Inspiration
Who Knows What I Am?
May of 2023. Just a few months from year 35 on this orbital rock; metal, gas and moisture coated planet. I had a startling fact bloom in front of my heart and grip it like a pitcher. Baseball in hand and needing one last strike out to win the championship. Bases loaded and the batter with a full count. Bottom of the 9th and everything is riding on the pitch. I had been wearing a mask. Not a Halloween mask meant to temporarily scare off terrifying spirits trying to enter me while the veil is thin. Not a face mask meant to soften my skin after being traumatized by Ohio winter winds. The mask was born of decades of trying to not stand out. Not to be too different on the outside where you become a target. Just different enough to take one step outside of the normal shuffling body’s milling to and from. In recent years, we have many laying claims and to gender identity and sexuality. Even, resurrecting ones that history forgot or giving names to ones with less clear distinction. At 15, I suspected that other sexes also appealed to me. It was not just “boys” as they were known in 2004. Women could catch my eye and I would visually appreciate their wares. Beautiful curves, soft sloping shoulders and vulpine smiles. But I wasn’t out and I wasn’t sure. Was it an appreciation of what my own figure didn't hold? Was it a recognition of features in a collective that made this person attractive? I was confused. Over fifteen years later, I find my self on a dating application geared towards woman and previous AFAB (assigned female at birth) folks in search of similar parties. I met this woman that was intriguing to me. She was smart in streets and on paper. A rarity I'm finding in recent years. She was tall, not much when you consider my meager five foot, three and ¾ inches. She was a full six feet and three inches. She made me blush at her attention and bite my lip as I considered if she wanted to get to know me better. A faithful, hateful day in May made me reconsider everything I knew about me. She told me that it felt like I was telling her what she wanted to hear and not what was really me. She felt I was just wearing a mask. It was at that moment, that simple grain of sand in my hourglass became a singular stretch into an infinity of confusion. I was baffled because I knew who I am. Who I came from and who I was growing up to be. So I thought… So I had foolishly perceived. I stopped messaging her. Ghosted her fully and doubled down on me. Spent time trying to reconnect to my inner most self. That person that made me who I was. What I had not considered was how much time I spent trying to pass in a society that didn't think young girls could present with mental health disruptions like ADHD. Many would wonder “what does ADHD have to do with your sexuality, let alone your Identity?” Absolutely everything. I have spent 20 years trying to just pass as a woman that is a bit quirky, a lot nerdy with a deep love of anime and Japanese culture. I appreciated many body types, but never touched out of trying to not draw attention to me. Wanting to fade into the background like a shade loving plant forced into full sun. I’m not thriving, I’m barely surviving but, I’m too damn stubborn to consider being unalive. That is not who I was. I don't believe that's who I am. Years spent trying to focus on homework after school just to not understand what my notes were telling me. Years of taking detailed notes and copying examples verbatim only to look at them hours later and they look like alphabet soup. No order, jumbled like a word search or tiles in a Scrabble game. Time spent trying to clean a space but either being met with crippling anxiety. The fear of not accomplishing this one seemingly simple task that is a part of normal people’s lives. A criteria to be an adult sufficient in adulting. Or, if the anxiety doesn't lay me out flat, the executive dysfunction chimes in. Time spent having my brain screaming and planning what I need to do in order to accomplish a simple goal- clean my room or do my homework. Simple tasks but the body is not complying with the requests. The brain is reading the daily To-Do list but, the body is hiding under the covers and refusing to take action at being productive. Brain is busy, body is not and neither are happy with it. Hearing the various murmurs of how “you’re so smart, don't waste it. You should go back to college.” Or the comments of “Just because you don't want to do it, it's got to be done,” when it refers to chores. Constant statements with various verbiage of “She is really bright and she will go far if she would apply herself,” or “She is so gifted but she has to get over her laziness if she wants to succeed.” Statements meant to boost morale and rally the troops, but packs me down with the tastes of failure and the reminders that I’m not enough. Then this delves into the more personal depths. Is this keeping me from meaningful relationships? Are these flaws too much for anyone to voluntarily take on and embrace? Is my mental health the real reason I’m