this happen?

Life, stop slacking,

please just tell me

how this feeling fell on me!

How do I get rid of this pain?

I want to get off this train

of loneliness,

of depression,

of feeling alone,

when I have a world as my backbone.

O’ life please tell me what to do

to breed my life anew,

to escape this feeling,

to keep it from stealing

my soul,

my whole,

my sole reason for living,

my whole reason for giving,

I have carried this burden

for too long I’m certain -

please tell me how,

I will make any vow,

I will do anything,

I will do everything,

whatever the thing is,

whatever the zing is,

I’ll do it,

I’ll brew it,

I’ll chew it,

I’ll woo it,

I’ll go through it,

screw it!

Just tell me

I’ll do it!

Just tell me,

you don’t need to compel me,

just tell me how to disown

this feeling…

(Pause)

this feeling…

of always…

feeling…

alone.

(MATT crumbles, crying into SOLITUDO’s arms.)

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