Traveling with Depression

Lately I've been asking myself the question, why. Why did I quit my job? Why am I writing a blog? Why am I letting people into my private life? I think I haven't been able to come up with an answer because there isn't just one. There's a whole slew of reasons. And they are all connected. And they go way back to when I was a little girl.

As I’ve mentioned before, my life has always been a contradiction. It’s like my parents hardwired me that way with their parenting styles. I didn’t grow up with both of them in the same household so that in itself was enough to shape my development. My mother taught me to be afraid of the world and the dangers it held. My father taught me to be mindful of what I want but to never express it. They both taught me that adults don't always have it figured out and that it really does matter how you treat children. But they also taught me how to be strong and how to survive everything that they and others threw at me.

When I was growing up, my mom would always tell me how dangerous the world was: predators at every corner ready to snatch me up. And yet, every Sunday after church I would have to walk from Catechism Classes to my mom and stepdad’s restaurant. Or ride my bike uptown to get groceries or Chinese food. At first, I was terrified. Jumping at every small sound. Hoping to not see anyone else walking down the same alley as me. I can remember walking to elementary school alone which was four blocks away. But in high-school I was punished for walking from the high school to up town after a band dance. Freedoms were only allowed when they had benefits for others. So, I learned. Not only that I could survive the outside world, but also that I could survive my parents. That I had to.

I spent most of my high school years trying to prove to my mother that things weren't as bad as she said they were. That the world wasn't so scary. I was wrong of course and so I was completely unprepared for the raw and cruel nature of the adult world. It is much different than a child's world. And as scary and painful as my childhood was, my 20s gave it a run for its money. I spent my 20s completely devoid of any real direction and wasted a lot of years on nonsense. So here I am in my 30s attempting to make sense of it all while trying to heal all the mistakes of the past. Mine and others. In order to do that, I had to get real. And get it all out. The truth.

The truth, I have found, is a costly thing. Mostly because you never really know if you are getting it or not. Watching my parents to lie my whole life showed me how to and how to see it. So, I did both. Lied to liars because liars don't deserve the truth. So, by that logic, my brain continues, I don't deserve the truth. Another loop I find myself in. But for once, I wanted to be deserving of the truth. I worked hard to erase all the lies from life, though there are some that hang on. Some that others have told that still get brought up to this day.

So that’s why I'm here, spelling my tale out for you all. I’m hoping that by doing so, by being so open and honest about my life, I can reach the others out there who are hiding. Others who lost their true selves and need help finding it. Or to just have one voice that says it is ok, you can be you. Growing up, I didn’t have that voice, that support, that knowing that I was ok just as I was. That I didn’t need to be perfect to be deserving of love. As an adult now I have to learn how to change that voice inside my head that says I don’t deserve good things. I’m not alone. There are so many out there struggling to beat down their own voice every day.

The whys suddenly become clear when I look at them altogether. I quit my job because it was triggering my PTSD every day and I couldn’t find a way to change so that, so I left. I am writing the blog because I’m hoping to reach others who are triggered and feel alone. I’m letting the world in so that for once, my own story will be told, and not the ones that others have heard. It all comes together as I begin to reach for new goals, new dreams, and new heights. I want to take what I have and make some good out of it. I hope you’ll continue on this journey with me!