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Depression After Abortion

and toxicity that leads to it

Depression After Abortion

I had been trying to become pregnant for about 4 months. And my fiancé at the time was not happy. He seemed to always find reasons to argue with me and blame me for not getting pregnant. It had been so quick when I got pregnant with my other two that I just couldn't understand why. I had finally given up to the idea when I started feeling it. All those symptoms the discomfort, all just like before. I took 3 pregnancy tests and there it was. All positive. I told my fiancé, me expecting him to be ecstatic. unfortunately he wasn't. He immediately asked if it was his. He told me he wanted a DNA test immediately. I was hurt. I couldn't understand how after so long of me trying he wasn't happier. That weekend he left to party while I stayed at home with my girls. I knew he had cheated on me before and with him leaving and my hormones all over the place it started to become overwhelming. Well within a couple weeks of that I went in for a check up and they let me know my uterus had sever scaring from before and it was going to be a high risk pregnancy. It started to make me worry. I had two little girls to worry about and their dad wasn't going to step in and care for them. I went online started looking up solutions and all kinds of horrific stories came up. Instead of comfort my fiancé made it hard on me. He was constantly drinking and leaving me. I finally made up my mind and decided i should terminate. I was to afraid to possibly have to die during birth and leave 2/3 babies behind. And when I told my fiancé he went crazy. It was constant fights and him calling me a killer. I asked him to go with me to the appointment. Just to hear it himself from the rd. about my health issues. but no he wouldn't budge. he told me he was through that he was leaving me and wanted nothing to do with me. I wen to the appointment by myself and it was hurting me inside the whole time but I knew i was going to have to go through it alone. The next few days were very difficult for me. Within a couple days he came back and went from being helpful to me to being a jerk and it went back and forth for a few days. I was not cleared for intercourse but he manipulated me into it saying that if I didn't do it he would cheat on me. I gave in. once again the weekend approached and he left me. I ended up with a horrible allergic reaction and landed at the ER just me and my two little girls. I couldn't stay at the hospital for too long because it was during the shutdown and I had both of my girls, one 3 the other 4. I asked to be sent home while the results for the tests came back and I would be back the next morning so that i could find someone to stay with the girls. The next morning I woke up to a worse reaction and my airway closing up. I drove myself to the hospital and immediately got admitted. I was notified by the rd. that the tests came back and I had a horrible uterine infection and that I had contracted chlamydia. I was devastated. I had to be rushed into emergency surgery. I was discharged that same day so that i could go home to my kids. I later on found out that while I was having to watch my baby come out of me and deal with the guilt that I felt about my decision, in that same moment he went and cheated on me with some girl out on the street. While he was messaging me calling me a murderer and my whole world felt like it was falling apart he was out seeking pleasure. I would be 7 months pregnant right now. If he would've just gone with me. I feel devastated every time I think about it, any time I see a new baby or a woman pregnant. No one talks about the hurt that some women go through after such a difficult decision but after months of hurting so much and hating myself for it I'm learning to live with my choices and realize that I am not the only one. And I'm sure this isn't the worst case of it either. But for whoever this might touch, I hope it helps you. I hope you forgive yourself.

Read next: The State
Melissa Castillo

I've been through enough at such a young age that I'd love to reach some hearts and make sure some don't go through the same.

See all posts by Melissa Castillo