The Shifting

The wind howled. It raged against Lexie. Aggressive against her back, pushing her closer to the edge of the cliff. Out in front of her lay the open sea; rolling, turning, a mirror of the turmoil raging inside her. The warm north wind crashed into the cool air of the open sea, brewing up a storm. The clouds all shades of grey, rough and full to bursting. She knew she still had some time before they reached the shore and dropped all hell.

She was wearing his leather jacket, though his presence was long gone. She’d parked the Ducati just behind her. Watching the weather change before her she was unsure if she wanted to be riding these country lanes during the storm.

Lexie loved that bike. Loved the rush she got every time the engine burst into life beneath her. The way it responded to the softest of movements; a slight lean to the left, a touch to the right, the kick into a higher gear and the adrenaline pumping through her veins as the wind fought against her on the open road.

At present it felt as if everything was fighting against her; the wind, her choices, the repercussions. Everything.

If she stopped long enough to let herself think she wanted to scream. She needed to find a way to release the rage tearing her up. Somehow, she had thought the ride and pushing the bike faster and faster around the tight lanes would be the release she craved. She didn’t know where she had been heading when she left the house. Hadn’t planned the route. Like her past, she hadn’t thought about it and just took off. She couldn’t seem to uncloud the direction in which to move. Why fight the habits that had been steadily taking hold? Why fight so hard against the wind? It was easier to just go with the flow, to start then go with the winds. But now the winds were angry and howling. Challenging her. Calling her to fight. To push back. To change!

“Forward. Forward”

“Move. Move”

“Move Forward. Move Forward”

“Change!”

The winds howled. They raged. They billowed. They pushed her and pushed her and pushed her. Still she stood. Mesmerised by the sea and the approaching storm.

Looking out to the open expanse she saw a ship. Battling the ferocious seas, it ploughed head on into the storm. From where Lexie was standing the ship looked so small, fighting to break through, to make it beyond and into the calm. To reach the calm it would have to survive this maelstrom. The sight of the ship against the dark backdrop drew Lexie back to her past. She had spent hours in front of a similar scene in the solitude of the city’s art gallery. Then she was unable to tear herself away from the painting just as now she was unable to tear herself away from the reality. In the calm of the art gallery, she’d admired of the strength and courage the painting expressed. The Battle it had been titled. In the painting the ship had been pulling away from the tranquil harbour. The water around it peaceful and soft, still within view and safety of the jetty. Ahead lay the vast expanse of the open ocean also with a storm on the horizon. Back then she had resonated with the ship. Though now, standing on the cliff, Lexie cowered.

Confused and exhausted. She was trying to remember when this feeling of discontent had enveloped her. Tried to establish if it had been a sudden occurrence or if it had percolated into her slowly and unknowingly?

Back in the art gallery she had been ready to face anything thrown her way. She had stood tall, back straight, jaw set. She had felt solid and steady like the ship. Craving adventure, she had known the direction of her movements even if in the vaguest of ways. Lexie had truly believed that she was destined to do something with herself. She had felt constant excitement at all of the possibilities yet to be explored. Had encouraged the discontent as opportunities. Lexie recognised it was that feeling pushing her to change, to learn and then change again.

Lexie thought she had known what direction to travel in and thought she had found the person that she would face this unknown with. The one to watch her six as she would protect his. There had been this faith within her, guiding her, reaffirming that all would be ‘Ok’ in the end. In some way she would recognise the signals. She had not expected it to be easy, she had even relished the challenge of life; had stood tall and said “Is that all you got?”. Yet now, the thought of change paralysed her. She was at a loss to where or even when that fire within her had flickered down to mere embers. She felt like Atlas with the weight of the world on her shoulders; struggling to keep a hold, her feet sinking further into the ground. All the while raging inside. Burning. Trapped. She fought, she screamed, she howled within. He had walked away and so had she. Neither turning around. “Come back” she had wanted to say. Her silence still echoing around her. In the meantime, she had changed in ways which terrified her. Had uncovered deeper parts of herself she was not sure how to embrace.

The ship was still heading into the storm. Still ploughing ahead as if it was just another sunny day. She watched, transfixed. The wind was still pushing against her.

The ship, the wind.

The wind, the ship.

The fear and rage was choking Lexie. She looked out at the ship again. What looked so small holding its own and moving further away from shore. Lexie was strong. She reminded herself of all she had already survived and accomplished. She would survive this. She would move. She would change. She would. She would. She would. She felt as if she was shedding her skin. Coming out of a cocoon of ignorance and comfort she hadn’t realised she had burrowed into. Feeling layers fall away as she shuffled and wiggled. Trying to rid herself of the last remnants. She would shake this discontentment which had encroached upon her and become at peace again with the unknown.

The winds had not let up and the first rumble of thunder reached Lexie. The thunder and wind had merged into one force shouting at her.

“Who are you?”

“What do you want?”

Counting how much time Lexie had left; one elephant… Two elephant… Three elephant…

There was still time. If she left now she could outrun the storm.

One elephant… two elephant…

Not much, but still time. Yet Lexie continued to stand watching, thinking.

Rooted to the spot Lexie stood as the first drops of rain hit her. The ship now eclipsed by the clouds of the storm billowing towards her. Then the skies opened. Furiously rain drenched Lexie to the bone. Out of time she laughed and spread her arms wide, welcoming the storm.

The wind howled, the thumber boomed, the rain pelted and Lexie felt relief. The sudden release was overwhelming and finally she screamed, the thunder acting as her cover. What a cliche she thought. But then who really cared. It was only her perception, that tiny voice always critiquing. Her strength was sometimes her downfall.

Lexie had never been one to show vulnerability or to accept help. That stubborn voice had helped her to survive her past. Had helped her reconstruct herself time and time again. Now though she needed to find a balance with a softer more encouraging voice. The unbending and the vulnerable, made stronger by each other. She knew she would find a way to construct her place in the world. She would move. She would find her match. She would rekindle that fire and then let it blaze.

Lexie flung off the now sodden jacket. It landed with a satisfying thud. Maybe they would find a way back to each other. Either way she would move, she would welcome the challenge and step forward to meet it head on. Like the ship. Like the painting. She would push through and take it on the cheek.

How was it possible to know and yet not know at the same time? Know the direction to take and yet question it at every possible turn and remain blind to the newly exposed signs.

Lexie broke from the spell of the storm, stooped to collect the jacket and turned. Walking head on into the wind back to her bike. Igniting the bike into life it roared then settled. The vibration of the engine beneath Lexie sparked the lost faith, she could feel it unfurl into excitement. Riding in this storm was crazy, but she needed, she craved crazy right now. She was ready to go forth into the wind and face it head on.

Like the ship.