When the Adrenaline Wears Off

The night before I could feel my blood cells shake vibrantly. I couldn't think of anything, I was blank...yet thinking of everything in a quick flash. I was overwhelmed. Blurry everywhere. Not feeling sad but tears flying down my face. My face was stone cold and still. I had this back and forth emotional battle between normal nothing to scared blubbering crying when I get glimpses of feeling.

This feeling was happening the night before I left the airport, and continued to follow me onto the plane. I wasn't scared or panicking, but instead I felt nothing. I definitely wasn't excited to start this adventure but...not scared either. It's like I needed to have an emotional verb to pinpoint what I was feeling. A name for it. That was bothering me more than anything just not knowing what to call this jumble of emotion. If I knew what emotion I was having I could diagnose it. If I was scared I would do this. If I was sad I'd do this. Different emotions mean different things. But I had no name for it, therefore no solution to fix it so I just stayed numb and focused on my directions around the airport.

Traveling to the Budapest airport was a big emotional step, but I was just a robot, very calm and quite, avoiding all human contact (which was very unlike me). I got from place A to B no problem, not worried. I was in a new place and I wasn't focused on the pretty sights around me, I was focused on the map that said which bus stop to get off. It took about a month for me to gain feeling back. When I started to feel again and get comfortable, I really started to miss my friends and family. I wanted to be back in my home familiar place. Maybe since my adrenaline wore off and I started to feel again, I wanted to go back to the safe hole. My mind was exhausted. Either way the high was over and so was I. After I got even more adapted into my new Budapest surroundings, talking got easier and easier. My old self started to shine, but with that made me miss home more. Home is where your hobbies and life are. It's hard to fully be yourself if your normal routine is messed up. My local concerts and city drives were gone, late night video games, favorite snacks, home language, cat, random people dropping by the house. A lot of key differences with who I am are gone in Hungary. I'll develop new ones I guess and adjust but again...I'm so happy with the ones I got. This is what they really mean about "get out of your box" that's hard to understand, at least for me it was. To people who NEVER take a dare like sky diving, crowd surfing, tattoos, etc., their "box" is other people's normal life. So of course you hear more about the introvert people so don't jump on stage. To the people who live like that already, it's not the action that scares them to do it, but some things that are longer periods of time. Past when the adrenaline high wears off and you realize where you are.

The panic feeling is an addicting type of adrenaline, in short bursts they feel good. The longer you sit in that shocked box of adrenaline, you slowly come to your senses when you finally have time to think about it. "Why the fuck am I sitting in a glass box above an infinite drop. Oh shit...IDK but it was thrilling 10 mins ago, now it's just stupid to stay up here."

End of August I'd come home from work in Budapest as an intern producer, take my pants off, pee, and lay in bed on my phone till I fell asleep. I wasn't overly tired, nor sad, I'd just have no idea what to do with myself and wanted to be as comfortable as possible...bed was the solution. That's a completely opposite direction on my nightly routine if I were to be back in Atlanta. It was odd to live the life as an introvert when you're an extreme extrovert.

So fast forward two months when my family and friends didn't understand why I didn't take the big move to Hungary. That is why. I wasn't unhappy there, I was actually very happy. I missed/needed the deep emotion of happiness and the gut feeling of being correct. Confidence, determination, all those independent words back into my life.

Once I made my final decision to stay in Atlanta, everything in me finally felt like I had my first meal in over four months. I felt strong, determined, comfortable. I had color to my cheeks again. That's enough of a reason to stay as any. Classic but true, life's short so do whatever TF makes you happy.