lonely? Am I’m too hyper fixated on things that don't strengthen a relationship? Or is the academic and relationship failures symptomatic to my brain scattering everywhere; a doom rave for the squirrels partying instead of steering my nut house in and out of self-depricating harm? This was the moment I had to really sit down through the tears and think hard. At one time, identifying as bisexual seemed right. Seemed to make sense… until other gender identities became a topic. I found myself asking one of my sisters “What is the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality?” At the time, one was showing a preference to both sexes where as the other was not so much the sex, but the person themselves. For a period, that made the most sense. It seemed that pansexuality gave me the fluidity to love who may love me no matter what sex or gender identity they lived as. Keep in mind, these sexuality questions have been weighing heavy on me since at least 2018 with the best that I could say is, I'm bi curious or heterosexual with gay tendencies. It has evolved into a response of “I'm not straight.” But as to what I am, that was still at the development stage. As time went on, the words still didn't fit. The shoe length was good but the width is a bit snug. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm trying to still work out the education side of this equation too. I want more but I’m scared to fail in college, especially after I fought to take classes and even failed one of the two I attempted. Stunned that my native language could show me just how much I couldn't possibly gather; how much I didn't understand. Yet, my course in Japanese awarded me with a B. Not too shabby for this little crabby. Even with the time I sat down and started figuring out my love language, I learned something new still. I love physical touch. I like being hugged or given head pats as a sign of affection. And I love quality time being spent with me. Recognizing that I want to share space with someone I care about makes me warm and gooey like a fudgy, chocolate brownie hot out the oven. So, after only twenty years, I think my identity is a fluid path like a new river carving out its space in rugged terrain. I’m a cisgendered, black woman with Afro coily hair. A rich, natural dark brown with many fairy lights shimmering a wise silver. Lightened ends and mid lengths colored a raspberry plum to catch the eye. I am a nerdy girl that loves Japanese animation and young adult fiction. I have been called a book dragon because I hoard books. They are neat on the shelf and remain there until I find time to read them all. P.s… if someone finds a way to donate me time to read my books, I'll greatly appreciate it 😁. I am an amateur writer that is trying to rework another book in progress while trying to flesh out another testing my synapses. I'm an extroverted introvert whose social battery never charged above 17%. I can socialize with others wearing my trusty mask until I'm home. There, I shuck it off like the husk on an ear of corn and expose my softness. Sit calm in the quiet while the repetitive clicks of my nails tap on my phone screen. Tapping made from the feedback of my fingers pressing buttons, my chunky frame curled up with my treasured plushies, and video game contently. I am a feral gremlin when stressed and no eye of the storm can be found. Fueled by caffeine, determination and pure spite, I weather the storm because I have to. I am the mast the sails hold on to as we push on to the end because there is no turning back. My spirit and bodily crew have no choice but to press forward, the thought of failing again is more crippling than the potential damage. I hold the title of Aunty BB to kids that I love as if they were my own. Kids that may be my cousins, but in my eyes and heart, will always be identified as my nieces and nephews. I identify as a work in progress, kissed by time and touched by higher spirits. Every step I take is a new path I carve out like a work of art waiting in a block of marble. Each word I speak is the beginning of a new chapter to a book unfinished, heavily being revised as new information is uploaded. Each breath I breathe inhales new opportunities and expels unanswered doubts taking up precious space. I am a poly sexual woman that hopes 2024 comes in with wisdom, grace and mercy. Wisdom for the older fool that waited to live their youth. Exploring each facet of this barely cut ruby in the rough. Many faces to see the world through and perspectives to entertain. Grace to know that I'm a work in progress and that everything I start may not go to my plan. It's not for me to determine in the grand scheme of things. I have to learn how to recognize when bowing out is the better decision. And lastly, Mercy. I need to show mercy to myself. Extend that kindness to myself when my internal monologue goes from a running checklist of things to do, shifting into a recount of things I failed. A gentle hand on my own shoulder or back to offer comfort when the inadequacies line up to cast their judgement.
