To My Younger Self

Where to begin...

Well, for starters, living and existing hard and will always be hard. It's a never-ending cycle of amazing highs and horrific lows. Sometimes those lows got too close to the edge for you and well...you somehow pulled through every time.

That's our thing, I guess. Something bad happens, continues to happen, we feel the weight get too great and eventually want to break, but we find the last bit of strength to pull through and keep going.

It's exhausting.

But each time there was always someone there to help pick up the pieces. Not all of them are still around now though. It's better that way. Right now, though, there's a couple people that have been willing to help in any way they can.

It's hard to trust still. Too afraid to be burned. Pulling our walls down has been a very long journey and we're still on it.

I will say we gained a family though. The one we’ve always wanted. The love seems to be real this time. Or at least I hope so. Trust issues haven't changed.

We've changed our minds multiple times about our career path. We're still trying to figure it out now, but the one thing that has always remained the same is the passion to make positive change to people's lives. I think the path we're currently on is the right one, for now anyway.

Music isn't the biggest part of our life anymore. In fact, that's something we leave for a long time before even thinking about trying to pick up our violins again. Singing still hurts to do when the melodies remind us of the songs that made us lose our way.

I miss the ecstasy of music. The memories are tainted.

Leaving music also meant people left us and it crushed us beyond words. All the broken promises broke everything with us. And so, we rebelled against the music. We didn't want the memories anymore. It hasn't gotten easier to heal from those wounds. With more time, I think we'll be okay.

We still hate change. We've had to process A LOT of change recently and it's definitely taken its toll. Everything is changing and the lack of control has been a lot.

Now, we are on a path that seems to be leading everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's life I suppose. Adulting is weird and doesn't always make any sense. It's kind of like learning new words as a kid and then realizing that sometimes new is weird, but also exciting.

The biggest takeaway I think I have learned in the many years it has taken to be the truest version of myself is knowing that no matter what, being you is the most important thing. Feeling ashamed, feeling embarrassed, or feeling like a disease and wanting to hide everything will only continue to hurt us and us alone.

I am me. I am you. I am trying my best and trying to find the truest version of myself and embrace that light. It hasn't happened yet for us, but here's to hoping.

I know hearing "things will get better" is so exhausting and so empty. Here's the truth, it will and then it gets bad and then good and then bad...it never ends but it also does end. One thing that remains true is we will be okay in the end. Because if we aren't, it isn't the end just yet.

I wish I could go back in time and tell you all of this, but someday you become me and live it all. I can live with that.

So, to my younger self, always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. You'll be better off knowing that and living by that.

Always.