Reason #45 Why I’m Going To Hell

I am under no illusions that I am a straight up f***ed up individual. I’m an asshole and I will laugh in your face if you trip in front of me, and I expect you to laugh at me if I fall on my face while laughing at you.

A few years ago, in an effort to reconnect and fix our relationship, my Ex and I decided to go on vacation in a little town in Southern California. We stayed in an old hotel on the coast and spent our days just wandering around and doing weird touristy crap so we wouldn’t fight all the time. So, we wound up at this outdoor mall one day and we walked into this jewelry shop.

I’m a woman, I like jewelry and I was drooling over a necklace made from freshwater pearls and I got to talking with the owner. My Ex came over and was asking about all the marine wildlife in the marina.

“Oh, there’s so many seals and starfish and jellyfish out there, there’s also a couple families of otters. All thanks to our aquarium and marine life hospital.” She said smiling.

“That’s so cool, we don’t have anything like this back home.” He said he was really excited because he is such a nerd for marine biology.

“Well, a few years ago we caught a sunfish out there.” She continued.

She went into this long story of this Sunfish. How it got rescued and it was tangled up in a huge fishing net and it almost died but they spent a year nursing it back to health.

She was clearly working for an Oscar for this story, my Ex was on the verge of tears and meanwhile me (the Ice Queen) was pretty stoic. I’d make a concerned look when she got real dramatic about how often this fish came close to death and meanwhile I’m trying to figure out what the hell a sunfish looks like.

Is it the butt kicking fish from that one Spongebob episode? I think the guy that voiced that fish was Biff from Back to the Future. I didn’t like those movies, I mean they are entertaining but they are not great movies. Marty and Doc clearly do not learn from past mistakes about fucking with the time space continuum.

Snap back to the conversation, the woman is getting to the end of her story.

“I\ll never forget the day they released that beautiful creature back into the wild.” She smiled and pointed out the front window of the shop toward the marina.

“There was at least five different news stations here reporting it live, there was a huge crowd of people up and down the walkway to the marina just to watch them release the fish.”

“It must have been quite the sight.” I said, wanting to end this as quickly as possible.

“It was. Until the shark came.”

She started to turn away and I leaned over and said.

“I’m sorry, did you say the shark?” NOW I was interested.

“Yes, the sunfish shot out of the water and seemed to wave at us.” She got a little teary eyed, and I was waiting for the inevitably horrible conclusion.

“Before he touched the cool clear water, a shark jumped out of the water, snatched him, and started eating him.”

I breathed in deeply.

“Like...with everyone watching?” I said, desperately trying to keep a sympathetic face on.

“Oh yes, there were so many children. Every school in the vicinity had field trips scheduled to watch it.”

“And uh the news stations?”

“The delay wasn’t long enough and it was on the news for days.”

“Was it ….. Was it like horrible?” I asked. I could feel my face burning up with the need to laugh. I wasn’t gonna last much longer.

“Blood shot out of the water.”

I lost it.

I laughed.

I laughed like Santa Clause in the Coca Cola ads and I doubled over gasping for air. There was no one else in the shop except for the three of us and my laugh echoed. People that were walking by, looked in and saw me holding on to my knees trying to breathe and laugh at the same time, the shopkeeper horrified and staring me down and my Ex who was deep breathing to control his own laughter.

“My god.” I said as I stood up and looked her in the eyes. “Thats awful.” I got out one more laugh and looked at her.

“I hope you have a great day, we have to go.”

I grabbed his arm and we walked as fast as we could while laughing.

I’m sorry for laughing in her face, I really am, but come on. That wasn’t the story I was expecting to hear and my brain immediately produced a cartoon with soft gentle music as this glorious fish jumping from the water with the sun reflecting off its beautiful scales, and then a record scratch as a great white shark leaps up snatches it and immediately begins feasting upon its flesh while HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WATCH ALONGSIDE FIVE LIVE NEWS CASTERS with blood being propelled form the water like any movie directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I could see Seth MacFarlane turning that into a cutaway on Family Guy. Gruesome but hilarious all at the same time with Peter giggling in the background.

You can’t tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t break at that.

It’s been three years and I still laugh about that shit today.

I honestly believe that if I walked back into that shop, that woman would totally recognize me and kick me out, she was so horrified that I was laughing.