I Said Yes to the Dress, But No to My Body

When my partner of 7 years at the time (a little over 8 now) proposed to me in October of 2020, I was thrilled. We’d been together a long time, and I had felt deeply early on that he is the person I want to keep waking up next to…indefinitely. He’s a very supportive, kind and loving partner. I feel very lucky to have found each other.

The first couple of days post-engagement, I was immensely happy. We basked in the heightened feelings of love and affection, shared the news with family and friends, and lightly discussed what we might want the actual event to look like.

Then it sank in… “looking good” and feeling good in my body on our wedding day. Dun dun dunnnn.

If you’ve followed some of my other writing about body image you may already be familiar with my journey. Long story short, I had a hormonal contraceptive IUD for a mere 6 months in 2019 (which was also a particularly stressful time in my life for other reasons), and in that 6 months I gained at least 30 pounds and experienced disordered moods. After getting the IUD taken out (good riddance), I was hoping all would go back to normal. Yet, nearly three years later I am still dealing with the consequences—mainly, hormonal imbalance, irregular menstrual cycles, increased PMS symptoms, inability to lose weight, and heightened anxiety and irritability. (An entirely separate post could be written about this experience, but I will just say this: if you are considering getting a hormonal IUD, do your research on the experiences of other women who have already gone through it! It’s not for everyone.)

Weight gain isn’t always unhealthy or a bad thing, and I do believe that people can grow to love and accept their bodies at a larger size (I have made some progress!). However, with this weight being gained in such a short timeframe, along with the other side effects I have been facing, it has been difficult for me to adapt. My default is to reject this body because it feels like it evolved so dramatically overnight.

It’s possible that I will remain this way long-term. It’s also possible that my body will become bigger. What actually frustrates me more is that I’ve been conditioned to fear fat, to reject being in a larger body, and to do everything in my power to shrink myself back down.

Fast forward to almost a year after our engagement. My dress shopping day.

I was an emotional cocktail of fear, anxiety, nervousness, apathy, excitement and happiness. With my mom and two sisters in tow, we visited two bridal shops. At the first one, the staff were more hands-off and allowed us to pick options essentially unattended. Having never shopped for a wedding dress for myself before, I didn’t really have a solid idea of what I wanted. Each family member also had a different idea of what they thought would suit me.

Without the proper professional guidance, at the first appointment I didn’t really pick dresses that looked like they were meant for me. Maybe on the hanger, but on my body was a different story. There was one dress that everyone else loved on me, but I just couldn’t see what they saw. As tears started to form in their eyes, I felt bad as I looked at myself and realized it didn’t do anything for me. I’m still not sure why.

On to the next appointment.

I went into the second shop a little more hopeful, since a close friend of mine had just found her wedding dress there not long ago. We also found our bridesmaid dresses for my sister’s wedding there back in 2015.

The woman who helped guide me through the entire process was amazing. She asked all the right questions and listened intently. She then began walking me through the aisles of gowns and would present specific ones to get a gut reaction from me. I was shocked at how much I was drawn to almost every one she hand-picked, as if in all of five minutes she just got me.

I was nervous that none of the dresses I tried on that day would feel flattering on me. I was surprised that at least a handful of them did. When they were too small and the back of the dress had to be clamped tightly to get a sense of how it would look fitted to my body, I did my best not to let the way it pinched the fat on my back and under my arms bother me.

I think I tried on about 8 dresses at the second shop, and the one that I chose was one of the first few I tried. When I put it back on a second time to be sure, I really did feel beautiful. Yet that annoying, mean voice in the back of my mind was still saying I didn’t look good enough. Thin enough. That come the wedding day, I wouldn’t have a good time because I wouldn’t feel attractive enough.

As my mom and sisters allowed the tears to flow out of their feeling of awe and joy, I held back. Looking back I feel ashamed of myself for not savouring the moment with them. While I expressed happiness outwardly—as we clinked our glasses of sparkling apple juice, and had our pictures taken while I held up the “I said yes to the dress!” sign—it was a restrained happiness. Almost as if I didn’t feel deserving of feeling truly beautiful and good enough in my dress.

Speaking to my sister about the experience months later, when I said I didn’t feel like I truly let myself enjoy the moment due to my body image concerns, she said “I know. I noticed that.” I felt terrible.

As the woman at the shop took my measurements, I appreciated it when she told me to ignore the number that corresponded to my size, indicating that bridal gown sizing is very different from regular clothing sizes. Being in between two sizes, I also opted to size up instead of down for two reasons: 1) It’s easier to take a dress in than to let it out, and 2) It would remove some of the pressure I knew I would feel to become thinner for my next fitting and for the big day.

The pressure to look “perfect” (whatever that even means) on your wedding day is absolutely ridiculous. Yet, here I am getting caught in the same thought pattern and behaviours that many brides-to-be have experienced before me. I want to be better. I want to enjoy this process and feel badass in my dress no matter what. Most importantly, I want to focus on the beautiful relationship that this day is celebrating. It saddens me how big of a distraction physical appearance has already been in this process.

In an article on Toronto.com titled “Wedding weight loss: Survey finds only 18 per cent of brides hit their target weight before the big day,” it says that in the survey, 48% of individuals (brides, grooms, and bridal party members, mostly) “who weren’t successful at losing weight actually stated that it didn’t really impact the way they felt” at the wedding. I truly want to be part of that 48%. I hope that will be the case.

If you become engaged or shop for your dress soon, here is my advice to you:

• Let yourself feel the excitement and happiness. You deserve it.
• Go into the dress shopping experience with an open mind and open heart.
• Be present with the people you are celebrating the moment with, rather than in your head judging yourself. They are happy for you, and you are allowed to be happy for yourself too.

Good luck. ♡