Active Now

Lena had a strict rule: no being “friends” on social media with people she was dating. It seemed like every time she met someone new, they wanted to “friend” her on Snapchat or Facebook. Even allowing someone to follow her on Instagram seemed invasive when they just met, but many prospective partners seemed absolutely flummoxed when she wouldn’t accept their friend requests. The funny thing was, she always made a point to tell potential sweethearts that this was her policy. She would gently explain that it wasn’t personal, but that she felt that friending someone on Facebook was akin to inviting them to a family wedding – a lot of attention would be paid, and she wasn’t willing to go through that until they were further into their relationship.

It continued to astonish her that so many people completely ignored her stated policy and sent her friend requests anyway. It was actually a good litmus test to determine which people listened and respected her boundaries. Suitors who ignored her conditions were likely to ignore her wishes in the future as well.

Privacy was her primary motivation, but occasionally she was reminded that there were other good reasons to not be friends with potential loves on social media. Namely, that little green light that popped up whenever someone was online. On Instagram it was a green circle around their photo, but on Facebook Messenger it was an illuminated green dot.

Lately it had gotten even worse. Now, if you didn’t close out the conversation, Facebook would leave your contact’s head floating on your screen until you clicked on the little “x” to make the conversation go away. That green light persisted though.

“Currently Active”

It usually didn’t matter – it was a time to reach out to her aunt or stepmother with a quick message. Oh, that friend whose dog died is on, send a word of sympathy and encouragement. Send a dad joke to her brother, a meme to a friend. It was a good way to see when people were available to talk. But this is not how she wanted to interact with potential partners, and, until recently, she had avoided the problem.

Then Marco had turned back up in her life. Marco – cute, nerdy, funny, interesting Marco. Ugh. Asshole.

No, no…not fair! He was nice. They always had fun when they were together, he was just…confusing. She never knew if they were flirting, or just talking. At least not until a few weeks ago.

She’d met Marco about five years earlier through a mutual friend. He had briefly become a regular at their Tuesday night game nights, and sometimes showed up for trivia at the same time that she did. He was always friendly and engaging, and at some point, they had exchanged phone numbers and she would sometimes send him a text to encourage him to come out. They always had good conversations, and seemed to have some good chemistry, but Lena was a genuine flirt and people person. She tended to connect with a lot of people. It was difficult to tell if she and Marco were “vibing” or just being friendly. In any case, their game group started communicating via Facebook, and she had accepted Marco’s friend request. She had followed his life on social media for a number of years, even when changes in housing and work schedules had caused their game nights to peter out, and COVID had put a stop to trivia or pretty much any other in-person socialization.

Then a couple of months ago, one of their mutual friends had gotten married. It was during the early, heady days just after vaccines had become available to the general population. Responsible people that she knew were cautiously starting to gather together again. The wedding was a private, outdoor event, and the invitation said that masks were required, so Lena found a cute dress with a matching mask, and RSVPed yes. When she got there, Marco was the first person that she saw. He was standing at one of the wine barrels that had been put into use as a cocktail table, and when their eyes met, he sent her a dazzling smile. It was at that moment that Lena realized that most people were not wearing masks. She went over, said hello to Marco and a couple of other people that she knew, and asked about the mask situation. Apparently, they had decided that if you were fully vaccinated it was fine to go without at the wedding. Lena hesitated, but drinking wine through a straw wasn’t appealing, so she took her mask off as well.

A moment later, Lena felt finger of ice-cold panic trickle down her spine and land in the pit of her stomach. She blew out a shaky breath, and Marco picked up on it.

“Hey, hey, what’s up? Are you okay?” he’d asked, placing his palm at the small of her back.

Lena chuckled nervously and took a deep breath. “Just a little panic attack, I guess. It’s been about 13 months since I’ve gone without a mask in public. It’s a little unnerving, even if this isn’t really public. Still, it’s the first time…woo…sorry, adrenaline spike, my mouth keeps talking.”

Marco had rubbed her back, poured her a glass of water, and went to find her something stronger to drink.

Throughout the rest of the evening, Lena had “done the rounds” and talked to more people in a few hours than she had spoken to during the entire year prior. Her (unmasked) face actually hurt from smiling, and she was tagged in at least a dozen photos grinning ear to ear.

She made sure to circle back to Marco several times, and they shared a hug and a kiss on the cheek when she finally took off. Before she’d even made it home, he had sent her a link to a TV show that they had been talking about, and also a cute selfie that they had taken together. She smiled, and added it to her favorites.

For the next few weeks, they had messaged quite a bit. Pleasant, friendly, a bit flirtatious – their usual fare, but with a little more depth, a little more frequency, a bit more personal in nature. A few comments about her legs in shorts or his anxiety about his “COVID bod” made her raise an eyebrow and wonder if she was reading the social cues correctly. She started to notice when his green light was on. He must have noticed hers too, because he messaged her frequently.

Finally, one night, as they were casually chatting about dream vacations requiring big bathtubs, he told her that she was someone that he wanted to spend time with, and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. He suggested activities that they would both enjoy, and asked if she welcomed the flirting. She really liked that he asked her consent. She gave it, and made some other suggestions for getting together. He was out of town, but they made tentative plans to meet up in a couple of weeks.

Getting together was delayed by various life events, but they talked on the phone one afternoon when they were both free, and directly addressed what they were looking for in a relationship. She was nervous, he seemed a little distracted, but it wasn’t bad for a first 1:1 phone call.

Unfortunately, it had also been their last. They had messaged a few times since then, but Lena started to feel that the few words they exchanged were a bit brusque. Sure, it’s difficult to ascertain tone from text, but gone was the long, thoughtful dialogue, gone was the flirty banter. The email she had sent with her schedule and a cute cartoon had gone unanswered.

Not one to play games, Lena had reached out with a few breezy comments along the lines of “how’s your week?” and “what are you up to this weekend?” Sometimes Marco answered, sometimes he didn’t. But that stupid green light kept telling her when he was an active contact.

In addition to the green dot, was the new feature to help you instantly connect:

“You and Marco are both online. Click to talk!”

Her best friend told her that he hadn’t actually ghosted her if he hadn’t unfriended her, but two months had passed since he first told her that she was someone that he wanted to spend time with, yet he had done nothing to further that goal. Was she stupid to keep trying?

Ugh. She did not obsess over men. She had plenty happening in her life and normally, she wouldn’t have given much thought to a prospective suitor not following through. And yet…the little dot kept torturing her…

Lena considered.

Didn’t he see that her green light was on too?

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