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By Ibrahim DaudaPublished 3 months ago 4 min read
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

I would like to discuss a recent project that I took on. I won't go into detail about the project itself, but rather, I want to discuss why I decided to write a personal project. Specifically, I want to discuss why I'm writing a book that no one will ever read, though that is a bit of an exaggeration because my brother wants to read it, and a few friends might, but it's something that I'll never publish.

the process of writing it's something that i enjoy it's not like it was a means to an ends thing like i'm only going to be pleased with this once it's published but ultimately that was always the goal with pretty much everything that i wrote even when i was really young like i had my eyes on publishing when i was like 13. when i was writing my first book i was researching agents and obviously that book was terrible thankfully i realized that that was terrible before i ever sent a query letter and didn't humiliate myself to the entire publishing industry we

were spared that was a cycle that i went through for a long time from the ages of like 13 to let's say 19 or 20. write a book while i'm writing it think i'm gonna publish this and then once i finish it start editing it and be like okay maybe i'm not because it's actually pretty bad and then move on to something else but while writing i always thought eventually i'm gonna publish this like i always had publication in mind and then you know it continued when i i did a bit of a not a switch to short fiction but i started writing short fiction and that became a lot of what i wrote again i was ready to publish i was writing short stories with the goal to eventually submit them there have only been a handful of stories that while i

rote them i was like i don't think i'm gonna submit this but that was like one or two out of like 30 stories i've written so publication has always been my ultimate goal what changed why did this all change the simplest way that i can describe it is the mortifying ordeal of being known so as you guys know i'm really deeper in my quest to publication than i ever have been before this is getting real i've published short fiction so i've had the experience of writing work and publishing it but mostly i'm getting closer to the point of publishing a novel as you draw near to that point inevitably you start to think about what if people hate it all the worries and doubts come in i'm a pretty anxious person getting that out of the

way because if there's a way to worry about it i will find a way i will always find a way it's a skill of mine worrying about things is really one of the things i'm best at all the worries about publishing a book and your work no longer being just private the mortifying ordeal of being known has really encroached upon me reclikeently because it's like soon not soon but like in the foreseeable future this isn't gonna just be like your book that you're writing for yourself it's gonna be out there you know and obviously not soon soon it's not i've sold the book or anything i'm starting to think about those stages right with honey vinegar and i've talked about this before that's the novel that i'm editing i've been really pleased with my ability to not think about other people while i was writing it like while i was writing it i was just like in my little zone i was not thinking about other people i was not thinking about reader reception i was just thinking about what i wanted and i was seeing the story and i was transcribing it as i saw it and that was beautiful it was so freeing to have no one else in my head and it was just me and the book and sometimes it felt like i wasn't even there it was just the book and i was just witnessing it happen and it was so exciting it was so freaking now we're past that stage and we're at the stage where i'm starting to think about okay but what will people think like people probably will read this one day i was

overcome by the mortifying ordeal of being known i started to think wouldn't it be nice to have like a personal project something where i could write it with none of these worries and these words would never be a factor because i know that no one is going to read it the purpose of the book is for it to be just for me and for no one to ever read it the purpose of it is for it to be a refuge right like it's a refuge from pressure and it's a refuge from timelines or deadlines and it's a refuge from perfectionism and it's a refuge from the fear of messing up but it can just be a place for me to write just privately and maintain that because i think that's kind

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Ibrahim Dauda

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