It took a secret Instagram page...

I like to say that I’m far removed from SU’s current climate of toxicity but with seeing the posts from @speakoutsu and today’s news cycle, I feel compelled to say something. Honestly, it’s triggering.

I went to ‘Cuse in 2010 thinking college was going to be EPIC; I was a bit more sheltered than I’d like to admit so I was ready to “live”. Yes, I knew [thought I knew] about rape-culture and how you shouldn’t leave your drink unattended, never walk alone especially at night, don’t get too drunk at a party, etc. What I didn’t know were the hidden “rules” and “types” of sexual assault, abuse, rape, intimidation/coercion, and slut shaming.

My first encounter was with a person who was part of a fraternity - I was a freshman and he was a senior. I was not attracted to him at all but he was persistent and being my impressionable/naive self, he eventually got me to do anything he asked whether I liked it or not. Yes, I thought I had some status being with him for stupid crap like cutting lines at parties, going to “exclusive” kickbacks, getting rides from South Campus…..like I said....stupid shit. What I didn’t realize was I was being used, especially for access to my group of friends, and eventually, access to my younger friends in years to come. Sexually, I’m not ready to go into detail but needless to say he took his condom off during sex a few times without my knowledge and justified it by saying "They're uncomfortable," and "My pull out game is elite". Later, he gave me Chlamydia along with a few other women he was simultaneously messing with. This interaction was not as extreme and I viewed it as a “situationship” gone wrong and that it was normal for a 22 year old senior to mess with an 18 year old freshman. I thought it was the norm, to have unprotected sex with someone who said they were "clean". It took me years to understand that what he was doing was a complete violation of my health and physical security. I distanced myself from him completely but I am friends with a few of his frat brothers so I see him from time to time. Unfortunately, around my senior year, this same guy came back to ‘Cuse for a fraternity event and sexually violated a very close friend of mine (pretty much a little sister) and he was never held accountable even when confronted by his younger frat brother.

Towards the end of my freshman year, I was late for the last bus to main campus and a friend and I decided to go to an “acquaintance’s” apartment. We were PLASTERED and definitely should’ve walked back to main. I was still a new drinker and I remember asking for water because I had the spins. The “acquaintance” said I could rest in his room and I thought nothing of it. My friend stayed on the couch with his roommate and another friend to watch TV. Soon, the “acquaintance” had entered his room while I was lying there on the bed with my head spinning. I remember him making small talk as he inched his way on to his bed. My mind was thinking “It’s no big deal…this is his apartment….this is his room….relax”. He then got on top of me and started kissing me. I remember allowing it for a moment then asked him to get off. He told me “I got you. I won’t hurt you. I’ll be gentle” while throwing small giggles and shushes in the way of my discomfort. He pulled my pants down and put his penis into my vagina. I remember friction that caused a pain I had never felt before. I was in complete shock. I thought to yell because my friend was less than 40 feet from me but I didn’t because I was afraid of what he would do. I reached up to push him off but like I said, I was still drunk so my strength was nothing compared to the weight of his body. To make it go faster, I turned away from him and stared at the pale blue wall praying for him to finish while repeating my full name over and over again in my head as if to remind myself of my own identity. Once he was done, I waited for him to leave and quickly pulled my pants up and had a manic moment. I screamed into a pillow out of frustration, anger, and fear….”WTF….you just laid there and let him do that to you…..you weak piece of shit…..if you say something, no one will believe you so suck it up and leave”....those were the exact thoughts that ran through my mind. I mustered up the strength to walk swiftly and with conviction. I told my friend the bus was probably on its way so we should leave. I said thank you for the hospitality and left. When we got back to the dorm, I took one of the longest showers of my life. I scrubbed every inch of my body until my skin started to burn. I needed to wash away the fact that I put myself in that predicament. I needed to make myself look and feel “normal”. What made this experience even worse for me was that I saw this “acquaintance” frequently. He would say “hi” to me, sit with us in the dining hall, pre-game with us before events…I couldn't get away. My encounter with him happened ten years ago but three months ago, he sent me an invitation to connect on LinkedIn. He still has no idea what he took from me that night.

