Bitter Table of One

**Addendum: this ironically received Top Story and I have to say the algothrim has a funny sense of humor.**

The Short and Sweet challenge winners were announced, and after some convoluted events, a new list was put out. During that time, I bite my nails in anticipation, hoping just maybe I would have been overlooked and deemed a winner. (There was a miscount of some words in a few of the original winner's works!) They republished the results.

Alas, I found I was not on the list. I read through the winners, and I was overcome by the talent and wondered, did I even deserve to compete? Well, yes, I did, but I didn’t deserve to win. I wasn't good enough, my writing isn't good enough. Writing is subjective, and it seems my style isn’t what’s desired. A sad fact I will have to accept. I cried over this competition for over three hours, wondering if any of my writings were even good. I cried and wrote because I couldn’t help myself. I have to write; whether I am good enough means nothing when I can’t exist in a world where I don’t write. (This pity party is also because I haven't had a top story in awhile and I feel like the algorithm hates me.)

So I will keep writing and entering challenges. I will cry and experience the loss and let it drive me forward. I may feel uncomfortable with being on a platform I feel doesn’t see what I bring, but maybe that’s my hubris, a chance to be humbled and learn. I’m bitter and upset, but I am here. I’m not going anywhere. The competition is about to get more demanding, and I’m willing to play. I’m primed and ready to win, and I will. It’s not a matter of if but of when. This loss is only a chance to learn, to move forward to explore a new side to my writing that perhaps I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t experienced it.

My husband was happy to see me sad over this competition, while I felt like a lunatic. He told me it showed how much I care, how much I want to be seen and recognized. Many will tell me it’s not about that, but why can’t it be? Can’t it be I like the process, but I also want to be great? I want see my name in lights and my words in people's mouths. I know the chance to meet more artists and together create something the world never dreamed could be. I want to make, and to reach my hands out and say, “God, my life was well lived, and I served you in the way I knew how, by creating words that lived in others, and they too touched me with their words.”

My husband is a force, a man who came from the streets of Brazil to recognize his own American Dream. He inspires me with every move, his art being his body and how he moves and challenges it daily. I, too, want to challenge myself, be better and stronger. Not just mediocre.

I felt worthless after the winners were announced, I reached out for inspiration, and I was rewarded with kind words from many authors I respect and admire. That is enough for now, but I’m also out for more. I’m wrapping up my chrysalis, and I’m ready to fly. If this sounds full of me, that’s because I am. I believe in myself because if I don’t, who else will? Writers block can occur in many ways, but inspiration can also come from the the strangest places as well. Perhaps the best thing that happened was losing. This time.