He's Not Husband Material, and This Is How We Know

Your wedding is set to be in two weeks. You've spent the past couple of months preparing for the big day. The invitations had gone out. Your dress was ready, the cake and decoration have been booked.

Some of your friends were already congratulating you at work and on social media. Both your families can't wait to be at the wedding. They have told all their friends, and they plan on showing up a week before the wedding.

Then, one night he started with his craziness. You knew the wedding was a big charade, but you wanted to get out of the spinsterhood community. Maybe you are doing it for your son.

You have been living with your baby daddy because you did not want your child growing up without a father.

But his abuse this night had gone beyond what you could handle. Once he turned aggressive, you quickly coil up into your bed.

You are tired of arguing and fighting each other, breaking up back and forth because of his temper. Yet, he doesn't stop when you are silent. It provokes him even more.

He runs off to your son's room, picks him out of his crib, and threatens to leave with him and never come back.

That was when it hit you. Like deja vu, you realize he wasn't the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You realize your son will be in more danger if he grew up with such a beast as a father figure.

You realize it's hopeless living with him for another night. The following day, you packed up and left. Calling off the long-awaited wedding.

That was my friend, let's call her Tara's story. She has been in an abusive relationship for four years. I have tried to convince her to leave the relationship, but she was adamant.

I knew she loved the guy, but he was terrible to her. She deserved better, and I was happy the day she finally ran to me to rescue her.

Many women had had to wait for the last minute before they ended what wasn't meant to last a day. Some do not leave for fear their partner will come after them.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not as easy as we see it from the outside. My ex was too conniving and manipulative, which made me stay with him longer than I should. Tara's ex was more physical with his abuse, and he was the sole financial provider. That's why my friend felt trapped.

While some abused victims may want to leave, others live in denial. They don't see their partner's behavior as dangerous until they are beaten to the point of death.

If you decide to reach out to an abuse victim, do so during a time of calm.

Getting involved when tempers are flaring can put you in danger. Also, make sure to set aside plenty of time in case the victim decides to open up.

Society has done men a disservice

Most of the struggles men face in marriages are because they have been conditioned to contribute to relationships within a certain limit.

Society has taken a different approach to prepare men for fatherhood than preparing women for motherhood.

This approach is not only sexist, but it also robs men of the joy of fatherhood.

From an early age, children are trained to have a purpose. Boys play with toy trucks, building blocks, and science kits, while girls get dolls, kitchen utensils, and dollhouses.

Playing with toy trucks, building blocks, and science games have encouraged men to seek out skills, tasks, and interests that will enable them to care for a family as fathers.

And as such to play a role as providers in times of need. Rather than being caregiver and nurturer, more associated with the female, maternal figure.

Unlike women who are more involved with their children because they are taught to take care of their children from their first doll.

Our unequal and gendered orientation to parenthood expects men to burn out as long as they generate more money for their families. Whereas women must devote all their interests and energies solely to those of their families.

Fortunately, we no longer live in an era where women bow to every injustice thrown at them. Where we are forced to stay silent rather than speak up in public.

Women rising above social expectations has encouraged more women to question the quality of men they choose to marry.

Does he have the qualities of a husband and a father?

Gradually, we are changing the sexist gender structure we grew up in. Today, women are breadwinners caregivers. But men are still stuck as providers.

We must balance family responsibilities to save the future of marriages and common law partnerships.

Since leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, it will be safer to vet any man you wish to enter a long-term partnership with before committing to them. If he has two or more of these signs, you should reconsider your position with him.

What he says is what you must do

Even if a couple has done their due diligence and discussed and agreed on big topics like finances and parenting styles, there should be room in the plans for things to change.

And any healthy relationship requires some flexibility from each partner because change is inevitable.

In order for your relationship to grow and prosper, you and your partner must be able to adapt to the changes, finding your way through the good and the bad together.

If you notice your partner does not change his plans when an emergency arises, don't expect him to do so in marriage with kids or health challenges to deal with.

Always makes excuses for not showing up

Some people ignore this red flag and cover up their partner's selfish attitude. It's not okay if your man allows you to deal with certain situations by yourself.

Life is full of ups and downs. It's important that your partners show up in some of the most difficult experiences, whether that's losing a home, the death of a child, or a sick parent.

If he has the habit of making excuses when you need him to be present the most during courtship, don't ever think he will be any different in marriage. That is who he is and when people show you who they are, believe them.

Does not communicate his expectation clearly

If there is one thing guys are good at, it is leading you on. They will give you mixed signals to avoid making their expectation clear to you.

They will make you believe it is up to you to keep them interested so they won't leave. If you find yourself constantly pleasing your man, chances are you're being played.

If you don't know what to expect from you man now will be the best time to start making a list of 'dos and don'ts.' If you expect him to do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and all other house chores, let him know now you are just dating.

If you notice his flunking his responsibilities regularly, then it's up to you to decide where to go from there. At least, you will be prepared to get the same attitude when you marry him.

Lacks discipline and self-knowledge

There's a mix of people who never explored what they like or need, and there are others who go with what their family thinks is good for them.

These people date those who are appealing to the family and society. Whether this is to fit in or stand out depends on the individual and their life experiences.

If your man doesn't know how to make up his mind on his choices and interest, he will become a pushover by anyone- either friends or family.

To avoid being a victim of emotional neglect, get to know yourself and communicate what you like and don't like.

Let him know how you feel when you need to express yourself and accept that he will probably never change.

Manipulates his way into everything

Compromise can be especially difficult if one or both people are manipulative and selfish.

Not only will one person give more, but the other person will actively do and say things to make s/o feel guilty if they don't sacrifice more in a compromise.

The goal of compromise should be to maintain a healthy relationship while agreeing on common grounds to resolve disagreements.

You shouldn't give up so much in the attempt to compromise that you lose who they are.

If you notice your man does not make sacrifices for the success of the relationship, or you give up more of your values for him, that's a recipe for long-term disaster.

Most women see these signs in their everyday lives, yet they choose to ignore them and still marry the man.

If you want to be respected by your significant other, you must learn to understand them- be in sync with yourself and how they treat you. The energy you feel should be of security and joy. Any negative vibe coming from them should not be disregarded.

This post was published on Medium