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A Big Bad American Road Trip

Chapter II: Colorados and don'ts.

By Billy FrancisPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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I just came over to say "hike"

Like the bullies from high school with big beer bellies who are now married to people who can't stand them, I was worried our trip may have peaked too early. Unlike Dave those kids, the success of the first leg of our trip continued into the second.

We made a move south from spellbinding South Dakota to dazzling Denver, also known as The Mile High City because it's exactly one mile above sea level, and not because everybody is smoking giant doinks and ripping fat bongs, although they also do that there.

Here is a man I don't know with a dog I don't know outside a dodgy devil's lettuce factory in Denver

East Custer, SD to Denver, CO (5hrs +, 360 miles)

Chalky blue skies met vast prairies across the sprawling plains of Wyoming. Daydreams of Native Americans and pioneers crossing the arid land were quickly muddied by impatient drivers blaring horns in lifted trucks, zooming past on the two-lane road.

We made it to Denver and checked into our room at the Kimpton, arguably the crème de la crème of pet-friendly hotels (but what would I know?), and took a wander through the city. The stark contrast to the natural surroundings of the first stretch of the trip was immediate, punctuated by a bright pink pool float tumbling from the rooftop pool of a high rise building and narrowly missing us. Also the smell of human piss.

At night, the imperfections of the city disappear as bustling crowds bring a buzz of excitement, meeting up for dinner from food trucks and beers in breweries with local musicians strumming away in the background. We all agreed, however, that we were glad to be heading back into nature in the morning.

"I think that hawk just licked its lips."

Denver, CO to Black Hawk, CO (1hr, 38 miles)

We left Denver and headed to the mountains. I was astonished how quickly the white peaked mountains appeared, rolling for miles with white clouds parting above, only to be told that I was staring at a giant Coors Light can outside the factory and we weren't there yet. It wasn't long before the real things did appear as we climbed the dirt track to our home for the next few days at 8,537 feet near Black Hawk.

The following day, we struck out on Mountain Lion Loop, which took us along wooded pathways to panoramic views of The Centennial State. On the drive back to the house, we were flagged down by a woman who had locked her keys in her car. Maxx dropped her at a gas station to call for help and we headed back to our mountain paradise. Call it opposite karma, coincidence or the occult but when we arrived back, Maxx promptly locked his own keys in his car and we had to get the AAA out.

"Yep, it's definitely a lake, my dude."

On our last full day at the Airbnb, we visited Rocky Mountain National Park, one of America's highest national parks (hur hur). We took a quick wander around shimmering Bear Lake, before driving the tallest paved road in the country, where we met horny goats and mountain beavers, plus a number of animals, too.

Black Hawk, CO to Colorado Springs, CO (90 mins +, 100 miles)

The trouble with mixing Airbnbs with camping is that you have to camp. The idea of getting into a soggy tent and sleeping with a big stinky dog on a gradually deflating air mattress didn't fill me with excitement, especially after enjoying a kingsize with a view of the Rocky Mountains for nearly a week – until I saw the campsite, and then I felt even more deflated than the mattress.

Less a campsite and more a converted car park, we pitched up on our sandy patch adjacent to the RV parking area. Highlights included an ancient arcade with a skiing game and Metal Slug (this was genuinely a highlight tbf) and the city's main road just beyond a fence.

To combat the questionable conditions, we spent as much time away from the campsite as possible. Pike's Peak was our first port of call. Described as a fourteener, it is over 14,000-feet high and the 89th tallest peak in the United States, which is not very impressive when it's put like that but very impressive when you drive up it.

Four of us bundled into a single car with the three dogs and headed up the steep mountain road. I was struggling to breathe – not because of the altitude, but thanks to the doggy breath and guff percentage in the vehicle.

Garden of the Dogs

Our neighbours at the campsite nearly got into a fistfight with each other and started throwing husks of corn about during the night, so we decided to head out in the morning and try our hands at dispersed camping instead. The only drawback would be a lack of Metal Slug. Before ditching, we headed to Colorado Springs' main attraction, Garden of the Gods.

The path less trodden

We hiked the red rocks of the geological anomaly for a while until it got too hot for the dogs and set off for our campsite off the beaten path near Leadville, CO. With no arcade and RV park, would there be anybody to hear us scream?

To Be Continued...

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About the Creator

Billy Francis

Writer of things that my mom says are funny.

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