I've Got the JetBlues

I’ve Got The JetBlues

For those of us who travel, it’s become apparent that flying is no longer, if it ever was, a joy.

I just came back to Los Angeles from a recent trip to New Jersey and although I have had worse experiences on Spirit Airlines (see "My Trip From H-E Double Hockey Sticks"), JetBlue can pat themselves on the back for being one step above Spirit.

The first thing I don’t understand, and every airline seems to be doing this, is why do I need to purchase a seat? What, exactly, am I purchasing when I buy a ticket? Why are seats no longer included? I refuse to succumb to these practices. And when you don’t purchase one, they save the middle seat nobody wants just for you.

JetBlue boasts to never overbook, so you will get a seat. I take that gamble. And I have won. On my return trip, I hit the jackpot with one of their more roomy seats (it was a middle seat) but there was no one on the aisle so I moved over. Take that, JetBlue. You shall not punish me.

But, the problem arose on my way to New Jersey. Of course the flight was delayed by two hours, but they want you to get there at the original time just in case they decide not to delay it, as if that would ever happen.

When you don’t purchase a seat, you are the last to board. I think they view this as some sort of punishment, but we all know it isn’t. It does announce to everyone who the cheap people are who didn’t purchase a seat ahead of time and we are also not allowed a carry on bag. It’s some form of traveler discrimination, shaming us for not conforming to their airline ideology.

I take my middle seat and we sit for an hour waiting for the copilot to show up. Apparently, he didn’t know he was working that day. The moron next to me has taken my electrical outlet and I can’t charge any of my devices which always go dead faster when I’m at an airport, just to spite me. He has his earbuds in so I don’t confront him, but the girl next to me says I can use hers which was really lucky because hers didn’t work.

I notice my TV on the seat in front of me will not work and I have no volume. This is now a dire situation because I have no working devices, no radio, and no TV. I wait until take off and I tell the flight attendant about my situation. She says she will ask them up in the cockpit because they run it. You would think they’d have more to do than concern themselves with everybody’s television, but no, now we’ve all learned something.

I don’t hear back from her and here she comes with the beverage selection. I ask her again. “I asked them about it, but if it doesn’t work, I can change your seat,” she says. “OK, I’ll change my seat," I say eagerly. She moves on without acknowledgement. I poke at the TV screen, hoping for something, but nothing happens.

Here she comes with the snacks. “Can I change my seat?’ I query. “Let me see what I have available. I have a couple up front,” she says as she tosses a couple of PopCorners at me. She’s from New Jersey, I can tell. We know how to spot each other. I don’t see her for another half hour. A different flight attendant runs by and I ask her. This one is not from New Jersey and seems very flustered and confused by my question. I could smell the fear on her, see it in her eyes. She sends Miss New Jersey over and she takes me to my new seat.

We’re two hours in on this process, but it turns out I’m getting a better seat, to the dismay of the two people I will be sitting between. “Why are they moving you here?” asks my new seatmate, another New Jersey woman. (Subtext: My son and I don’t want you here. We were happy before your skinny ass arrived and sat between us. Can’t you see he’s draining my bank account, eating everything in sight? I need privacy for that.) I explain why I’m being moved there and she points to the seat across the aisle. “Why don’t you sit there?” Why don’t you mind your own business?

I settle into my seat and start poking at the screen in front of me. I quickly find out there’s a problem. The Lady Who Doesn’t Want Me There tries to help me out to no avail. The screen doesn’t work, but I can get the radio. She says “Why don’t you tell them to move you to another seat?” “I don’t want to complain anymore,” I say, as visions of me being removed from the plane in handcuffs, screaming like a Karen, enter my mind.

Miss New Jersey comes over and says she’s given me a $15 credit I can use on my next flight to purchase food. That was nice. I looked forward to using it.

On my return to California, the flight was again two hours late, but these days, you’re lucky to even get on one. They reprimanded us ahead of time about wearing a useless mask at all times, otherwise punished to never fly with them again. They also flashed some instructions on the screen to make sure you tell them if any passenger did anything they don’t like. This is a great practice, telling on your fellow Americans.

They also remind you to keep a healthy distance from each other. I’ll try to remember that as I’m squeezed in that middle seat between two other germy people.

I ordered a dry turkey sandwich for $14, pleased with myself because I had that $15 credit from my seat-moving flight, but no, "you're not allowed to use it for this. You have to use it for something else." What else? A seat, maybe? I already told you , lady, I'm not purchasing a seat. They know how to get you. Either that, or Miss New Jersey lied to me. I settled in to watch a movie on a screen that worked. I know what to expect now on JetBlue, as I prepare for my next flight to Florida next week. Just slightly more than what to expect from Spirit Airlines.