Life Four Months Ago

by Hannah B 5 months ago in satire
Third Place in Virtual Postcard ChallengeThird Place in Virtual Postcard Challenge

The ultimate vacation destination

Life Four Months Ago
Photo by Djim Loic on Unsplash

Tired of the new normal? Do you miss the walls around you feeling like a safe haven instead of a medium security suburban prison? Are those little spots behind your ears sore from the cute homemade mask you paid $25 in shipping on Etsy for?

Break out those travel miles and dollars that you surely haven't used on your cancelled vacations and weddings and book your trip to a once in a lifetime destination perfect for all travellers. Step into a time when a virus was "just the flu". Feel general disdain for large gatherings of people for the regular reasons instead of for fear of public and personal safety. Worry only for the next world war, and only when you accidentally watch the news. Realize that the mundane tasks and activities you once did without even thinking about them, or even avoided, can be the luxurious getaway you now crave. Welcome to life four months ago.

When you're visiting Life Four Months Ago, you can grocery shop without the fear of imminent death! You can grocery shop to get an hour break from your family: really take the time to read the labels on those organic mac and cheese boxes like you aren't going to buy the cheap processed kind. Browse strange seasonal vegetables without having to buy that kale you accidentally brushed with your elbow. Hell, pick up an apple and decide it's not the one you want... and then put it back! Go absolutely crazy! Here at Life Four Months Ago we don't care about your nasty-ass germs and we certainly do not encourage proper hand hygiene so don't you sweat it. Get in line and stand uncomfortably close to your fellow shoppers; it's customary to cough, sneeze, and generally get your essence all over strangers, so be sure to really soak in the culture and try your hand at making people uncomfortable, not with your germs, but with your lack of social awareness!

Walk to get your mail without a hood and sunglasses and don't you worry about posting pictures with your friends and family. No one here seems to know that a pandemic is on it's way even though it's sweeping through Asia at a most alarming rate and, friend, we don't care! Visit friends and family without fear of someone phoning the police. Use the trunk of your car for the random crap you hide from passengers in your car again instead of a "social distancing" sofa! Keep that location setting switched to on because here in Life Four Months Ago no one will yell at you for going to that tinder hookup and risking your life in general. There are no deadly viruses that for some reason make it more scary that you're going to a random stranger's house so you go and get your freak on!

Throughout the day while you're visiting Life Four Months Ago, you can check any given social media platform without losing massive amounts of respect and understanding for your friends and family who blatantly disregard rules in place to keep you and the vulnerable people around you safe. You'll find regular political disagreements, cat pictures, viral videos of three year olds singing, and mass amounts of direct salespeople messaging you "hey girl! long time no talk!". You can still have plans and dreams of attending various concerts and festivals with our locals, with nothing possibly looming over us in the months to come that could ruin these plans.

Eat whatever you want whenever you want wherever you want because everything here is open and ready to serve you! The citizens of Life Four Months Ago do not have any notable obsessions with whipped coffee, banana bread, and sourdough starters, so it's best to leave those trends at home and try some of the local cuisine trends like sitting down in a crowded restaurants and supporting all restaurants regardless of the ethnicity of the proprietors. Jokes about the dangers of weight gain while being at home eating what you like are genuinely frowned upon here, so try to keep your talk about your weight and body image to a minimum and try to indulge in enjoying food and beverage responsibly and intuitively.

The return to your life in the present will be a difficult transition with many possible side effects which may include but are not limited to; nausea, fatigue, depression, downloading the Tik Tok app, arguments on facebook, your favourite restaurants closing, missing friends and family, mass deaths and illnesses, and possible job loss. It is recommended you maintain responsible citizenship and social distancing when necessary should you wish to return once again to Life Four Months Ago.

We hope to see you soon.

Yours in Blissful Ignorance,

Life Four Months Ago.

satire
Hannah B
Hannah B
Read next: Camping > Hotels
Hannah B

Mom, Wife, writer, social worker, self proclaimed funny girl, and publicly proclaimed "piece of work".

Currently working on a challenge for 2020 to complete a piece for every community on Vocal!

See all posts by Hannah B