The Woman I get to be when I finally feel safe

For the longest time, I thought that being strong meant I needed to carry everything on my own. I thought that being strong meant I couldn’t let anyone in. That I couldn’t let my guard down. The one thing I’ve always wanted was someone by my side whom I could lean on. Someone who will say that it’s okay for me to not know and that I didn’t have to always have all the answers. That it’s okay that I have some things I’m still learning.

The woman that I was before you came into my life was a bit of a pushover. It’s not that I didn’t know how to say no, but I didn’t want to make other people feel bad by saying it. I’ve always been the one everyone could run to whenever they needed help. Whenever they needed a shoulder to lean on. And to be honest, being needed felt kind of good. To me, that meant that I wasn’t alone. At least, that was what I thought it meant.

I once believed that their need for me was a sign of respect. While I had always been their go-to person, I’ve never been able to go to them without knowing they’d want something in return. It was always tit for tat. They weren’t genuine. When it came to my needs and my feelings, I had no one. And for years, I’ve learned to live with that. I didn’t know what to do, or how to put up those boundaries.

I didn’t need anyone to come to my rescue.

I didn’t need anyone to come in and take over.

I didn’t need anyone to constantly treat me as though I was a burden.

What I needed.

What I wanted.

I prayed every night for someone who would remind that I am just as important as everyone around me. That even the strongest women deserve to have a safe space. I didn’t need these things, but I wanted them. I craved the need to be submissive to the right man who deserved it.

I’ve put up so many walls to the point that letting my guard down wasn’t even an option. I honestly didn’t know how to do that anymore. Let them down and live freely for me. Be happy.

As much as I wanted to drop the walls, I forgot the means to live life without the need for them.

Then you came into my life, and all the years I’ve waited were worth it. Because life with you is a breath of fresh air. It feels as though I was drowning and you came in and pulled me out of the water. I’ve always believed that I deserved happiness too, but you helped me to believe that what I wanted in life truly mattered. That everything that God has for me will come. You helped, and are yet helping me, believe again.

I’ve gone from being that shy girl who didn’t want to stand on her own boundaries to please everyone else, to the woman accepting everything as it comes. You’ve brought peace into my life that wraps around me like a warm hug. I can’t ever imagine my life without you in it now. You’ve brought about a change in my life that I am very comfortable expressing. Sometimes it makes me want to scream it to the world.

Everyone that knows me knows how I’ve always been. They lived off knowing that I would always be there. Knowing that I was always the dependable one. They took advantage of it. And now, the thought of saying no is no longer something that I run from. I welcome it, and I won’t hesitate to say it when I need to.

Because of your assistance and guidance, I am encouraged to stand on what I once ignored. I’m not worried about anyone letting me down anymore. It no longer bothers or stresses me. I don’t care how someone else feels. I do care how it would affect me, my kids, you, and our lives. The only opinion that matters to me now is yours, and I never want to let you down.

The life that we’re building is every bit of amazing. The way I can be completely myself without the thought of thinking that you’re going to let me down too. There is no doubt in my mind that makes me question that you’re going to. I know in my heart that you never will.

In just a short period of time, you have become my safe place. Whenever I need room to fall apart and breakdown, I can always count on you to be there helping me put every piece back together. You have already been showing me that it won’t ever change.

I know that I could be too much at times. I know that I have baggage. But God allowed me to find you at the perfect time. He knew I needed you before I knew myself.

I’m looking forward to what the future has to offer, and no matter what happens, I know that I will always have you.