My High Phobia

I’m afraid of heights. No! Let me rephrase that. It’s not the height that scares me, I’m terrified of falling from that height, whatever it is.

I vacationed once with my family, and we hiked up a long trail to the apex of an exceedingly high hill. None of us realized how high we hiked until we wandered to the edge and looked down. Immediately, I took several large steps backwards. I was instantly terrified to the point of almost hyperventilating. Once I was aware of how far from the edge I stepped, I sat on the ground and put my head between my folded knees and concentrated on slowing my breathing to calm my racing heart. My family couldn’t understand how terrified I’d become. My sons raced to where I sat. “Mom, are you ok?”

Yes, there was a safety rail but that didn’t matter to me. I was still beyond fear. We were on a simple walk up a mountain path. It was steep in certain areas but nothing that required climbing. Yes, it was a long walk but nothing extraordinary – or at least I thought that at the time.

“I’ll be fine.” I reassured them. “Just need a minute to catch my breath.” While they looked genuinely concerned, they accepted what I’d said. Back with the rest of the family, they kept glancing my way assuring themselves I was, indeed, ok.

I was thrilled to realize that climbing down the hill wasn’t an option. We WALKED down the hill on the appointed pathway as we walked up but on the other side. It was just like one side up and one side down but no climbing. Easy!

Was my fear logical? Probably not considering the safety precautions the park had taken but my mind was telling me that anything could happen. All too often the unexpected arose and smacked you square in the face. After all, in my heart, I know I’m not the only one who suffers from fear of a fear of heights.

My fear hasn’t changed in all the years since that day but my prospective has.

While I try to avoid heights as much as possible, there are times when they’re impossible to avoid. For instance, when I need to climb a ladder to put ornaments on the top portion of my Christmas tree. While I’m not too thrilled about it, I manage to get it done.

A few Christmases ago, my husband asked me what I wanted as a gift. I told him I wanted a ladder. “You want a what?” he asked. I explained. “We have a really, super tall one, one just two rungs smaller, and a step ladder. We have nothing in between those sizes that I could climb on and feel comfortable.” We drove to The Home Depot and headed straight to the ladder section. We pulled out four assorted sizes and unfolded them so I could climb each one. Finally, I settled on one that felt perfect. It was extremely sturdy with just the right number of steps – NOT rungs but actual steps, and included an attachable tray – so no up and down for each item. What a treat!

While he shook his head as he paid for my Christmas gift, he understood this was really what I needed to help me with my fear of heights.

Oh, and yes, he’s used my ladder from time to time since it is the perfect height for certain jobs.

Now we can fast forward a few years. With my small inheritance, I decided to treat my husband and myself to an Alaskan vacation. It had been on our bucket list for years, but we could never afford the two-week land/cruise vacation. Now, with my inheritance, we could.

Part of the land tour was a bus ride to the Alaskan/Canadian border. The sights were breathtaking, and I took several photos along the way. We arrived at a tourist shop that was just across the border into Canada where we could purchase soft drinks or coffee and snap those memorable photos. (Yes, we needed our passports to enter the shop.)

On the Canadian side was a long, metal mesh bridge where, once you crossed to the other side, many more scenic views waited for your camera.

My husband was eager and couldn’t get to the bridge fast enough. I, on the other hand, hesitated as I looked down into the river below. I took a step backward. I checked out the mesh flooring. It seemed sturdy enough. I checked out the rails. Again, they didn’t seem threatening.

As I felt my heart pounding, I decided to take the chance and take a few steps forward. First, I looked behind me to ensure I wouldn’t be holding up other tourists. Since no one was there, I ventured on. Then I saw the view. I leaned a bit closer to the edge of the bridge. It swayed a bit but nothing drastic. I took another step and what I saw was utterly amazing. I lifted my camera and began snapping away. The lighting from that point was terrific and instinct told me I might not have the same lighting on the way back. I didn’t think twice.

I began moving forward, zigzagging along the way to capture the beautiful scenery on both sides. I was enjoying myself and totally forgot how high in the air I was walking.

Funny how the mind works. I never looked forward, only down at the mesmerizing river that was surrounded by rocks and trees. I was in awe at the colors the sun produced on the running water.

Then I heard my husband’s voice. “You made it! For a few seconds, I wasn’t sure you would.”

I looked up and saw his smiling face. He was so proud of me conquering my fear, he gave me a huge hug.

“Let’s go back and grab another cup of coffee and I’ll show you the images in the camera.”

We walked back across the bridge and not once did my heart skip a beat. Not once, did my breath try to escape from my lungs. I walked across the bridge with confidence, and once across, I looked back and snapped a photo of the bridge that once would have scared the breath right out of me.

It was a turning point in my life.

Am I still afraid of heights? Absolutely, but now, I know that fear can be conquered. It can no longer control me.

Am I still careful climbing a ladder? Of course, but while I am careful and concentrate on my footing, I no longer hold the ladder in a death-grip.

Our vacation did more than give us wonderful memories. It gave me more confidence, and more control over a phobia that haunted me for years.

Now, if I can only find a way to conquer my fear of magnets.

Yep, I am terrified of them – especially the super strong ones. Oh well, that’s just something I guess I’ll have to learn to live with.