Selfies, Fat, Sweat and Tears

[Please excuse the number of selfies in this — I’m trying to demonstrate a point]

When I turned 30 something crazy happened — my twenties had been wrought with insecurities surrounding how I looked, my teens even more so but suddenly I didn’t really care anymore. In fact, when I looked back on my twenties and earlier, from my thirties I wondered why I was bothered at all — I wasn’t half as bad as I was led to believe, or more importantly, had come to believe. In fairness, I didn’t regularly start wearing make-up till I was 25 and had no actual skin routine till I was even older than that. When I look back though, I can see how outside influences had an impact on me when I was gullible and naïve and how I gave other peoples’ opinions much more value than they were worth. And now I dress whatever way I want, covered in tattoos and giving way less of I shit about it… or so I thought…

Firstly I’d like to clarify, in a rough sense, how I actually feel about myself. I do not consider myself physically attractive at all but I don’t consider that that is how you actually measure a person’s worth. I have an endless list of things that I consider serious imperfections and a shrinking list of features that I like (as my bones slowly turn to dust). I am used to my appearance being commented on in a negative way, by both men and women, and I know that most of the time that someone is mildly interested in me has to do with my massive boobs. I am not arrogant despite my millions of selfies and these are not a sign of insecurity either — I just like taking pictures. In saying that, on some days when I’m in a good mood I can look in the mirror and go ‘I’ve seen worse’. I am not saying anywhere here that I think I’m awesome. I’m just saying the way I look at myself and those around me has changed.

It was said in passing to me the other day that I should consider a diet because I will be a bridesmaid in a few months. Actually, the word ‘fat’ was used. I really thought that I was over caring about this but I did. My weight has always fluctuated loads. I spent my late teens and early twenties on diets/starving myself/taking laxatives/exercising excessively but thinking about that that was more to do with attempting to control myself more than my weight (and it has totally had a negative impact on my guts). I have jumped from nine stone to 13 stone and then down to 8 and back again. I have had a big child who obviously had an impact on my shape. What bothers me so much about this is that people feel they have the right to throw in unsolicited advice about your weight or appearance. I have never asked anybody if they thought I was fat, yet constantly people told me I was. The other day I was taken aback, mostly because I’m not really even that big — a 16 on the bottom and a 14 on the top — but also because it was just not what I needed. I thought people had moved on from this. Why do people feel it is so important to be so mean? It’s not cruel to be kind. It’s telling me that my only value is in my appearance.

When someone walks up to you and comments on your appearance they are often trying to assert control or dominance over you. For example, you rarely see men compliment each other physically — but it should happen more. Girls are taught (and don’t yawn because I mention this through my experience which is tinged with a feminist perspective) that their main value is physical attractiveness and that catcalling should be seen as flattering and not intimidation. Seriously though, how much do you care what a complete stranger thinks of your body. And weirdly a lot of the time these compliments and insults come from people who, if we’re going to be mean here, wouldn’t be winning any beauty pageants. Also, in my experience a lot of the time that guys (particularly some) have slagged me off physically it has been in some effort to control me and the relationship, whilst also masking their own insecurities.

I could sit here all day and list off all the things that I am physically unhappy with but that would be morose and boring and self-indulgent. I have made efforts to change lots of these things but ultimately have moved on from being so self-conscious. I guess I act like I am confident about myself as opposed to actually being that way. I have things to be confident about and that’s what I have always focused on. I know my own strengths and weaknesses. I dress the way I want to make myself comfortable (which unfortunately as described in previous blogs means not having my boobs out most of the time because of the unwanted attention that they often attract) and put on make- up to make myself feel nice — not to impress anyone else. I ignore what I don’t like about myself and cannot be changed and hope that nobody else will notice it, or worse yet, bring it up. So I guess that was why I was a bit upset about the idea of someone calling me fat. You can slag someone off for how they look, but in reality, you are not really providing them with information that they aren’t already aware of.

