Love is Part X

“We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.”

- John Lennon

THE LOVEABLE LILY

I’m beautiful. I am delicate . I represent purity and rebirth. I’m in my season to bloom fully. I honestly feel in my core that this is my season to burst open and share with the world who I’m supposed to be!

When no one is watching I am a complete “crazy” person . I have full blown conversations with myself. I dance to music in my head and honestly I can’t dance but that doesn’t stop me because nothing matters.

My shadow side has taught me that all these events in my life have caused me to carry a lot of masculine energy especially in the way I handle my emotions. I choose to embrace this about myself because in the presence of the right man, he wouldn’t know until I transmit it through something else.

I am still healing from childhood wounds. A lot of the people I grew up around only knew what they knew and it caused them to treat or speak to me in ways that damaged me .

My inner child doesn’t have any resentment towards love even after everything I’ve went through in my life. I remained joyful and loving. But because of the trauma I experienced, finding a romantic partner has been harder because I wouldn’t even give people the opportunity to love me. When it came to friendships I’ve always loved being the distant friend. The friend that everyone knows they can call whenever they are in need. I just won’t always be around.

THE SEASON TO BLOOM

My purpose is to be a lamp in this dark world. God wants me to remind people of the goodness that he promised us. He wants me to remind people to have faith. To stay joyful.

I’ve realized over the years that I just love genuine love whether it be in a platonic relationship or romantic relationship. Feeling love returned back to you is one of the best feelings .

When I love, I love hard with all of me. I’d say my love is patient and forgiving. I’ve loved once and when it came to that man, I can say he didn’t deserve my love but maybe he needed it. I would cover his faults even though I knew it would hurt me in the end. I guess I liked feeling needed because it wasn’t until I no longer felt needed that I was able to leave him alone.

I am the most powerful when I’m single because everyday I give 100% of me to myself and I don’t have anyone to lean on but God. A lot of people don’t realize that when we feel weak, that’s when we turn to God. The minute you do is when you’re no longer weak. You become the strongest version of yourself because God is carrying you.

THE SACRED SUPERNOVA

I am Iconic .

I’d like to believe that I’ve always known that I was special. Unique & Rare . Since I was a child, I just had a spark within my being that was easily recognized and acknowledged by those around me. Always ahead of my time .

I’m a rebel with a purpose for a cause . Still, I am in a season of learning the value of community and networking. You can go through this life alone but you absolutely cannot GROW through life alone. I am in the midst of learning how to trust people on a larger scale. How to consider the opinion or perspective of someone else to broaden my own vision . To expand my own mind. You need people. So love the people.

I enjoy creating. My mind is in tune with divine ideas. I like to tell stories so oftentimes I find myself in peculiar experiences and circumstances. I have to live , so I can write more . I have to endure certain things to gain wisdom that needs to be shared. Tests turn into testimonies. Modern day scribes are important . We document history. You should put some respect on our names .

My perception on love has recently shifted drastically. Heartbreak is a pain I’d never wish upon my arch nemesis. I’ve been ripped open , torn apart , tossed aside and dismantled all in the name of love . For the sake of companionship.

It’s interesting how love and/or the lack of reciprocity has a way of shaking you up to wake you up . I don’t regret falling in love . In fact , I congratulate myself in silence because loving someone takes courage. It requires a level of bravery that you didn’t even know existed within you . I conjured up strength, compassion and vulnerability to share myself with someone I thought I wanted to spend my life with .

He could catch bugs with his bare hands mid-air. Impressive. He was strong and precise. Mysterious and secretive. Observant and strategic. Sociopathic and narcissistic . He attempted to dim my light not even realizing that I AM the light. In the darkness I found peace and expanded it. Now I know myself in a more depthful way. I learned how to let go of heartache and headache because it’s all temporary . None of it is destined to stay.

I chose him and I didn’t even try to modify him. I accepted the reality that we just were not crafted to be partners. I found god in the midst of the hell I was spiraling through. I discovered the importance and value of righteous love and pure companionship. I wanted devotion. He wanted to remain bound to licentious behavior . I wanted honesty and transparency. He wasn’t capable of being forthright and honorable.

Only god could revive him . What I truly needed was to remember my value and self-worth. I had to let him go so that I could die to then be reborn. I had to pray for him as an act of loving myself because, as difficult as it is to admit , he was still my reflection. A karmic connection. A grand and epic learned lesson .

After my rebirth , I re-gained my wings. Catch me soaring.

THE REVIVAL

My inner child is purging through and processing ancient rage , sorrow and grief. She forces me to create, dance , express and REST . When I sit with her , I can feel her innocence . Her softness and purity .

I’m opening myself up to more fun and adventure during this chapter of my life. I want to climb trees and learn how to salsa. I want to run barefoot and naked in the sand by the ocean in Kauai. The Lush Island . I want to take my niece to Disneyland so we can stuff our faces with funnel cakes and cotton candy. I am manifesting a life of joy, pleasure and limitless luxury.

I discovered what Love is through a woman. I was a tough cookie back in the day. She was rough around the edges too. For me, she was the softest.

Through her, I was introduced to real intimacy. We could speak to each other in total silence through body language, telepathy and deep eye contact. She had the most beautiful eyes. The deepest soul. The wisest spirit. She was pure. She revealed to me that love can be messy but it’s worth it.

She taught me how to be mindful of my tongue and tone when angered. She showed me the importance of communicating my feelings even when it is difficult. She didn’t try to change me. Instead she strived to understand me.

She considered me. She admired me. She was patient and brutally honest. She showcased to me the importance of crying and diving deep into my heart. She taught me how to feel. She revealed to me that Love is real. That we are all capable of being and experiencing it.

Love is.

THE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY

I am free. Free to be as weird as I like, look how I like, act how I like. I have the freedom to explore every range of every emotion without critique. I am a being relinquished from the gaze and opinions of the outer world. I think that’s why I can’t wait to get home most days. I can’t wait to unmask and appreciate the mess no one else sees.

My shadow has revealed to me that I love myself. Anger and other “dark” emotions is your bodies way of saying “I deserve better.” The feelings rarely act alone and are always paired to protect what you’re actually feeling. (Ex: Fear, Sadness, Embarrassment, etc.) It’s a defense mechanism that has taught me that, despite how I may feel about myself from time to time. I treasure myself. I want the best for myself. So I embrace it.

THE COCOON

I’m taking the time to rest before I act on all I’ve mapped out to become. I understand now that rest is needed to evolve and that without it, we burn out.

The last few weeks have been about me getting kicked while I was down. However, seeds must go under in order for growth to happen. And I welcome that opportunity for change with open arms.

Over the years I’ve acknowledged that my love burns deeper than those that feel it for me. I don’t feel like things always have to end horribly because of this. I’d say I love genuine love. I’ve learned to meet people where they’re at rather than wait for them to catch up to me. There’s always a possibility they never will. That unreal expectation exists to hurt me more than them in the long run.

My inner child …

She’s scared. Love had always been transactional for her growing up. So rather than it being something to bask in and experience, she worries about not living up to her end of the deal or something foiling her great expectations. This has impacted her outlook on life as well. Her voice is heard when she begins to doubt things will get better. Her vision can be very black and white. I’m trying to show her the gray areas we’ve lived through.

Being a sexual assault survivor, no one wants to bring the mood down talking about it. However, there’s not a single woman I know nor a single woman those women know, who hasn’t experienced it in some form or fashion. I think our society is desensitized from how lifelong of a scar it is and just how much time you must devote to trying to feel some semblance of normal.