By Bianca Hubbard3 years ago in Writers
Superstar Christmas
Uh-oh its that time of year. Christmas and presents. Cooking and traveling. And they expect me to do a holiday song. I haven't had good cooking since Mom. And I would like to go back home but things have changed. I have a woman and I am rich and I am famous. Mom wouldn't understand. Mom is religious. Mom is not into the Superstar thing. I should just avoided this time and take a break from festive doings. Then I had a dream a few days ago. My mom wanted me to come for Christmas. She was really hurt that I did not call her. And that I did not come. And she said I should of came for my father. And how my family miss me. I woke up sweating next to Grace. Grace thought I had a nightmare. I told her the dream but she did not know that much about my family because I never told her much. I thought she wouldn't think too highly of me if I was that normal. Especially since she was hot glamour model. The following week later, i daydream about this angel who told me that love will come back into my heart. That all these lies and charades were gonna stop. And that i was not raised this way. Christmas is about love and you will show love. I tried to shake the dream off and I couldn't concentrate in the sound booth. So my manager told me to take the day off. Then I saw these kids playing and I laughed. I saw them throwing snowballs and it reminded me of when I was younger with my siblings. I stood for a good hour and laugh with them. After I helped one side then they all ganged on me. Then we made snow angels. I finally got back home to my woman. And Grace said Mikey I'm pregnant. And I was shocked. And we had a little argument that's when she said she is going over her friends' house. I was alone. And I thought that I was fun until I got sick. For three whole days, coughing, sneezing and just everything coming from one end to the next. It was like I was dying. I was hoping to just live. My sides hurted, my lungs exhausted and I was just clumsy. Then I made a promise if I get better I will build a family and go back to my mother's family. I even said God. And I eventually healed remembering Mom's advice to drink electrolytes and fluids and to eat when you feel like it. All those days turning and tossing, whining and complaining, pulling myself to get ready for the day. I even started listening back to other people's music. And I finally got better with adjustments. And I had the radio on, listening to Christmas songs throughout the ordeal. I would never look at Christmas songs anymore the way I used to even as a kid. They gave me joy about tomorrow. They gave me hope about the future. They made me smile. I became a better person. They told me that there is much to be done. And much good to do. I called up Grace and I called up Mom. Grace answered and was about to hang up until I said I love her and I want to marry her. Grace broke down. And I told Grace if she come back I will tell her the true story about my family with my family. Mom did not recognized my voice. But she broke down when I said its Little Mikey your son. Mom exclaimed that she did not care what happened in the past was the past. And that now she was all about the future. And me. She said she love me and care deeply about me and her prayers were heard. Last but not least I thank the angels, i told them I would sing any song they want from my Superstar's podium. And that's when the words of OH YEAH IT'S CHRISTMASTIME. And I even asked if I could dedicated to the little boys and little girls across the world. And they gave the okay even for my one yet to be borne.
By Distinguished Honorary Alumni Dr. Matthew Primous3 years ago in Writers
Solara's Stand. Content Warning.
In a vast, dense forest, there stood a solitary tree named Solara. Unlike the towering, densely packed trees surrounding her, Solara found herself alone, a single entity amidst the thriving woodland. Despite her solitary existence, Solara possessed an unyielding spirit and an unwritten tale that unfolded through the whispers of the wind and rustling leaves.
By White Wolf3 years ago in Writers
From Light To Darkness, "Mommy" to "Your Mother". Top Story - December 2023.
I Was Sirena The first thing I lost was my face. It faded into the steamed glass fog my vision was becoming as cataracts in my fourteen-year-old eyes sought to claim what little sight remained to me. I looked into a mirror every day and watched myself be erased.
By Sirena Carroll - The Blind Single Mom3 years ago in Writers
My Vocal Top 5
Last Updated: 9/26/2024 A Bold New Vision** Like many Vocal creators, I often look at my profile and the pieces contained within only to see potential chaos for a new reader. One story I depict a Delta Force operator going insane in the desert, the next article I’m trying to divine the reading habits of fellow writers and whether they find themselves more loyal to an author or a genre (only to discover the two are often synonymous since authors tend to find a groove and stick to it).
By Stephen A. Roddewig3 years ago in Writers
Elegance of princess
The concept of royal beauty has fascinated people for centuries. It's a wild and exciting idea that exudes elegance, serenity, and sophistication. The beauty of a beautiful princess is not only physical beauty, but also the inner glow and self-confidence that comes from the inside out. When one thinks of an elegant princess, images of royalty, ball gowns, and tiaras immediately come to mind. She is a beautiful queen, beautiful and loving, manners, and a sense of innocence. She carries herself with grace and poise and easily attracts attention wherever she goes. His presence is seductive and enticing, drawing people into an irresistible illusion. In terms of appearance, the beautiful beauty of the queen is associated with beautiful features of the face, smooth skin, and a small figure. However, it is important to understand that true beauty comes from shapes, sizes, and colors. Feminine beauty transcends the highest standards and embraces individuality and diversity. It's about embracing one's unique qualities and empowering them to express their beauty. The beautiful beauty of the queen is not determined by external characteristics, but is also deeply rooted in internal characteristics. Kindness, love, and generosity are the characteristics of a great leader. He is honest, warm and compassionate towards others, and people are respected and respected in his presence. His words were carefully chosen and were meant to uplift and inspire those around him. He knows the power of his words when used to spread positivity and encouragement. In addition, the beautiful beauty of the female leader shows wisdom and knowledge. He is well read, intelligent, and intellectually intelligent. His stories are engaging and inspiring as he navigates various topics with ease and simplicity. He understands the importance of continuous growth and self-improvement, seeking new knowledge and new experiences. In terms of style, this beautiful beauty is known for her impeccable taste and attention to detail. It combines classic elegance with modern trends to create its own unique and comfortable style. Be it a formal party or a casual outing, she always stands out with her fashion choices. Her clothes are carefully designed to reflect her personality and personality. This beautiful and stylish queen knows that fashion is not only about following trends, but also about expressing yourself and being confident in your own skin. This beautiful lady also knows the importance of caring and loving herself. He focuses on physical and mental health. He takes the time to nourish his body with good food, exercise and proper rest. She knows that beauty is not only about appearance, but also about health and inner strength. He practices meditation, meditation, and other self-care techniques to keep his mind balanced and focused. Finally, the concept of royal beauty is more than physical beauty. A combination of elegance, poise, confidence and inner light. Feminine beauty is a timeless concept that inspires above the highest standards and embraces individuality and diversity. It's about embracing one's unique qualities, enhancing them, and expressing oneself with confidence and love. The beautiful, beautiful queen knows the importance of inner qualities such as kindness, intelligence, and self-care. She is the epitome of beauty inside and out.
