Pain Into Power

Yesterday for a few short hours, my world fell apart. I ended up being that girl I swore to myself I would never be again. The victim! The mentality I worked so hard to rid myself of crept back in. I say crept, it was more like a tornado, ripping through me. Twisting my mind, tearing my heart out and crushing my soul for being in its path. I know what you're thinking, what could have happened to me for such an extreme reaction? He did. The narcissist. That pure and evil soul that set out to destroy me. I wont lie to you or myself, he very nearly did. But by morning my pain became my power. Allow me to explain.

As strong as I am, I still fear this evil entity of a man. I’ll make it clear now, this man has never put his hands on me, he never needed to. He is clever, he has this ability to manipulate a mind. Just like any man or woman who has been in this situation, I never thought it could happen to me. I’m far to strong minded, I can see the games before they are played. Well it can happen to the best of us. It happened to me and quicker than I could even make sense of. In all honesty, I don’t even know how I got there but I did. Broken, abused, and scared. A mental and emotional wreckage.

I’m a humanist. If you don’t know what this is, it means I choose to see the good in people. I want to believe that people can change. F.Y.I a narcissist can’t change, throughout psychology this is a tried and tested theory again and again. But the humanist and genuine kind hearted person I am, I tried my best to see through the bullshit, to see the man behind the mask. The moment I realised that the mask, is exactly that. The man behind it was always showing me who he really was, I just chose not to see. I chose to believe he could change. Just like a chameleon this man has many colours whilst he is trying to hide who he really is, as soon as he doesn’t get his own way BOOM! He is back to his natural colour and reeking havoc all over the place.

As the father of my child, I always made a point of supporting him. Regardless of what he put me through, he gave me my son right? I owed him that didn’t I? WRONG! I owe him nothing, I hit this realisation yesterday. While he’s telling me how emotionally and mentally unwell he is, how much he needs me, only I can understand him. Only I can take the pain away... So me being me, what do I do? Aww you poor thing, giving him my full emotional support. The whole time lulling me into a false sense of security. Again allowing me to build him up before he tears me apart.

“There is something you need to know.”- him

“This will end our friendship.”-him

My heart sank into my stomach, I knew exactly what was coming.

“I’ve been there.”-him

He meant her. He is having a relationship with the woman he had an affair with. The woman he denied his son to. The wardrobe girl, the hide and seek champion of 2015!

Just like that tornado! A million thoughts whirled through my mind. My heart broke all over again. Not because I still love this man, I don’t! As a humanist and empath, I have this talent and curse of putting myself in other people's shoes. I feel things deeply or not at all. I love people with all I have but once you turn me cold, you won't ever warm me up again. So love for him was never in the equation. But the love I have for my son runs deep, he is my everything. He’s my comfort, he’s that little piece of my heart and soul walking around on the outside.

My little piece of heart and soul, now has to be around this "woman," now I use this term loosely for an adulteress. This "woman" had her children taken off her for neglect might I add, for ethical reason I also have to add she has them back now, in the eyes of law and social services she is fit to look after her children once more. HER children, not mine!

So I kicked off, I broke down. I cried and crumbled, screamed it out. Exhausted from what I call mental whiplash. If you don’t understand what I mean by emotional whiplash, its quite simply when a person is being overly nice, to in a flash being an outright, for lack of a better word, cock womble. Initially, I wanted to stop all contact. I was mega stressed and in my feelings, I had to go to bed. A rushed decision is a regretted decision after all.

5am my alarm starts ringing, new day new mindset. I’d calmed down majorly by this point. I considered a lot of factors. The main one, this monster man I had been dealing with has had countless girlfriends in the last 18months, all of which were going to live with him at some point, what did he get from me? No reaction what so ever! Every new woman he mentioned had zero effect on me, again no reaction. He got what he wanted as soon as hide and seek champ was mentioned, I hit the roof. Cha-ching! Right there in that moment he got everything he wanted. He got a reaction. He goaded me all night long, after the ...

“Don’t go giving her shit ever.” He meant either but like my father always says, you cant fix stupid.

I ignored him... you can hear him right, sitting there like well why isn’t she kicking off at me? Why hasn’t she said a single damn thing since? In came the next message.

“Fort I’ll give you a heads up before its to late but she be moving in soon as well so suck it up.”- The lack of education this man has never fails to amaze me. But that’s totally off point.

Again I ignored it. It took all I had to ignore it but I did it. #ProudOfMeMoment.

