Surviving Sexual Trauma Part 1
A Series of My Never Ending Survival of Trauma
What is the biggest secret you have ever kept? What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? You may think that it is something terrible, something horrible. Maybe it is, or maybe it is only for that moment and that it will get better for you. That your big secret isn't so big and that the worst thing to ever happen to you really isn't so bad upon looking at the big picture.
Or maybe you are a lot like me. Maybe you you have suffered something like me. Something so traumatizing that it will affects your life and everything you do forever. I have lived my life with more trauma than I can ever imagine for anyone. I often feel damaged and as if I am literally carry the world on my shoulders and that nothing will lift it.
I am the youngest and only girl of three children. I have two older brothers; brother 1 is 7 years older than me, brother 2 is 5 years older than me.
The story I am about to tell is awfully personal and of my own recollection and memories. It is not a full account of the facts for every story has three sides; his side, her side, and the truth. Between his side and her side, there are a few facts. At least, as long as both people remember what happened. Unfortunately, the only side of the story that exists outside of the truth, is my side. The story I am about to tell happened between me and one of my brothers.
When I was six years old brother 2 and I were coming home from school. He was in the sixth grade, I was in the first grade. It was a nice day, bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. I don't know fully why this happened to me or what instigated my brother to do this, but it happened. We were home alone for a couple of hours. Normally we would just come straight home and do our homework. This time was different. He took me to his room. I still remember the brown rug on his bedroom floor, the itchy brown rug that is still there to this day.
My brother told me to take my pants and underwear off and he did the same. I don't know why I did it. Maybe because he was my brother and I always knew he would never hurt me. I did everything he told me to do, including spreading my legs. He got in between my legs and pressed his penis inside of me. I remember saying "Stop, stop please, it hurts it hurts." I don't know how long he kept trying to push himself inside me but eventually he did stop. Afterwards he told me to put a pencil inside of me to try and stretch me out.
Before anything else could happen, my father and brother 1 came home from some appointment or something and brother 2 told me to stop. He told me to tell no one. And I didn't. I kept it secret and went on to do what I normally do, living my life and acting as if nothing ever happened.
I tried to forget it. I tried not to remember, may have buried in it me for many many years. It still haunts me. Still bothers me. My brother and I may never ever have a good relationship because of it. He says he doesn't remember it, maybe he doesn't. But the point is he doesn't show remorse about it. He doesn't seem to care about the fact that what he has done to me scared me for life. I lost my virginity to my brother.
I told this story not because I want sympathy, or because I am trying to get anyone in trouble. I tell this story because for many years I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one abused by a sibling, forced to have sex with them, even if my experience was minuscule in the retrospect of others experiences. I am sure I will never be able to forgive him and one day, many years after my parents are gone, I may never speak to him again. I know that is a long way down the road but it is a reality.
I tell this story because I don't want anyone else to feel alone in their trauma. I want people to know that no one is alone and that we aren't victims. We are survivors. You will survive and we will help each other by admitting our past and trying each day to move forward.
And parents, if your child ever comes to you with a story like this, even if you know it is fake, investigate it! Talk to your children, find out all the facts because you won't want them estranged, and if they become estranged then you will at least know you would have done everything you can to prevent it.