My Silent Hero

The streets were busy with people running amuck, rushing from every corner, too busy to notice me sitting here in this broken suitcase. I had been there for about two hours now, waiting for any sign to not go through with it, but no sign had appeared yet.

I gave myself a time limit and at this very moment, I had exactly one hour, and eight minutes left before I followed through with the big plan. Today was the only day I could do it, as any other day would not have the same meaning.

As the passersby walked by me from all directions, I noticed this fellow stranger also sitting on the sidewalk but across from me. Something about him truly captivated my attention. I could not fathom what it was that riveted me, but my eyes were locked onto this mysterious specimen, and I was struggling to interpret these peculiar feelings that were arising in me. When our eyes finally met, I did not shy away. I was barely blinking as I felt spellbound by what I was seeing before me, fully entranced in this energetic exchange. I was marinating in a mixture of familiarity and unknown waters, comfort and doubt swooshing back and forth in my mind leaving me with a little sense of discombobulation.

Distracted by this enigmatic being, I had almost forgotten about the big plan. As I began to regain consciousness, I continued to look for a sign to alter my mind. Though now, I feel like I am slowly reaching the point of acceptance, comfortable with the idea of it all. The notion started to make more sense as the seconds escaped me, and I was becoming more at peace with the outcome of my big plan.

Forty-six minutes left now, and still nothing.

People still running around with no reason or care. No sign. No miracle. Nothing. Just me, here, sitting by my lonesome, invisible to the rest of the world.

I relocated my focus to the man sitting across from me and observed him rummaging through his dirty, ripped-up bag. I wondered what little valuables he carried in there, as it wasn’t very big. His unwashed beard and hair were brittle and long, his eyes carried themselves tiredly, and his clothes appeared as if they hadn’t been cleaned for weeks. It was hard to guess his age given his physical state, but I would say he was around my age or maybe a little older.

A man tripped over my suitcase, too preoccupied to acknowledge me sitting here while scrolling on his phone. He proceeded to curse me out as if it were my fault, yelling profanities as he waved his hands up and down. He eventually hurried away, continuously breathing insults under his breath after looking down at me as if I were a waste of space.

I truly am a burden to everyone, even to random strangers.

I gazed up to look around and see if anyone had witnessed this man’s outburst as I was feeling slightly embarrassed, and I realized that the man on the other sidewalk had perceived what had just happened. He comforted me with a warm smile, validating my feelings and embarrassment. I smiled back, though mine was probably not as heartening as his was. I can’t remember the last time I smiled at someone, no one ever really acknowledged me these days.

I was, and still am just a speck of dust floating about, passing by a million blind eyes and sheepish minds. Why should I care anyway? Caring only leads to hurting. It is also what got me here, sitting on this dirty sidewalk, waiting for a purpose in this life to present itself to me.

The day I lost him, I lost myself, and I have not been able to get back to her since. She feels like a distant memory now, it almost feels like she never existed. He took a big part of me with him the day he left, the void I felt and still feel will forever haunt me no matter how much I want it to stop. I still hear his voice, but I ignore it, it has become the white noise of my dreadful and lonely days. This exact day, two years ago, was the last time I looked into his eyes, and his absence still hurts just as much.

I glanced at the man and he was still sitting there, lost in his own little world. I could see the sadness in his tired blue eyes, but they also carried such tenderness. He noticed me staring at him, so he returned the ogle. I raise my eyebrows, he raises one. I squint my nose at him, he wiggles his back at me. I stick out my tongue quickly with a smirk, he whips his tongue out and wiggles his head left to right like a madman. I burst out laughing surprised by his actions, he chuckles and smiles at me not only with his lips, but his smile also resonated deeply within his eyes. I had never received such a genuine beam like that before, a smile that awoke my sleeping lonely heart. It had been a while since it had been activated like this, but he ignited something in me I did not yet understand.

Eighteen minutes left.

I feel a tear run down my cheek, embarrassed I quickly wipe it off and offer a little side smile for reassurance that I’m okay. He nods his head from left to right and looks up at the sky. I noticed his eyes begin to water and I could see his lips quivering beneath his thick and rusty beard. The rest of my other tears join him as well, and here we are, two strangers, in the middle of the busy city, sitting across from each other, each on our own sidewalks, not one word exchanged to one other, crying together, and for the first time in a very, very long time, I did not feel alone. Our tears were dancing together to a sad yet beautiful swift melody that only we could hear. Our silence spoke louder than any word ever could, he saw me, and I saw him.

We sat there, smiling, crying, and staring at each other for a while. I had almost forgotten about the concept of time for a moment until my alarm went off and snapped me back to reality.

Zero minutes left.

I silenced the alarm, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I looked back up, he was gone. I stood up and anxiously searched all around for my new friend, but I could not see him.

I chuckled, understanding what had just happened. I looked up to the sky with tears still streaming down my face. But this time they felt different, they felt hopeful. In the depths of my despair, I cursed my lonely heart and asked to be taken away once and for all. But then in the last hour of my final decision, closing in on the big plan, this stranger made me feel awake again, seen, acknowledged, and with no words needed. I was not alone in this pain, and I was no longer invisible. He was my sign.

Today, I was ready to let it all go to be with my love once again, but now I see that this is not the way, I still want to live in this day. I know that deep down my love would want me to stay and stop living in this melancholic way. So away from the big plan, I will stray.

My silent hero saved my life that day, and I’d like to think that I may have saved his too.