A Never-Ending Journey

My story began years before I tried to cram my life into tiny boxes. I have always been reluctant to admit that love was something that I needed. It was something that I desired. But, even though I craved loved, it did not crave me. So I decided that I wouldn't focus on it. Instead, I would do anything to distract myself from reality. My reality is that I have never had a boyfriend before. I felt ashamed. I am a 22-year old that has never experienced romantic love. I longed for a high school sweetheart, but nobody seemed to bat an eyelid at me. During these primitive years, I never felt like I met societies standard of beauty. What I didn't have in looks, I made up with my personality. I was the funny one. I would make everybody laugh, even if it were at my own expense.

I laughed to fill the void in my heart. If nobody could see that I was unhappy, it wouldn't draw their attention to me. I would try to have as much fun as possible to help keep my feelings at bay. However, the void in my heart just seemed to get bigger and bigger. It didn't matter how many friends I had or if I threw myself at different men. It didn't make me feel loved. It was almost as though I was forcing someone to fall in love with me. I have never had someone that loved me just for being me—a love with no conditions and complete acceptance. I started to think that perhaps something was wrong with me. What was it about me that deterred men? Why was I so unlovable? I forced myself to go out on dates to feel desired by someone. I thought that the more experience I had, the more I could prepare to meet the love of my life. I never knew how overwhelming dating could be.

I felt anxious when walking into a venue, not knowing whether he would be there or if he had decided to bail at the last minute. I am not fond of small talk, and I didn't realise that this seemed to happen at the beginning of every date. It felt like the most inauthentic experience of my life. Nobody seemed to be in search of their soul mate. So I decided to stop dating men and start dating myself. I spent months doing spiritual practices and feeding my soul with videos, podcasts and extracts from self-help books. Still no luck. I felt as needy as ever, and I decided that I would need to make a significant change in my life.

I have always wanted to travel the world to experience different cultures and meet new people. I hoped to share an eat, pray, love moment. I thought that if I travelled to Bali, I would meet a monk and have a beautiful spiritual experience. Maybe he would be able to tell me what my future held and where I could find my soul mate. Unfortunately, the universe had other ideas, and my flight to Indonesia got cancelled. I want to say that I didn't let this stop me, but I would be lying. I spent a good few weeks moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I had no idea what to do as I had invested my future in this trip. Then, I began thinking about a potential road trip. Where could I travel to in the UK that would feel like I was on holiday? I took this idea and ran with it. I applied for a job in a port city and decided to move far, far away to a new town. I wanted to go somewhere that I hadn't been before, a place where I knew no one.

Moving was my fresh start. A chance for me to leave everything I had known behind and to leap into the unknown. I expected to be filled with excitement and feel a sense of expansion. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. It wasn't long before everything came crashing down around me. The small things broke first, like my acrylic nail and a plastic piece of cutlery (don't ask). Then followed my car. What was supposed to be a 4-hour road trip turned into a 12-hour journey. I remember sitting outside the service station, on the gravel with tears streaming down my face waiting for someone to rescue me. My friendships broke down not long after this. The hardest thing about moving to a new city is that sometimes leaving means saying goodbye to more than just the town you lived in. Sometimes it requires to you say goodbye to old friendships and habits that once offered you comfort.Everything that I had known began to change. I was in this new city where everything felt so unfamiliar. The streets, buildings and faces seemed to merge into a blog of confusion. I was constantly retracing my steps because somehow, I couldn't believe that this was my destination.

Even though I had tried to leave everything behind, I was still clinging to the past. My life came to a halt. I realised that the personality that I tried so desperately to create in my teens wasn't me at all. Instead, it was who I thought I should be. I was utterly lost. A part of me still feels lost. The 'me' that I wanted my soul mate to love wasn't me at all. If I don't know who I am, how could I expect a stranger to love me unconditionally for something that I hadn't even figured out? This moment was the first time in my life that I have intentionally decided to stop looking for this romantic relationship. Instead, I have decided to go on a beautiful journey to find happiness. I have no idea what the destination looks like, but I have faith that it will look better than the path I have walked so far.

Planning leads to disappointment. I have tried to plan how my life would look. I wanted to control when things happened and how they happened. I wanted to direct all the scenes of my life, only to realise there isn't a definitive ending. The most beautiful lesson that I have learnt so far is that no matter how many times I struggled to wrestle with the circumstances of my life. I have always managed to pick myself up. I am on a journey to generate more self-love and self-acceptance. This journey isn't how I expected it to be; there are times where I have felt so lonely. I sometimes miss seeing a familiar face. Other times I am left in awe by the beauty that surrounds me. I find myself lost most of the time, but that's ok. These moments have unlocked something inside of me. I am confident in the strength that lies within me. There is a resilience inside me that burns as bright as my desire to find love. Some of you may think that this is where it ends. It doesn't. A journey is something that continues. Although one journey has ended, another one has just begun.