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How to Support a Friend Who Left an Abuser

It's not always easy to support a friend who left an abuser, but it's the right thing to do.

By Sasha KonikovoPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Your friend has just gone through a lot of things. You knew; you saw the warning signs. You knew he was bad for her—even if you couldn't quite prove it.

Her abuser got her to isolate herself from you. He hurt her, he twisted her mind, and finally, she realized that it was unhealthy for her to stay. Now, she decided to leave and she's trying to pick up the pieces.

She reached out to you, and you know you want to help. But, how do you support a friend who left an abuser? Speaking as someone who's lived through both sides, these are some of the better things you can do to help her out.

Help her get back on her own two feet.

Photo by Wei Ding

If there's one thing abusers are good at, it's preventing their victims from leaving by cutting out their ability to support themselves alone. This is why one of the best ways to support a friend who left an abuser is to help her get her money straight.

Offer her a place to stay, help her find a job, or even just offer up a hot meal for her when she needs one. These little things can make a world of difference for her—and can even be the driving factor to convince her to stay away from him.

The more you empower her, the better the chances are for her to stay.

Listen to her, don't judge.

The reason why a lot of victims return to their abusers is because they worry that they can't get any better. They feel cornered, and to a point, they also feel like everyone hates them because of what they may have done during that relationship.

By offering support via an open ear and a nonjudgemental attitude, you make her feel safe. It can help her learn what a person has learned by leaving their abuser, and come to terms with what happened. This may just be the encouragement she needs to help her ask for help when she needs it.

Keep her location secret.

The worst possible thing you can do for an abuse victim who has an ex that is violent is make it easy for him to find her. So, if anyone asks where she is, don't say a word. Help her keep a low profile.

If it's really worrisome, then you may want to refer her to a women's shelter. They are more well-equipped to deal with violent exes than the norm.

Hang out with her and keep her company.

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy

The thing about sexually abused friends and family members is that their most vulnerable time is when they just left their abuser, primarily because they feel alone. It's not a normal loneliness, either. It's a kind of loneliness that makes you crave someone—anyone—to tell you that it's okay.

Your friend needs you now, more than you would know. Companionship really helps you get a level of normalcy that otherwise didn't exist in her life for a while. So help her establish a new normal by hanging out with her, keeping her loneliness at bay as much as you are capable of.

Keep the truth about the abuse private unless she says so.

It's really embarrassing to admit that you've been abused, and that's actually why many victims stay. Your friend may or may not have come to terms with it—and even if she did, it may not be the time for her to talk about it quite yet.

Don't be the person who says things about her ex. It can and will put her in a spotlight she doesn't want to be in. Let her decide when to talk about the abusive relationship, and let her do it on her own terms.

Show her you care.

Abuse victims will often have their self-esteem in the dirt after the breakup, even if they were the ones to walk away. They want to know that people care, and that can be hard to believe when it first happens.

Show your friend you care, and encourage her to take up some healthy habits. The more she gets into self-care, the faster she will recover and break free of his harm.

Let her choose when she opens up about the ex, and don't be the one who trash-talks the ex.

Photo by Anh Nguyen

Most people who are trying to support a friend who left an abuser (rightfully) want to trash-talk the jerk. They will also want to encourage their friend to talk and say he's awful too.

The thing is, this isn't always the right way to do things. Some people will balk and start defending the abuser—and may even return to him. Others may feel cornered by all the people asking them to talk before they're ready and clam up.

It's best to tell them you're there and that they can chat when ready. Then, don't trash the abuser; use neutral language and let them come to their own conclusions so that they work through the abusive relationship in a more natural way.

Offer to help them get professional assistance.

As much as you want to help your friend out and be the one person to help them break free from their situation, this isn't always feasible. Abuse leaves serious emotional scars, and often requires professional therapy to fully overcome.

Your friend may need to get medical attention for physical abuse, or may need to file a report with the authorities. It's a good idea to encourage her to get the help she needs.

Offer to help teach them about healthy relationships.

Sometimes, the aftermath of abuse can be so pervasive that the victim may not know what a healthy relationship is like anymore. This is especially true with gaslighting victims and people who have been with their abusers for years.

If your friend is at a loss when it comes to figuring out warning signs of abuse, or if they just don't seem to know how to handle life anymore, offer advice. They will usually take you up on it.

Finally, respect them.

Photo by Hanna Postova

When you're trying to support a friend who left an abuser, it's tempting to go into "parent mode" and ignore what they ask you to do. Tempting as it is, it's one of the worst possible things you can do when you're trying to help them.

They are an adult. They can make their own decisions and figure out what they need. Listen to them—and remember that it's their life, not yours, to live.

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About the Creator

Sasha Konikovo

Born in the Ukraine and currently a citizen of New York City, Sasha Konikovo has become obsessed with makeup, fashion, and anything that keeps her svelte figure looking sharp. She hopes to marry a billionaire and have a lifestyle like Paris Hilton soon enough.

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  • Lahori Lady2 years ago

    Good points!

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