I really thought I was over caring about it. I mean I’ve done naked photo shoots (tasteful obviously) and have no issues removing my clothes in general. When I was younger I would never have thought I’d have the proverbial balls to do that. They were never meant in a vain way — or to provoke some kind of sexual response in people. They were always about me reclaiming how I felt about myself and for a while I felt OK about myself. But every now and then there is a little crappy reminder that I really am not anything to look at and I just have to pull myself up onto my intellectual high horse and tell myself that that is society’s loss not mine. So for the most part I don’t care. I have detached myself from caring but at the same time, I still feel that there is pressure on me to be something that I can’t and will always be reminded of it.

I also would like to point out that I do not dislike people who are pretty or attractive, or think that they are lacking in some other aspect of their lives. Power to them. They have no control over it really… Unless they spend hours looking after themselves in ways I couldn’t be bothered with. If they however act like they are simply entitled to things because of it or act like they know they are the shizzle, based on the arbitrary game of luck of pulling genes out of the old gene pool, well then they can go fuck themselves.

However, essentially, what I am trying to say here is that people should really think before they talk. There is no reason to say something negative to someone about their appearance. And if you think someone needs to hear it then you have to question why you have to say it, don’t ya? And also, if you see taking more selfies it’s not me being vain, it’s me changing my hair or makeup, not looking for validation but simply thinking I took a good photo this time.

I know I’m not hot like but you don’t need to remind me because there are more important things than that, yeah? When someone walks up to you and comments on your appearance they are often trying to assert control or dominance over you. For example, you rarely see men compliment each other physically — but it should happen more. Girls are taught (and don’t yawn because I mention this through my experience which is tinged with a feminist perspective) that their main value is physical attractiveness and that catcalling should be seen as flattering and not intimidation. Seriously though, how much do you care what a complete stranger thinks of your body. And weirdly a lot of the time these compliments and insults come from people who, if we’re going to be mean here, wouldn’t be winning any beauty pageants. Also, in my experience a lot of the time that guys (particularly some) have slagged me off physically it has been in some effort to control me and the relationship, whilst also masking their own insecurities.

I could sit here all day and list off all the things that I am physically unhappy with but that would be morose and boring and self-indulgent. I have made efforts to change lots of these things but ultimately have moved on from being so self-conscious. I guess I act like I am confident about myself as opposed to actually being that way. I have things to be confident about and that’s what I have always focused on. I know my own strengths and weaknesses. I dress the way I want to make myself comfortable (which unfortunately as described in previous blogs means not having my boobs out most of the time because of the unwanted attention that they often attract) and put on make up to make myself feel nice — not to impress anyone else. I ignore what I don’t like about myself and cannot be changed and hope that nobody else will notice it, or worse yet, bring it up. So I guess that was why I was a bit upset about the idea of someone calling me fat. You can slag someone off for how they look, but in reality, you are not really providing them with information that they aren’t already aware of.

I really thought I was over caring about it. I mean I’ve done naked photo shoots (tasteful obviously) and have no issues removing my clothes in general. When I was younger I would never have thought I’d have the proverbial balls to do that. They were never meant in a vain way — or to provoke some kind of sexual response in people. They were always about me reclaiming how I felt about myself and for a while I felt OK about myself. But every now and then there is a little crappy reminder that I really am not anything to look at and I just have to pull myself up onto my intellectual high horse and tell myself that that is society’s loss not mine. So for the most part I don’t care. I have detached myself from caring but at the same time I still feel that there is pressure on me to be something that I can’t and will always be reminded of it.

I also would like to point out that I do not dislike people who are pretty or attractive, or think that they are lacking in some other aspect of their lives. Power to them. They have no control over it really… Unless they spend hours looking after themselves in ways I couldn’t be bothered with. If they however act like they are simply entitled to things because of it or act like they know they are the shizzle, based on the arbitrary game of luck of pulling genes out of the old gene pool, well then they can go fuck themselves.

However, essentially, what I am trying to say here is that people should really think before they talk. There is no reason to say something negative to someone about their appearance. And if you think someone needs to hear it then you have to question why you have to say it, don’t ya? And also, if you see taking more selfies it’s not me being vain, it’s me changing my hair or makeup, not looking for validation but simply thinking I took a good photo this time.

I know I’m not hot like but you don’t need to remind me because there are more important things than that, yeah?