By Kayla walker3 years ago in Writers
Elegance of princess
The concept of royal beauty has fascinated people for centuries. It's a wild and exciting idea that exudes elegance, serenity, and sophistication. The beauty of a beautiful princess is not only physical beauty, but also the inner glow and self-confidence that comes from the inside out. When one thinks of an elegant princess, images of royalty, ball gowns, and tiaras immediately come to mind. She is a beautiful queen, beautiful and loving, manners, and a sense of innocence. She carries herself with grace and poise and easily attracts attention wherever she goes. His presence is seductive and enticing, drawing people into an irresistible illusion. In terms of appearance, the beautiful beauty of the queen is associated with beautiful features of the face, smooth skin, and a small figure. However, it is important to understand that true beauty comes from shapes, sizes, and colors. Feminine beauty transcends the highest standards and embraces individuality and diversity. It's about embracing one's unique qualities and empowering them to express their beauty. The beautiful beauty of the queen is not determined by external characteristics, but is also deeply rooted in internal characteristics. Kindness, love, and generosity are the characteristics of a great leader. He is honest, warm and compassionate towards others, and people are respected and respected in his presence. His words were carefully chosen and were meant to uplift and inspire those around him. He knows the power of his words when used to spread positivity and encouragement. In addition, the beautiful beauty of the female leader shows wisdom and knowledge. He is well read, intelligent, and intellectually intelligent. His stories are engaging and inspiring as he navigates various topics with ease and simplicity. He understands the importance of continuous growth and self-improvement, seeking new knowledge and new experiences. In terms of style, this beautiful beauty is known for her impeccable taste and attention to detail. It combines classic elegance with modern trends to create its own unique and comfortable style. Be it a formal party or a casual outing, she always stands out with her fashion choices. Her clothes are carefully designed to reflect her personality and personality. This beautiful and stylish queen knows that fashion is not only about following trends, but also about expressing yourself and being confident in your own skin. This beautiful lady also knows the importance of caring and loving herself. He focuses on physical and mental health. He takes the time to nourish his body with good food, exercise and proper rest. She knows that beauty is not only about appearance, but also about health and inner strength. He practices meditation, meditation, and other self-care techniques to keep his mind balanced and focused. Finally, the concept of royal beauty is more than physical beauty. A combination of elegance, poise, confidence and inner light. Feminine beauty is a timeless concept that inspires above the highest standards and embraces individuality and diversity. It's about embracing one's unique qualities, enhancing them, and expressing oneself with confidence and love. The beautiful, beautiful queen knows the importance of inner qualities such as kindness, intelligence, and self-care. She is the epitome of beauty inside and out.
