I want to runaway

When I anonymously surveyed women around the world for their hidden thoughts in 2015, I was not expecting the responses I received: hilarious, confessional, gut-wrenching, eloquent, brutally honest and most definitely raw. Body image, sex, grief, identity and worth were themes of the 35-55 age group as well as many women with the desire to run. Away. Anywhere.

Hidden Thoughts I: Do I Matter? is a one-hour musical blog of the hidden thoughts of women prior to the Me-Too movement. I asked them what they have learned to be brave about and what they would like to be braver about. Music can act as a palette to hear or say difficult things and the sixteen songs oscillate between heart-wrenching and humorous. It's been recorded by ABC Classic FM and will be premiered in a live-performance setting (restrictions pending) in March 2021 on International Women's Day on Melbourne Digital Concert Hall and in May at Canberra International Music Festival.

Setting words to music is one of my favourite activities; especially when those words come from untraditional settings such as people's hidden thoughts which have been freshly harvested. As an artist who uses music to tell stories of heart and courage, finding words amongst the everyday, the unseen and in the negative space of life helps me drill down and focus on the seemingly insignificant. Which I believe, tells us quite a lot about ourselves. I have written music about changing the sheets and hanging out the clothes (The Domestic Sublime by Chris Wallace-Crabbe), bum-cracks, bank fees, doormats and nail polish (Words of Wisdom), bed, coffee, longing, grief, spiders and more. I believe as a composer and artist, I have a role to be a mirror and to reflect back what I see in my world. In these moments of seeming insignificance, there is a humanness which therefore comes with pain, history, hope and vulnerability.

In setting the words of others, there is a very real danger in detracting from the intention of their author. It is right for me to concern myself with adding to and shining light on the sometimes unexposed words. It is always my intention and hope to give further weight and insight into a phrase or thought rather then use someone's words for my own musical agenda. It can simply be in the repetition of a word or syllable or even the tempo or harmony that can twist or amplify the meaning of a text.

The women who wrote to me through the Hidden Thoughts(TM) survey, (sometimes with reams of words) were brave and vulnerable. There's plenty to ponder and draw upon in the other themes another time but for this space, here is Runaway. I noticed in their writings, many women felt taken for granted. Some women said they felt like a shell of themselves; trapped behind a domestic or professional facade that did not express the vitality they had of a previous time. I wanted to acknowledge them and honour the thoughts they had not been able to express elsewhere.

This song/movement was recorded from isolation in 2020, with 12 musicians from all over Australia.

'Runaway' from Hidden Thoughts I: Do I Matter?

I want to runaway, I want to runaway.

Changing my name, jumping on a plane to an unknown destination.

Sometimes my life feels so complex; out of control. Secretly putting my passport into my handbag.

I want to run. My psyche hurts. Run.

I am afraid of being judged.

I am afraid of looking foolish.

My psyche hurts.

I want to run away.

Recorded by members of Syzygy Ensemble, Anna Fraser (soprano), Chloe Lankshear (soprano), Hannah Fraser (alto), Robert McFarlane (tenor), Mark Donnelly (baritone), Andrew O'Connor (bass) with support from City of Melbourne and Faculty of Fine Arts and Music, University of Melbourne.