A Big Bad American Road Trip

Will this third instalment be a box office smash like Return of the Jedi or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, or fail to reach the dizzying heights of its predecessors like The Godfather: Part III? Join us as our land voyage takes us deep into the wilderness and decide for yourself.

Colorado Springs, CO to Leadville, CO (2hr 30 mins, 127 miles)

I could've sworn I saw the campsite explode in the review mirror as we left the stifling heat of Colorado Springs' red rocks behind and headed to the mountain town of Leadville, CO. Home to Colorado Mountain College, this semi-charming former silver mining town at 10,000+ feet is now crammed full of rich kids buying fleeces from Melanzana. Made on location, these hideous garments attract scores of teenagers to spend all of their parents hard-earned cash on an item of clothing they may not wear again after posting about it on Instagram.

Maxx felt it necessary to buy one ironically to subvert the narrative about capitalism, also because he was cold. With Maxx wrapped up snug like a berk in a rug, we grabbed pizza with a view of snow-capped mountains in the garden of High Mountain Pies, then left civilisation to get our first taste of dispersed camping. No reservations and no amenities, just a patch of flat ground far from phone reception and the nearest town, and most importantly - not in a car park sandwiched between a main road and a trailer park.

We set up camp among towering pines far from other humans and huddled around a fire for the evening, listening to the sounds of creaking tree trunks and howling wolves in the distance that wasn't even remotely terrifying given how far we were from a hospital.

Pouring rain and rustling branches that may or may not have been a murderous family who live deep in the woods coming to kill us in our sleep kept us awake most of the night, but all these worries disappeared when the sun rose and we woke up to birds tweeting, crisp air and beautiful calmness.

Leadville, CO to Fruita, CO (3hrs, 185 miles)

We said goodbye to the wolves and the murderous family and joined Independence Pass, a winding and narrow scenic road that would eventually land us in Grand Junction. Only open part of the year due to heavy snowfall in the area, a lack of barriers next to dizzying sheer drops made me glad Shelby was driving. Eventually, we arrived in Grand Junction and parked up for a mooch around. Full of boutiques, expensive hiking shops and restaurants, I could see Leadville's teen population one day retiring there. Fortunately, our Airbnb for the night was around 20 minutes away in a small town called Fruita, situated at the foot of the astonishing Colorado National Monument.

We dumped our bags, all hopped in one car and began the ascent into the monument. It was closed, so we didn't have to pay and it was completely empty. Along the way, we stopped only to gaze at the red valley below and shout "OH MY GOD!" at the top of our voices and listen to the sound bounce around below.

Maybe it's the fact that we were the only people for miles or that this little adventure was spontaneous and it took me by surprise, but I still regularly think about crawling through a tunnel that evening. As the sun began to set and the red rocks changed to an orange hue with a misty mountain range far in the distance, we emerged the other side to find a cliff edge with panoramic views of the ancient monument. In the stunning silence and stillness, I ripped out the loudest fart imaginable.

Fruita, CO to Salt Lake City, UT (4hrs, 217 miles)

It was nearly time to bid farewell to our travel companions in Salt Lake City, but first we took a detour to Arches National Park, up there with Badlands for otherworldly and slightly unnerving national parks. Dogs aren't allowed on the trails, so we took it in turns to chill with Bagel in the car while the other got a glimpse of the weird arch formations up close. As it was a National Park, I was permitted to drive for a while (the speed limit was 20mph most of the time), which felt like driving the Mars Rover at times (even though we own a Toyota and not a Rover). I wrote a song in a car park about how everybody looked miserable and sunburnt, then we continued on our way to Mormon Mecca: Salt Lake City.

We arrived at Tanya and Jack's house and spent the next few days clinging onto the last moments we would perhaps ever have as a road trip family. We hiked alongside crystal clear lakes, wildflower meadows in the footsteps of mountain goats. I climbed a big wall at a climbing gym and felt as nimble as the large oaf I am, then sat in a sauna at the gym with a young couple on a road trip. I told them to check out Leadville if they wanted a fleece, but they said they didn't need one as they were in a sauna. We played games, drank beers, ate great food and put the world to rights, but we all knew that moments like this are impermanent and try as you might to savour every last second, it would soon be ending.

Shelby, Bagel and I bid farewell to Mad Dog and continued on the road to Idaho alone. Little did we know, the adventure was just beginning.

To Be Continued...