When I was young, I was boy crazy, without a doubt.
Ever since I can remember, I've had a crush. My dream was always to be in a relationship where I felt loved.
I can remember my first "relationship" so clearly? It was grade six, and his name was Sasha. He was a funny guy, and we got to know each other because we sat beside each other in class.
At the Valentine's dance, Sasha asked me to dance three times. I was going to ask him to dance again, but the dance ended before I could.
The next day, Sasha went on vacation. I wanted him to come back so badly, because I was asking one of our mutual friends to talk to him and tell him to ask me out. Once he did come back, she talked to him and he asked me out.
In elementary school, when someone asks you out, you immediately become boyfriend and girlfriend. So there I was with my first boyfriend, and I felt so happy. We never kissed, only hugged and held hands.
The relationship didn't last long and we broke up soon after we started dating. From what I can remember, it was me who broke up with him, and I did it on top of a snow hill.
When I got to high school, I had no knowledge of how dating worked. I figured it was the same as elementary school, where once you asked someone out, you would just immediately become boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, I was naive.
I asked out so many guys without ever really talking to them first. That was my M.O. I would admire from afar, and then randomly ask them out. Of course, they always said no.
I wish someone would have told me a little bit more about how dating worked. Maybe I wouldn't have embarrassed myself so many times. One time someone asked me out on the bus, but I knew that they were just making fun of me, so I said no and turned back around.
But maybe all of these rejections weren't the worst thing. As I left high school and went on to university and further, I dated more and more. I asked out many, many guys. I actually went on quite a few dates. But I always got rejected at the end of the day.
I only had two serious relationships before meeting my current partner, and both of them were less than a year.
I knew something about me was too much for most people. I knew that I was always in your face, I knew that I was loud, and I knew that I would always be the one to make the first move. That was just who I am. It was who I had shaped myself out to be, amidst the countless rejections that I had received in my life.
When I met my current partner, Patrick, I didn't know if we would work. I was loud, he was quiet. I was experienced in dating, he was new to dating. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he would think I was too much. Just like all of the other guys that I had dated before him thought. Maybe he would think I was intimidating.
But Patrick loves me for who I am, every part of me.
I'm not afraid to say that I have a lot of say in our relationship, and I don't think that he would have it any other way. I'm loud. I'm messy. I'm too much. I'm chaotic. But I make it look like beauty. I make it look like freedom. I make it look like confidence.
Because Patrick wasn't as experienced with dating as I was when we first met, I made the first move. I was the one who initiated our first kiss, and most of our first steps after that. I'm not embarrassed by it. I'm empowered by it.
I know that my partner wouldn't have me any other way, and I wouldn't want to be any other way.
All of the rejections that I received helped me realize that it was okay to be sad sometimes. It was okay to feel broken. But it's all about how you carry on and move forward. Will you do it with a smile and some brand new confidence, or let it break you down even further?
When I was young, I thought that if a boy didn't like me, that's it. It's the end of the world. No one loves me and no one ever will.
I learned through time that if someone doesn't like you, it's truly their own loss. You are a magical being, raised through thunder and lightning, able to conquer storms and bring enemies to their knees.
Embrace all of the parts of you that people reject. Love those parts of yourself. Nurture those parts of yourself. Don't neglect them. Those are the parts that your future partner will love the most about you. I know it's cliché, but it's cliché because it's true.
Patrick never thinks I'm being too loud or too much, or that I have too much confidence, or that I'm chaotic in the way that I speak, or that I have a heavy presence.
Patrick loves that I'm not afraid to say what I want to say, that I'm so alive, that I love myself enough to smile at her in the mirror, that I have so much passion sometimes that I have a hard time describing things, and that my energy is so big that it can fill up the room.
If I had to say, I'd say that those really are the things that he loves most about me.
Embrace your messiness. The ones who truly love you will love you for it.
About the Creator
Currently in my bad bitch era.
Online authenticity coach and tarot guide, here to help you become the most genuine version of yourself online.
Unleash your inner magic with me and own your unique journey!