I Feel Like A Woman?

In light of internal ponderings and International Women’s Day, I feel the urge to write about being, well, a woman and a grown-up.

My experience, anyway.

Being a Child

For the four years I was in foster care, my foster mom did everything she could to turn me into a girly girl. 

I don’t remember much, but I know she put me in dresses and skirts and even forced me to have long hair. 

She claimed my mom tried to make me look like a boy, which wasn’t true. I don’t know what caused her to think that, either.

While her efforts stuck for a bit as I gradually returned home, one of the first things I did was get my hair cut.

She was upset, but my mom defended my choice, knowing that’s what I wanted.

Being a Teenager

My late childhood and early teen years were odd.

Moving away from years of being forced to dress like a girly girl during middle school, my hair and clothing styles left plenty of people wondering.

My shirts were baggy since my long waist restricted what sizes I could wear without showing anything at that point. My haircut was a shag-type style — not the best look on me.

So, despite my face looking female, I was often mistaken for a boy, mainly by women. 

Even my best friend thought I was someone’s brother the first time she saw me. And we were at a Girl Scout meeting, meaning I had my junior vest on, so she had no excuse.

***

I eventually started coming into the middle clothing-wise. They weren’t floral prints and pastel pink, but they hugged my curves nicely, so there was no way anyone would mistake me for a boy.

I also ditched the shag haircut for, at first, a bob in ninth grade and then a pixie cut in eleventh grade, along with dyeing it various funky colors.

Being an Adult

It’s still weird to refer to myself as a woman.

While I’m almost twenty-five, I feel younger. Some of that comes from having Social Delay, something that tends to affect people with ADHD. So, this isn’t a new feeling for me.

But it makes it more difficult for me to relate to people around my age.

It doesn’t help that my face looks eighteen, and I often dress for comfort, as a lot of my clothes don’t fit me right now. And doing so hides my more adult curviness, which I’ve also had since middle school.

***

On the other hand, over the past two years, I’ve embraced styling my hair and wearing makeup occasionally. Even if I’m not leaving the house that day.

It makes me feel pretty.

I even tried owning a skirt for a while. It didn’t work out, but I tried. It was a lovely tie-dye, too.

I also had full-color acrylic nails for a while during college, treating them like my hair. I changed the color every two weeks. 

I enjoyed them but eventually got frustrated with them peeling off my real nails, so I ditched them.

People Wondering About My Pronouns

The first time I was asked this was in my Geology class in college. It was the beginning of the quarter, so we had gathered in groups of four to get to know each other better.

Well, one of the girls asked me what my pronouns were.

It shocked me as no one asked me that before. Of course, I replied with she/her, as that was and is true.

I have also been referred to as they/them more than once.

Even my partner, when he first saw my online picture, thought I was a they/them — at least until we met when he realized I was just nerdy.

***

Being thought of or referred to in that way makes me feel weird. Like I can’t just be a more androgynous woman.

We shouldn’t assume anything about anyone.

Why Am I Trying to Embrace My More Feminine Side?

I know I’m not the girliest girl out there, and, for the most part, I’m okay with that.

I’ve always promoted people having options, no matter who they are and the options available.

But people mistaking me for a boy or thinking I’m nonbinary has made me question my femineity rather recently.

And it sucks. 

I don’t intend to change my whole vibe just so people won’t question my gender identity.

At the same time, though, I want to like skirts, dresses, and jewelry other than earrings. Maybe I’ll try having acrylic nails again once I get a Sales Rep job.

I know I’ll find that balance and security with my femineity and feel like I’m an adult.

Eventually.

***

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Subscribe for more content!