Feminist Femininity

After spending two weeks visiting family in small town BC, fishing, 4x4ing, and chopping wood, I’m finally back in the city and confronting a difficult dilemma. How do I indulge and explore my femininity, without abandoning who I am? Can I practice being elegant and sultry and seductive without falling into the trap of believing “the feminine is just about receiving”? Can I have Carrie Bradshaw energy, without freaking out every time I leave the city?

And sure, I want men to throw themselves at my feet, but I don’t think that should be my focus. I don’t think it should be about a belief that I deserve to have everything done for me and given to me. All I really want is to feel comfortable accepting kindness from people; to know that I do deserve nice things; and to feel like a woman, instead of a nervous little girl all the time.

For lack of a less cheesy phrase, I have felt called to explore my femininity for some time now. Despite not exactly identifying with a lot of the so-called “femininity experts” of instagram and tumblr, I can see areas of my life where I have tamped down my feminine energy in an effort to get by. I can imagine how my life would change if I were able to unlearn some of those behaviours.

I was raised by the most independent woman I’ve ever met, and taught that there was nothing more important that being able to take care of myself. I still believe that - but instead of simply valuing my ability to do things on my own, I can see that it's become a constant battle to prove my independence to everyone. I've argued with dates when they insisted on holding the door for me, I've dressed myself down so that no one would mistake me for a girl who is “just pretty”, and I never back down in a debate - even if I don’t really care what it's about. In my relationship now, I constantly feel as if I’m not enough. I’m so concerned that my boyfriend’s friends might look at me and see “just a pretty girl” - and, at the same time, worried they won't find me pretty.

Lately I find myself gravitating towards media that tells me how to be the perfect woman, as if I can learn that via a little square photo on my phone. Of course the worst part is that the content goes one of two ways; either “there is no right way to be a woman”, a concept I agree with at its core, but that does not particularly help me in my quest, or “being a woman is about submission, and having men buy you presents”, a concept that is even less helpful to me than the first one. I can picture the person I want to be, but all the googling in the world does not seem to get me any closer to being her.

I have begrudgingly realized that I will have to do some of my own internal work on this one.

I haven’t got it all figured out yet, but I do have a better idea of my goals, and how my definition of femininity factors into them. I’m not saying everyone has to adhere to these standards, but I’m tired of pretending I don’t want to. I want to be an "it" girl, a “how does she do it??” woman - beautiful hair, great figure, clean nails and cute outfits. Great posture, interesting conversation, infectious laugh. I can be all of those things and still be strong, independent, and ambitious... right?

I’ve always had a really difficult time changing things about myself - for better or for worse, I can’t fight who I am. But this feels different - it feels like a way of embracing a part of myself that I was ashamed of for a long time. Softening myself at times feels right, even if it’s not always easy. And while I can quickly fall into habits like forgoing my makeup and wearing my hair in a messy bun every day, when I can remind myself of who I want to be and shed those habits I feel so much better about everything that I’m doing. Slowly but surely, I’m becoming a better version of myself - and I'm doing it by embracing my femininity.

When I feel myself hardening, acting harsh or pushing too much, I adjust my posture and take a deep breath. I picture the woman I am working towards becoming, and ask myself what she would think about this. Then I act accordingly.

Do you feel like you’ve abandoned your feminine side? Are you conflicted because you don’t want to put rules about “how to be a woman” in place? Do you love your independence, but miss feeling in flow? Someone please tell me I’m not alone here.

I think there is space for all of these conflicting feelings - and the conversation about femininity is not intended to exclude anyone. I just want to reach out to those of you who feel like I do - who are strong, independent feminists but also feel like they’re pushing away a part of themselves. Women who love to work hard, study hard, play hard, and not follow the rules… but who would also like to know how to flirt, look elegant, and have everyone fall in love with them at first sight. There is a place for us! And if there isn’t, we will have to make one.

*pssst, let’s be friends! Join me on instagram at @chrxstinaking