Don't Let Your Assault Destroy Your Soul, Learn from It And Grow

On February 18th, 2020, I turned 32 years old. I love being in my thirties and feel like this is the decade where I will thrive as a young woman.

A lot of people moan and groan about turning thirty since they look at being thirty as being old, but not me.

I couldn’t wait to turn thirty and kiss my rotten twenties goodbye.

You see, everything horrible that happened to me, all happened in my twenties so you can understand why I was more than happy to turn thirty.

My birthday this year marks the tenth anniversary of my sexual assault.

You read that right, I was sexually assaulted on my 22nd birthday, and every birthday that followed sucked.

Like every sexual assault survivor, my assault changed my life.

After being sexually assaulted when I was 22, everything in my life changed.

I developed an eating disorder. I became more depressed and started getting something that I call “February Panic Attacks.”

This is when I would get panic attacks all through February; the name isn’t very witty, but it’s simple and to the point.

Later, the February panic attacks would start in December and wouldn’t stop till March.

My whole attitude shifted to being overly harmful and hateful towards life and people in general.

After going through a traumatic experience such as a sexual assault, you can’t help but ask why.

“Why did this happen to me?” “Why did I get sexually assaulted, and why did it happen on my birthday?”

People who have never been assaulted like to blame assaults on the victim by asking them what they were wearing, or if they were drunk if they were flirting with the perpetrator.

The truth is sexual assaults happen due to entitled fuckboys who don’t like to be told no and won’t take that for an answer.

They feel they are entitled to everything they want and they’re going to get it no matter what.

Don't let your assault destroy your soul, learn from it and grow.

After years of wallowing in depression feeling like I was broken, I decided to look for ways I could learn from my assault.

Everything in life, every situation teaches you a lesson for you to apply to your life going forward.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “what lesson could I possibly learn from being sexually assaulted?”

I’ve thought the same thing and because I was stubborn, I had to force myself to look for a lesson or lessons I could learn from my assault and have it help me grow as a person.

Lessons I’ve learned from my assault that every survivor could learn.

It’s not my/your fault:

The most important lesson that every survivor needs to learn is that your sexual assault is NOT your fault.

You did NOTHING to deserve this, and you were most definitely NOT ASKING FOR IT.

The responsibility lies with the perpetrator and no one else, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Don’t feel bad for saying no:

You should never feel bad for saying no to someone, especially if you’re saying no to the offer of a drink, to dance, or to be intimate.

If the other person gets mad at your rejection and starts pressuring you into changing your mind, that tells you that you made the right decision.

Set your boundaries and let people know your limitations from the very beginning:

Everyone should have limits set up for every situation in life.

When you go to social activities such as the bar or a party, have your boundaries mentally prepared, and once you get there, be sure to let the right people know what your limits are.

I don’t suggest announcing your boundaries the second you walk in.

Still, when the situation arises, for instance, Jacob from Bio class offers to make you a drink with secret ingredients, tell him if you don’t know what’s in it, then you won’t drink it, and that’s a little rule you’ve made for yourself.

No one needs to make you a drink with “secret ingredients,” come on.

Let go of the blame and forgive yourself:

A lot of survivors blame themselves for being sexually assaulted.

They replay the attack over in their heads, looking for ways they could have handled the situation and see what they could have done differently.

That’s fine, but when you do that to blame yourself for what happened to you is not okay.

We all need to let go of the blame and forgive ourselves, it’s not our fault, and we shouldn’t punish ourselves for something that someone else did to us.

It took me a long time to accept these lessons and let myself learn and grow from them, but the more you’re open to allowing the lessons you learned from your sexual assault teach you, the more you’ll improve as a person.

It’s always going to be hard at first since you’re so used to doing and feeling the opposite of these lessons, but it will get easier. Always remember,

the sexual assault was not your fault

don’t feel bad for saying no

set your boundaries and let people know your limits from the very beginning

and let go of the blame and forgive yourself.

Find help, advice, and the resources you need. Call 800.656.HOPE(4673) or visit rainn.org, where you can chat online with a trained staff member who can provide you confidential crisis support.