Confessions of an Accidental Karen

Just to be clear: I didn’t call the police on some innocent Black or Brown person just living their life. No, I did not demand to speak to the manager. But potential Karenism is everywhere.

Back when we were still doing things like going to brunch, I went with a friend to a nice French bistro. We were both starving and eager to try the authentic French cuisine. For some reason, I had not had coffee that morning. This was very unusual for me, and it became important to our story.

We ordered, and food quickly appeared – fluffy omelettes, brioche, smoked salmon… we regarded it all with salivating delight. It wasn’t until the waitress left that I noticed something missing.

“Where’s the coffee?” I asked.

Unfortunately, it came out in a rather demanding tone, more loudly than I’d intended. “Where’s the COFFEE?!”

I was surprised rather than angry. Now that I thought of it, it seemed odd no coffee had appeared before our meal. Usually coffee is served soon after you sit down. The place was busy, but our food had appeared as quickly as though the chef had anticipated our arrival and knew exactly what we wanted.

But I really wanted coffee.

I looked around wildly, and our waitress rushed over. “We don’t have any coffee,” I said, still in a tone which might be taken as aggrieved. Then I added the fatal, “I thought it would be here by now.”

I didn’t mean it in a mean way, but as soon as the waitress apologized and went off to fetch coffee, I saw my friend staring at me. Then she started laughing. “You’re a Karen!”

I was horrified. “No I’m not! Oh God, was I terrible?”

She reassured me I wasn’t terrible. But I felt terrible. I’m not a demanding person, usually. I’ve even been a waitress (briefly) myself, and had other public-facing service jobs. I know something of what it’s like to be rushed, and to be invisible, and to feel like my inner panic about being rushed itself needs to be invisible so I can show a smiling face to the world.

The waitress returned with the coffee. And a large frisée salad, courtesy of the manager.

I thanked her profusely and apologized, mortified. “I didn’t mean to sound…” Like a Karen.

My friend was still grinning. The waitress laughed and assured me it was fine.

I laughed too, relieved but still not feeling quite right about it. Later, on the way out, I joked that I hoped they wouldn’t ban me from coming to the restaurant, have me on some list so that every table would be magically booked for the next five hours every time they saw my face.

We tipped extra-well to convey that I was not actually critical of the service. As I mentioned, the place was busy, and apparently the coffee ran behind the crowd’s consumption. It reminded me of the knife’s edge businesses are on nowadays, where one bad Yelp review, justified or not, can inflict real damage on reputations and revenue. No doubt the manager had that in mind when he authorized the free salad. Good customer service, and good business, for the cost of a few pieces of lettuce.

But – That is not me, was my first, horrified reaction. Although it was a minor incident, it was a good reminder to be more mindful of how I communicate. Our communication means something, not just in the words we use but the tone. And of course, service workers cannot respond back in kind without the risk of being fired. I was lucky, the waitress laughed as well, once she understood I wasn’t really upset. I could have taken the time to phrase it better, and to use a more questioning tone, but I doubt I ruined anyone’s day.

But later, I thought of something else. Karenism is rightly called out when women are being entitled, rude, disrespectful, or worse, racist. But it has also become in danger of being a catchall term for any woman who speaks up. I was raised in a generation where girls were expected to be nice. Not complain, not raise their voice. I’ve been “nice” and been cheated or disregarded, looked down on as lesser (it doesn’t help that I’m tiny and “cute”). We still deal with the dismissal of and disrespect towards women of all ages (and even more so for Black women and women of color), in business, social, and legal arenas.

The knee-jerk reaction of calling someone a Karen needs to be examined, so it doesn’t become just another way to silence women. Absolutely, call out those whose behavior really needs to be called out. When politeness and respect fly out the window, when entitlement runs amok, when racist acts are perpetrated, then yes, of course. But let’s not let it become an insult used any time a woman questions the situation or makes a request. Let’s recognize that many women still have to walk that old tightrope between “assertive” and “bitchy” and beware of throwing around terms that demonize or try to silence them. And in the process, keep teaching our girls that speaking up can be weaponized against them.