Sex! Myths And Mighty Voices

The above post cropped up in my Facebook memories and is something I will always re-share when I see it. I feel it carries a succinctness that eludes me in my writing and it has the sharpness of the barbed wire messages instilled in women from the beginning. Virginity is both something considered pure, something that you should give away , something the age you first got laid being competitive and something to be judged on if it happens in later life or even not at all.

How you’re viewed post pre and post changes dramatically, how many times you do it, how kinky you are in the act, are fields you can be commended on or vilified for. The question we need to ask ourselves is why is this part of us up for debate, perpetuated, controlled? This damaging concept, the weight of others judgement and expectations is so damn black and white instead of the multi-faceted and highly subjective matter full of nuances matter that it is.

When I shared this post without comment, a guy I only know online but who seems pretty sound commented saying this was funny but it’s true. I was taken aback by his interpretation of this. I replied diplomatically that it’s less funny when your worth is determined by how many times you spread your legs, but I admired its subtle wit which gets a weighty point across. I wondered how something so problematic, a burden placed on women to carry, a heavy load hanging on us as we try to navigate our pleasure which should be entirely a freedom, another way to exercise control, could be seen as humorous. I questioned myself, maybe I was taking it too seriously, not laughing because I’m not ready to see it as a joke rather than it being something that’s not funny.

Then I stopped myself and realised that even though some guys are super cool, really progressive, supportive and genuinely empathetic without a misogynistic bone in their body, still some messages aren’t getting through.

I’ve been a passionate feminist since I was a teenager, devouring the classics, seeing myself and my life experiences as I got lost in the pages. I got inspired by Germaine Greer’s ‘The Female Eunoch’, Mary Wollstonecraft’s ‘A Vindication Of The Rights Of Women’, Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s ‘The Yellow Wallpaper’, and many other both classic and modern feminist iconic literature. They shaped the cornerstones of my beliefs, and gave the tools to form my own opinions. I didn’t agree with all factions of feminism, we now have the term ‘terfs’ that didn’t exist at the time I first came across and vehemently disagreed with those ideas. When writing my thesis on the relationship between porn and media, I outright rejected the campaign that “porn is the theory and rape is the practice”, and some of the ethically bankrupt studies done trying to back up those claims.

I believe in harnessing female pleasure, being okay with yourself whether libido is high or non-existent. I’m thankfully surrounded by women and drag artists, who do fabulous burlesque, fetish and boudoir pin-up perfection shoots, celebratory displays of their glorious flesh – as ownership not as objectification. I firmly attest that the embracing of or rejecting of our sexual sides are in our hands, (wink wink pun intended), and that there’s a power often denied to us that we can own be that regulating riding rings around ourselves, or not feeling pleasure at all. Sex isn’t easy for a lot of people, be that a medical or traumatic reason, and it is a-Okay if you don’t feel like doing it at all. Your body is yours and who and what you allow to enter it is a choice that should be free of shame. It does not change who you are and is simply a side of yourself that is irrelevant to your value even if society bombards us with messages that it’s the ultimate conquest and aspiration placed on us. Hetro, same sex, self induced, vibrators, pleasurable or painful, a life-long intact hymen – whatever, whenever, wherever, however, or maybe never – it’s not who you are and does not define you.

I was fortunate enough to go to college and get my degree in sociology and anthropology. It was an opportunity that allowed me to extend my beliefs and expand my mind. I was exposed to and I enlightened by theories that nurtured my feminist ideals amongst many things that at the time were not at the time accessible to everyone. Social media has MANY bad sides, but it has been instrumental in getting messages out into the public discourse from the lecture halls and activist groups literature into the public discourse to the point where having the conversations are unavoidable. It can unfortunately heighten reactionary prejudices, but no longer listening to the loaded messages is both inexplicable and inexcusable. I extend that beyond women’s rights but to all marginalised groups and communities too.

The pendulum tends to swing, at times dramatically, with many factors such as economic, social, media messages, and other personal struggles determining our outlooks. I place a great credit on the move we’ve seen only in the last four decades or so from moving away solely from discussing political and civil rights to include identity politics in our cultural analysis which shapes laws and liberties. Sadly the more we speak about equal rights, the more people shout about it meaning less rights for them.

Personally I don’t think that social media has necessarily made things more polarised. Some struggles and have always been, and sadly may always be , but the more we speak up the greater the possibilities we have of breaking the generational curses. When we look at say the long term inequalities of people of colour, territorial and religious wars, the persecution of the LGBTQ+ community, and others oppressed for whatever cruel reasons, hate, blame and power plays have perpetually dogged humanity. There is an Irish programme I highly recommend called ‘Reeling In The Years’ which from the sixties onwards shows significant moments in time, politics and culture, which accurately and poignantly shows that it’s not a case of history repeating itself but that the issues we see have never gone away. In some cases we see progress never imagined, but while we can change laws and grant rights, the last and often hardest thing to change is attitudes.

I was social media avoidant for many years and even now am a very basic consumer of it, rarely putting up anything personal or buying into drama. I think though that it has been an amazing platform for ingraining diverse voices into the zeitgeist. Even though each generation thinks it’s more knowledgeable than the one that went before, and the younger ones are sometimes belittled by the elders, I greatly admire those who are refusing to be fucked up by the things the ones who went before are. I love that people are speaking up, diverse voices getting out there, topics and trends from across the globe reaching us beyond what we were ever capable of learning about. I may not agree with or even understand everything I see which has always been the case, but it is absolutely worth at least listening to what people are sometimes tentatively, sometimes screaming about before we make up our minds.