Second factor, this man quite literally lies out of his arse on a daily basis. I scrolled back through texts and the psychologist inside me fully analysed this bitch. I picked out his slip ups, stepping back gave me a clear view on what this man was doing. He was simply trying to hurt me. He wasn’t in a relationship with her and even if he was, his relationships don’t last. I thought of all the girls that came after me and his reasoning to why they didn’t work out, same as his 4 baby mums, yes that’s it 4! Me being number 4. 1, 2, and 3 were all nutters in his words, all these women were psychos. Me at this point included obviously, it could never be him who was wrong or him who had done wrong. It was me it was us, the girls that wouldn’t sit down and take it. The ones who fought back, the ones who kicked his sorry arse to the kerb.

Third factor, 2 out of 4 sons he has denied being his. When we found out we were pregnant, he instantly started with my second boy isn’t mine, he found the excuses, his reasoning. He went behind the mother's back and done a DNA test. Yeah you guessed, his second child was in fact his. Then came the denial of our child when this affair started, telling anyone who would listen that he wouldn’t be surprised if our boy was born black. Or he can’t be mine the dates don’t add up. Blah blah blah, typical excuses for this kind of human right? So if he was now in fact in a relationship with the hide and seek queen, he now has to keep up all his false pretenses. So me stopping him from having contact would be in theory giving him what he wants. Because if I stop him, he can then start gaslighting again, and I would have made it easy for him.

Fourth factor, this is the woman he had an affair with. At some point he will look at her and all he will see is what he lost. Me! Our family bond! Everything he claims he ever wanted. So my theory is, the blame will shift from me to her. She will become the new vendetta, she will essentially be the new me. Well crack on darling, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So in came my reply: “I won’t give her shit. She’s just as much of a fool for you as I was, can’t blame her for that. But your right this is the end of our friendship. I won't ever be there for you again so please don’t come crying to me ever! Don’t message me unless it's to do with our son. In all honesty yesterday was a shock. But I wish you all happiness in the world. If she makes you happy then good. Something has to eventually. But like I said I’m gone. Whether you two last or not, I’m done. Good luck in life. With all my heart and soul I wish you nothing but happiness.”

You may not agree with the way I approached this. But let's look at the other options and thoughts that I pondered on this morning.

Option one, stop him from having contact with his son, let him take me to court. Starting a full on war, consisting of character deformation. Threats of all nature. If it even made it to court, what would be my argument? The fact she had her children taken for forms of neglect. Like I mentioned earlier, she proved she was capable of looking after HER children. Thrown straight out of court. Second point to argue, this woman was the woman my fiancé had an affair with... can you hear the laughter from the court room? Yeah me to. I would simply be told to get over it wouldn’t I?

Option two, let him crack on with his meaningless, tactical relationship knowing full well it won't last long enough for my son to even remember who she was in the first place. Most importantly, take back my power yet again. Because letting him have that hold over my mentality who was that really going to hurt in the end? ME! And I will not inflict that evil upon myself any longer. Granted, at first this wasn’t my initial reaction as you are fully aware. Like I said a decision rushed is a decision regretted.

I had to remind myself of my strength, the power I had that was sleeping inside of me yesterday. I had to check myself. Remind myself of all the pain this man had ever given me, I turned it into power every fucking time! No matter what he or anyone else has ever done to me, I have always turned pain into power.

He is fuelling my future with every little comment that tears me apart. With every memory and every broken piece of me I ignite that shit and I become the one with power.

In the words of the Script... “take that rage, put it on the page, take the page to the stage blow the roof off the place.”

That’s exactly what I am doing. It is exactly what I will continue to do. Blow the roof off the place! The thing about me is I do not stop until I get exactly what I want, where as people like him will always roll over for whatever is beneficial to them at the time. He will forever look for the next best thing, he will spend life in denial. He will never know real love.

I however, have a family who loves me for me not because they have to. I have friends who genuinely want what I want for me. I have people who cheer me on and cheer me up and I am grateful to these people undoubtedly. You see I started that way, life for me has always been that way. In reality he hasn’t taken a thing from me, he gave me life lessons!

He has nothing and will continue to have nothing because of who he is and how cold his heart is. I am grateful to him for every ounce of pain he has given me. He helped shape who I am today.

I am a warrior, I am love, I am light and most importantly I am power!

#EmpoweredByPain

28/9/18