How to Speak Brooklyn

In this article, world renowned linguist (and suspected serial killer) Don Aska Donatelli shares his expertise on how to correctly pronounce some of the most popular phrases tourists or visitors may want to ask when communicating with the quaint inhabitants of Brooklyn, New York.

As a word of caution, when approaching the natives of Brooklyn, it is best to signal with body language that you mean no harm.

Don't look them directly in the eye for more than a few seconds at a time as this can be interpreted as a sign of aggression, and may result in bodily fluids being flung at you from behind bars.

Also, always keep your hands out in the open, because leaving them in your pockets could be misconstrued as an indication you are concealing a deadly weapon. Like a pack of Tic-Tacs, or maybe a ham and cheese omelet on a roll. (LOVE those! You gotta try one...)

And, be ready to accept that, despite a long-winded answer to your ignorant tourist questions (Q: How do I get to Carnegie Hall? A: Take the N or R train to 57th street and walk one block East to 6th avenue, ya hump ya. Can't you read a frickin' subway map? And, oh yeah, practice, practice, practice...), you're unable to divine a single word of the reply because most Brooklynites are not even aware there are other people and places in the world beyond, like, Coney Island or the Brooklyn Bridge (which, if you're interested, is on sale, btw. I can get you a good price. I know a guy...) where people try to speak in a more refined and cultured manner when encountering strangers who, let's face it, may as well be from Uranus. And we're not talking the planet here...

That's why noted sociopath Don Aska Donatelli is presenting this educational and highly instructive series of videos which can help to decipher the arcane and mysterious language skill of How To Speak Brooklyn.

The series will be steadily expanding into a full-blown, non-accredited college course of no value whatsoever. So, in the meantime, the Don has graciously allowed us to post the first few videos in the series to give you an idea of what's to come. And to make a quick, easy buck from a bunch of suckers.

Brooklyn Speak Number One:

Proper English Version:

"How are you?"

Proper Brooklyn Spelling:

"How Ya Doin'?"

Watch this YouTube video to hear the correct pronunciation.

Brooklyn Speak Number Five:

Proper English Version:

"Have you eaten yet?

Proper Brooklyn Spelling:

"Juzeatyet?"

Watch this YouTube video to hear the correct pronunciation.

So hopefully these videos have given you a chance to brush up on basic phrases which may come in handy if you ever visit the beloved and historic borough of Brooklyn (which is considered by some dummies to be a "backwater" village lurking in the shadows of those stuck-up Johnny Pumps who think who they are and run around like lab rats in New York City. Sorry, Manhattan...)

But, to be honest, we really don't want to be bothered and would much rather you stay home in your nice little protective bubble, shielded from the real world and privately goofing on "New Yawkers" who, by reciprocation, think your incomprehensible accent is the stupidest (and most hilarious) way of "tawking" we've ever friggin' "hoid."

So, if you must, come and visit Brooklyn for a cuppla days, buy a bunch of useless, way, way over-priced crap (so we can gouge the hell out of you country bumpkins) and see all the wondrous sights we could personally care less about and don't even notice.

(We highly recommend a walking tour through the Doofus Hipster and re-gentrified neighborhood of Williamsburg, whose residents we fondly refer to as "those effin' douchebags.")

And, then, just...

"Getthefugouttaheh!"