A friend of a friend was visiting us in our dorm. He had been around the group before and was always a cool dude. We were all up late and started to head to bed one by one. I don’t remember why this guy didn’t sleep in my friend’s room but he ended up in mine. I had the “any friend of hers is a friend of mine” mentality and allowed him to sleep in my bed with me. [Before judgement is passed: men and women can platonically sleep in the same bed. I had done it before with other guy friends and never felt like I was in danger or violated.] At first, it was fine but I was awakened by his hand being under my shirt rubbing my breast then pinching my nipple. I froze to calculate my next move since my floor was still scarred by an incident that happened some time before [To add more context, a girl on our floor claimed one of our guy friends raped her. She woke us up in the early morning crying and we all rushed to persecute him when in actuality, the claim was false therefore, she lost favor with most of us on the floor]. I was so heated so I counted to ten before I hopped over him and bolted out of my room to knock on our mutual friend’s door. I told her what happened and was in her room for a while to process but the conversation ended with “you need to get him”. As I headed back to my room, he was coming out with a disheveled look. As I passed him, I glared at him as if I was trying to burn a hole straight through his head. I don’t know what he told our mutual friend but I didn’t give a damn: he knew what he did was absolutely filthy.

During my sophomore year, I was messing with a football player. When we were towards the end of our “situationship” he came to my apartment for what I thought was a civilized “its over” conversation. He proceeded to give me a hug then asked for a quick head session. I didn’t comply because I was annoyed he asked in the first place. He then proceeded to yell at me for being a tease and said it was the reason he didn’t want to be involved with me anymore. We argued for a bit then he apologized and hugged me again while pushing down to my knees. I didn’t notice he had backed me into the corner of my room so I had nowhere to go. I was intimidated by his size and the tone in his voice. He asked “So are you going to do it or not because I don’t have time for the bullshit.” I did it; I felt the grip of his hand on the back of my head pushing me back and forth towards him. I got to the point where I resisted by hitting him on his thighs because I couldn't breathe but he continued to push. He finally let go and I just felt disgusted with myself. He sucked his teeth, pulled his pants up, and left me still kneeling on my floor crying.

My final ‘Cuse encounter that I’m willing to share actually didn’t happen on campus but it was at a ‘Cuse frat event. About five years ago, a group of frat brothers had an apartment in New York City together. It felt like a miniature ‘Cuse reunion: the drinks were flowing and the vibes were endless. I was pretty close to two of the residents so one of them let me take his room for the night since he was staying with family. It was late and I was watching TV in bed and one of their older frat brothers bursted into the room. I always had pleasant encounters with him so I wasn’t alarmed. He asked me what I was doing and then the small talk ensued. He got in bed with me and put his head on my shoulder. Like I said, I deemed him harmless and thought nothing of it PLUS I knew he had a longtime girlfriend. What I didn’t expect was for him to reach around my waist, pull me towards him and start kissing me on my neck. I pushed back and asked him “what are you doing?”. He looked at me as if he didn’t understand what I was saying, then let me go, turned over, and proceeded to go to sleep. With not having another place to stay and being fearful of the looks and/or words of judgement that I would receive from the rest of the stragglers in the apartment, I sat up in the bed and stayed up most of the night watching him to make sure he didn’t try anything else. I felt trapped in that room with someone who exhibited the behavior of a wild and unpredictable animal. I can’t lie, I was exhausted so I allowed myself to fall asleep for 30 minutes (I even set a timer). At seven-something in the morning, this guy jumped out of his sleep as if to realize he was not where he was supposed to be and darted out of the room. I had my back turned to him because I was embarrassed to be there with him and once again dreaded walking out of the room because I knew someone would ask me about what they assumed happened between us. What made matters even more alarming was in the space where he slept were two condoms. He had every intention of sleeping with me and I assumed he told other people in the apartment because a girl who was known to be close to that frat “hyped me up” when she saw me the next morning. She didn’t believe me when I told her nothing happened. A few hours later, that same guy came back to the apartment with his girlfriend.

I am a friendly, sexually empowered individual and I am proud of it. This does not mean I can be taken advantage of at any moment. The stories that I’ve told were instances that made me question the power I had over my mind and body. I have let friendships and connections suffer because of the internal struggle I had with accepting that I have sexual trauma. I didn’t realize that some of my anger and hurt was rooted in that trauma. I was also angry and disappointed in my friends who remained friends and/or close to those who hurt me. I didn’t trust them and I didn’t feel like they genuinely had my back. This is why I never said anything because I was sure they wouldn’t believe me/take it seriously or they would tell those perpetrators what I said without my permission. It took years for me to no longer blame myself or my friends. Shit, it took years for me to even admit that I am a survivor. I always downplayed what happened to me because I think about survivors who can no longer walk correctly, no longer have children, who are mentally/emotionally/physically broken, or who are no longer here. Now, I’m at peace with my experiences. My time at ‘Cuse was challenging and I hated who I was on campus. It's crazy how a viral social media page is was forced me to accept my past and who I am today. So probably for the first time ever I say, thank you Instagram.