Love Me, or Leave Me Alone

I stepped onto the train, just in time to hear the loudspeaker announce, "The doors will be closing now!" A sigh of relief escaped my lips; mingled with the attempts to catch my breath. Another rush hour morning, and as usual, there was barely standing room, much less any empty seats. As I elbowed my way to grasp a hold of the pole, my stomach decided to advocate for the other passengers I had showed no mercy for. A few weeks ago, I thought I needed to start eating breakfast more regularly; a few weeks from now, I don't think getting a seat on the train will be quite as difficult.

It definitely wasn't planned, lol. In fact, I don't think there could have been a worse time, or a more complicated (situation)circumstance, for me to be in the position I was in. That being said, "there's no point in crying over spilled milk!", is there? Despite the obvious pitfalls, I was IN LOVE with this little person growing inside me; from the instant I became aware of her existence. Genuinely, it was true love: but honestly, it was a selfish one as well! Not intentionally so, but self-serving just the same! This baby was going to be my redemption story, my second chance, my saving grace! I was going to be a better person, because that's what this baby needed me to be! Never truly comprehending, that long before she ever took her first breath; I was the one relying on her, to make me a different, better person!

Once upon a time, I use to love myself unconsciously! Lol. People's opinion of who they thought I was didn't overwhelm me; definitely not to the extreme, unbearable state that it would later become. Then one day, things just changed; I changed! The contagious laugh that I was known for, was replaced by uncontrollable, inconsolable tears. It was 12'oclock, and the fairytale I had been living in was over. Without advertising it, I knew that my perception of love had become very skewed. Why? I couldn't tell you. It was clear to me however, that in certain situations that others found disturbing; my thought process was the opposite. For whatever reason, extremely unhealthy behavior to me, felt acceptable; sometimes even craveable. Clinginess, jealousy, controlling, stalking.... even threats of harming someone if things didn't work out; secretly felt like the ultimate expression of love to me. The thought process of "it's the people we love that hurt you the most.", made too much sense to me. Love shouldn't hurt; but as insane as it was, the thought of someone going to those extremes, made me think, "Wow, they must really love that person, to go to those extents!" Since I no longer could feel it for myself; status quo in general became a thing of the past.

Relationships as a whole became toxic to me. If you don't love yourself; how do you gauge whether or not someone truly loves you? Looking at my daughter now; the fact that I was in love with her father at that age, is unfathomable, but true! Smh. I was too young, too naive, and specifically at that time, too fragile. I seriously believed, regularly told myself, and would have settled on the ridiculous idea that, "I love him ENOUGH for the both of us!" Thinking of it right now, makes me want to shake that foolish little girl that I was, and tell her, "You deserve soooo much more!!!" I've put a lot of blame on him throughout this journey we continue to travel. Honestly, I still do! However, I realize now how EXTREMELY DIFFICULT it is, to carry the weight of someone else's happiness; and I completely relied on him for that. They say, "the first cut is the deepest"; and he definitely left a scar. Fast forward to the present, the truth is extremely important to me. Not just that I get it from others; but that I'm honest enough to give it...even to myself! I spent decades, looking at things from one side.... My side! Maybe it was with age, perhaps maturity, or motherhood; I honestly don't know. But at some point, for some reason, I have stopped carrying around the "victim card"! Lol. I've been hurt by a lot of people; but I won't go on living in denial, as if I haven't hurt others as well.

"Hindsight is 20/20"; and my vision just happens to be so as well. Lol. How much easier would life be, love be, if we already knew the answers? Now ask yourself, what lessons could you have learned that way? Love isn't always easy. In fact, for me it's been a treacherous rollercoaster! But I love rollercoasters! Lol. Sometimes I'm scared, then it's suspenseful,... I'm laughing, and screaming, and alive. I'm alive! I've lost so many times; but overall, I've gained so much more! My daughter, the renewed love for myself. Music is my love language, so I'll leave you with these two lines..."If you can't handle my worst, you ain't getting my best!" Cause like love, I can be a rollercoaster. And lastly, "If you don't love me, then leave me alone!"