Prompt #4

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU HAVE HAD TO UNLEARN?

In January 2022, I felt as though I needed to go on a journey of self-healing. After having gone through 2 of the most difficult years with covid restrictions, a massive amount of uncertanties, and being isolated from life as we knew it- I felt as though, it would be a good time to get in touch with myself.

I knew that the journey would be difficult but I felt anxiously curious about moving forward through what I felt like was holding me back from stepping into my best life. I had researched the best authors, I ordered the books, and I was prepared to dive deep into the depths of my inner self.

What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that everything that I had been holding on to for years would come erupting out of me at a pace that I couldn't keep up with on my own. I was planning for a molasses type of extraction, not an old glory moment. So- I started therapy in March of 2022 to help me along on my journey in a healthy way.

When I think about what it takes to be healthy, I would generally say that to be healthy involves eating healthy, being active, having routine follow ups with your primary care physicians. Had you asked me a handful of years ago my thoughts on seeking help through medication or therapy, I would have told you that antidepressants and therapy sessions would be met with shame.

I grew up in an environment where mental health was never discussed. Mood disorders were not true medical diagnosis and just a way to garner attention. I was told that I was just being too dramatic, overally emotional, too difficult to handle, or exaggerating any situation that was uncomfortable or caused conflict. When I decided to get myself help through therapy and medications, I felt like I couldn't even admit it to those closest to me. I couldn't tell those individuals because I felt as though I would be seen as someone just wanting attention or that I was being overdramatic. But there is something to be said when you can't get yourself up out of bed or wish yourself dead because life would have to be easier.

Although, I struggled with accepting therapy and medication as helpful tools to help me through some pretty severe trauma- I lept off the edge of self healing, not off the 6th story roof of my work building, by getting to a point of where I can understand the points of my life where it has created pivots of major transitions causing trauma. Being able to ask the hard questions and gather coping techniques to work through difficult moments, has allowed me to open up a little more to self acceptance. Understanding that what I have gone through has caused my body, mind, and soul to react the same way it initially reacted to the first moment of trauma.

1. Being alone is the same as lonely. I always viewed alone/loneliness as a ripple effect from abandonment. So I am learning that silence is not a punishment.

2. People's expectation of me is my responsibility. In my life, I have always felt the weight of responsibility. As a young child, in certain moments, I felt as though I needed to be the protector, caretaker, giver, supporter. When those expectations that others had for me were not met to their standards, I began to feel less than, uncapable, not good enough. My place in this world became hinged on the image of where my expectation fell in others' opinions of what I was capable of. Specific moments hit me the hardest when the disapproval comes from those closest to me. For example, my father was alwasy more adamant to help my sister get a job with his connections because she graduated college and has a degree to show for it. I have 20+ years of customer service experience and longevity to back up just a few reasons why I would be a great candidate anywhere. Yet, I will never amount to more than someone who will always be less qualified. If I do not handle life's trials and tribulations the way that someone else would, then I am immediately failing. I am trying to learn that my road is the road less taken. That just because my life doesn't look like someone else's doesn't mean that I have fallen short.

3. Believing my self worth depends on the value others place on who I am. Even as an adult, I still struggle with not being everything to everyone. However, each day I am trying to find new ways to remind myself that who I am should have no bearing on the thoughts/feelings/expectations of others. So I am trying to rediscover who I am. The person who stands above the clouds of expectation.