By Kayla walker3 years ago in Writers
Tears of winter
Winter tears fall, as if the sky is crying again. A cold wind blows, snow flies, and the sky darkens. The tears in winter are not tears of sadness, but tears of beauty, tears of desire, tears of change. Winter tears are caused by the cold weather. It freezes when it hits the ground, turning into a layer of smooth ice. Each tear represents the pressure of time and reflects the cold and bitter wind. These tears dry up over time, a reminder of winter's challenges and hardships. But winter's tears are not just tears of sadness. It also represents the beauty of time. Falling from the sky, they sparkle like diamonds, reflecting the light of the moon or the warm colors of the street lights. Each tear brings a subtle magic that transforms the world into a winter wonderland. With its simple yet simple patterns, Tears of Winter creates stunning landscape patterns, transforming ordinary situations into beautiful ones. The tears of winter awaken the human desire for warmth and light. The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer, and the soul is darkening in the absence of the sun. The tears that were shed seemed to reflect this longing, as if for the return of spring and the healing it would bring. It shows people's desire for better days, the warmth of the sun on the skin, and the blossoming of life in the changing years. "Tears of Winter" is a reminder that even in dark times, there is a glimmer of hope for a new look at websites. In the darkness and longing of Winter's Tears, there is something different. The tears that fall from heaven are not only tears of sorrow, but tears of release and growth. They wipe away the remnants of the past and clear the land to prepare it for a new life in the spring. Winter's tears nourish the foundations of life and fertilize the seeds that lie dormant in the frozen ground. It is a catalyst for change, a catalyst for letting go of old bonds and embracing new beginnings. Winter tears, although often associated with darkness and cold, carry emotion and meaning. They represent beauty, desire and the changes of time. It reminds us of the balance of joy and sorrow, and the importance of embracing all aspects of the human experience. Winter's Tears teaches us to find comfort in darkness, to appreciate the fleeting beauty of life, and to believe in the transformative power of tears. In short, "The Beginning of Winter" is a poetic representation of the nature of the season. They represent the darkness and beauty that winter brings, and the longing for warmth and hope for change. These tears are a reminder of the hardships and challenges we face today, a sign of hope and renewal. Winter's Tears teaches us to find beauty in darkness, to celebrate our hope for better days, and to embrace the transformative power of tears.
By Kayla walker3 years ago in Writers
Sadness of winter
Winter, with its cold weather and gloomy weather, brings a lot of sadness. The days will be shorter, the nights will be longer, and the world will be covered by a dark sky. The forested land slowly fades away, replaced by a barren and desolate landscape, reflecting the inner turmoil of many people today. A cold wind blows in the sky and the sky darkens. They cut off our clothes, the cold pinches our fingers and reminds us of the dangers of winter. Every time the wind blew, they almost felt the weight of sadness in their hearts, and their entire bodies were covered with a blanket of sadness. This feeling of sadness is exacerbated by the loneliness of winter. The trees were bare and bony, stripped of their bright leaves, their branches stretched out like dead hands, begging for warmth. The gardens and orchards, covered by layers of snow, have faded their colors and are hidden under a cold blanket. The lack of life and growth is a sad reminder of the brevity of life. The lack of sunlight in winter makes the season blue. As the sun finally rose, it set early, and the days seemed to merge into endless darkness. Limited exposure to natural light disrupts the body's biological clock, causing a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is characterized by depression, fatigue, and lack of motivation, which can worsen in the winter. The holidays are associated with joy and celebration, but in the winter, they can bring a lot of sadness. Although it is a time to reunite with loved ones and to spread happiness, it can also be a painful reminder of those who are no longer with us. Empty seats at the table and the absence of intelligent voices can only increase sadness and loss, and overshadow celebration. The energy of joy and happiness is very strong at this time, causing anxiety and imbalance between external expectations and internal feelings. But it was beautiful at the end of a dark winter. The peace and quiet of the world provides space for introspection and self-reflection. The whisper of the snow and the silence of the winter landscape bring calm and respite from everyday stress. During these times, people find peace and connection with their thoughts and emotions. Winter is also a reminder of the changing world. Just as cold and gloom ends the warmth and light of spring, so our season of darkness and gloom begins a season of hope and renewal. The blues of winter are not permanent, but they are an important part of the human experience. This allows us to appreciate the beauty of the differences in life, to appreciate the moments of joy and happiness after the dark. All in all, winter blues is a complex and delicate feeling. This is due to a combination of external factors, such as the cold and desolate landscape, as well as internal conflicts and heavy expectations. But underneath the darkness there is room for beauty and growth. Winter reminds us how short life is and how important it is to find comfort and hope even in difficult times. We are taught to accept the darkness and appreciate the moments of light that accompany it, because it is through this contrast that we truly learn to appreciate the beauty of knowledge of people.
By Kayla walker3 years ago in Writers
Hollywood's Latest Buzz: Ryan Gosling's "The Fall Guy" Jacket Creates a Stir in Fashion Circles. Content Warning.
In a thrilling turn of events on the Hollywood style scene, the latest news making waves is the introduction of Ryan Gosling The Fall Guy Jacket. This breaking news is more than just a fashion statement; it's a cinematic crossover that has set tongues wagging and fashion enthusiasts buzzing. Let's delve into the details of this sartorial sensation that is taking the industry by storm.
By Emilia Vizcarra3 years ago in Writers
