Camping isn't for me

by Mae McCreery 20 days ago in satire

Dirt, snakes, possible serial killers in masks with chainsaws? I won't be that dumbass in the beginning of a horror movie.

Camping isn't for me

I Don’t go Camping

Why would I voluntarily live like a dog?

Okay, so I don’t like hiking or camping. I have a debilitating fear of snakes, I had a very terrifying experience as a child on my great grandparents farm and I have anxiety attacks if there’s one in my immediate vicinity.

I have friends that like hiking and camping.

Let me just say that I do exercise. I go to the gym, I do yoga, and I have Jane Fonda workout videos. I like going to the gym. I like going to the beach and jogging on the shoreline.

I just hate hiking. And camping.

I’ve been hiking in my life, on school field trips and with groups of friends.

All of those experiences were terrible. We got lost, we had no water, someone fainted and we didn’t know what to do, we saw a hole with snakes and ran away. All of the times that I have been hiking have been awful. I once almost stepped on a coiled snake and when I saw it my foot was literally above it and I thought at first it was a pile of dog poop. I jumped straight up in the air like Goofy and then fucking booked it. I abandoned my group, I learned a lot about myself that day.

I’ve been camping a handful of times. What is so great about sleeping in a crappy tent made out of nylon and sleeping on the ground where no matter how much cushion you have between you and the ground, you wake up with Mount Kilimanjaro stabbing you in the back? Then you pack your entire campsite up in your backpack and hike to the next camping spot to set it all back up? No shower. No bath. No locks. You sleep with a thin material tent between you and everything in the world. You get to lay there and accept that a bear might come along and think you're Leonardo DiCaprio in the Revenant, that’s fun for you? There could be a murderer wandering the woods and you are the dumbass sleeping without a care in the world. That’s how horror movies start. And I don't want to be that person in the beginning of Supernatural episodes.

I had a conversation with a friend recently and she’s been trying to get me to go hiking and camping with her for years.

“It’s so wonderful to connect with nature.” There were stars in her eyes as she described the majesty of the mountains she's climbed and he fields she walked through.

“I can connect with nature, just not for long periods of time.” I was very cynical.

“But there’s something so magical about waking up in the morning and relying totally on yourself.” She explained.

“I do that now.” I do enjoy going outside, just not walking through the woods and stumbling upon a couple having sex or a homeless person camping in the middle of the track.

“But to set up your shelter and be alone with your thoughts and no one else.” She honestly thought that explanation would turn me.

“I have problems setting up email accounts, I’m not gonna put up a tent in less than an hour. And I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, plus there’s other people hiking around you, you’re not truly alone.” I'm not going to the great outdoors to discover something about myself, this isn't 'Wild'. If I want to rediscover myself, I'm gonna go somewhere with locked doors and showers.

“You just need to give it a chance.” We've had this conversation at least ten times, I don't know why she thought this time would be any different.

“To live like a dog? No, no I’m fine not experiencing that again in my lifetime. I’m not gonna dig a hole every time I need to take a shit and I’m not prepared to defend myself should some psycho come after me while I’m hiking with an additional twenty pounds of shit on my back.” She didn't have a comeback for that. She travels with her husband who nobody would fuck with, whereas it would just be me. A 5'1" 135 lbs white girl with zero muscles and thighs that touch.

If you like camping, good for you. I’m glad that you enjoy it and I hope you have many delightful experiences in the future.

For me though, that’s not my jam.

I sprain my ankle and I’m dead on the trail.

I went camping as a kid a lot with some extended family. The kids slept in tents and the adults slept in the motor home. We’d spend the day riding jet skis and then barbecue at night. And I hated sleeping on a thin mattress with three other people. I hated it and I never wanted to do it again.

Guess what? I haven’t.

Have you guys ever watched the movie 'The Ritual"? A group of guys go on a camping trip and everything goes downhill and ends with human sacrifices. I really can't think of many good movies that include camping. I can name like 15 horror movies and shows that include camping.

On that note, happy camping for ya'll!

satire
Mae McCreery
Mae McCreery
Read next: Camping > Hotels
Mae McCreery

I’m a 26 year old female that is going through a quarter life crisis. When my dream of Journalism was killed, I thought I was over writing forever. Turns out, I still have a lot to say.

See all posts by Mae McCreery