A Mile In Her Shoes

Author's Note: I realize that, especially now, this is a sensitive topic for so many. I have no inclination to raise political arguments or thoughts. I am sharing the personal experience of what it is like to be a woman, from this woman's perspective, and how it feels to walk through this world ... afraid. For all of the men out there willing to listen, and all of the women who will relate, this is for you. 🖤

🖤 Please enjoy this (very appropriate) song while you read 🖤

Last week I had to complete a mandatory online training seminar in order to continue attending online school. The seminar was essentially a collection of silly videos that discuss the risks to women (and men) on college campuses. You know the kind I’m talking about. Like those car crash videos they show you in high school to deter you from drinking in driving, except these are all about sexual assault and domestic abuse, specifically against women. They share the statistics and tips to avoid the risks, etc. As an online, nontraditional student in my thirties, I thought it was silly that I was expected to take the same training that the incoming and first-time freshmen were required to take.

Don’t get me wrong. I think these types of videos and trainings are vastly important, whether they seem silly to the viewers or not, but why would I need to watch them? I don’t go to parties and accept drinks from strangers or walk into strangers dorm rooms. Why on earth would I need to take this silly course? Why would I need to sit through these slightly ridiculous videos when I already know the risks associated with simply being a woman? I am a woman, after all. I’ve been afraid to walk alone at night since before I had breasts. I’ve carried pepper spray in my purse and instinctively reached for it when I saw a shadow in the streets only to laugh at myself as some stray cat emerges from the depths with a shriek.

No. I’m not paranoid. I’m not overly fearful and jumpy. I’m just a woman. We learn young how to live with the fear until it no longer feels like a stranger to us. We live with the fear like it’s our best friend. Because in the end, it is. It’s our best friend and strongest ally against a world that wants to make us into victims. The fear is only natural, and we wear our fear like a badge of honor, knowing it is what keeps us safe. Sure, we know it isn’t fair or normal or right that we have to be afraid in this world. We might fight against it, against the world, against the oppression, but in the end, that’s just the way life is right now.

We’re not victims. We’re not man haters. We’re not unreasonable. We’re just women. It comes with the territory.

So, because of all of my years of experience as a woman – a girl born and raised, gone through puberty, matured, and grown-up woman – I thought there was no need for me to pay close attention to these videos. I played a game on my iPad while the videos played through, already aware of the dangers of walking alone at night, accepting drinks from literally anyone, and all of the other risks there are to watch out for on the ever-growing list of dangers.

I was just tap, tap, tapping away at my game when suddenly my ears pricked up and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. My heart started racing, and my skin was tingly. What was it? What did I hear on the video about being stalked and raped? I’ve never been the most attractive woman in my friends’ groups – always surrounded with beauties who were thinner than me, so I never really thought of myself as at risk for many of these things. Then I heard something that changed everything. I heard something that set bells clanging in my mind and changed everything I thought I knew about myself and my past.

I have been the victim of MANY crimes over the years. Though, like all victims, I hate that word. I was never very good at playing the victim. I was a kicker and a screamer since before I could walk. I learned at a very young age how to back my own father into a corner, and I still remember the numerous times that my demon child of a stepbrother tried to attack me, only to find me ready, waiting, and snarling in anticipation. Still, something they said struck a nerve.

In the videos, they repeatedly referenced sexual assault as the lack of a Clear and resounding yes. I’ll let that sink in for you the way it had to for me… The woman (or man) does not need to say no for it to be assault. They do not need to fight back or shove the person away. It is just the lack of a clear and resounding yes or invitation. I have never thought of myself as the victim of sexual assault, and I still don’t. But I can say that these new, more clear boundaries made me think. They should make us ALL think! How many women (or men) can look back at their life and think of a sexual encounter that they really didn’t want to happen, but didn’t know how to stop? People think of sexual assault as only forcible rape with physical harm. But how many women look back at a sexual encounter or make-out session with that icky feeling? How many felt that they weren’t allowed to say no? How many times did the fear of rejection, judgement, bullying, sneering, teasing, violence, or ANY OTHER FALLOUT cause them to go against what they wanted to do – or DID NOT WANT TO DO?

These new ideas and memories came flooding into my mind. How many other women have an encounter with a man that they feel deep regret and shame over? I’m not talking about that “walk of shame” or “morning after regret” feeling. I’m talking about an encounter that you wanted to stop the whole time or wanted to go differently, but did not feel you were able to speak up? Maybe it was with someone you’re still with or someone you love. Is it their fault? Society’s? Our own?

We need to really examine this about all of us, whether we are male or female. Why is it so hard to say no for women? And what is it about women (or should we say what is it about so many men) that make men think that we have to be slapping them in the face and screaming for help for it to mean that we aren’t interested? Maybe this whole “no means no” thing is doing as much damage to women as “stranger danger” did for kids. Maybe it should be more along the lines of “green means go.” But, really, that’s not good enough either. What needs to happen is that men and society need to allow women to have the right to say no or yes, or hell no!

Women need to be able to stand up for themselves in these moments without worrying about fallout.

These statistics really aren’t that reliable at all if women like me can suddenly realize that just maybe we should be listed. Then, there was the stalking portion. I have spent my life thinking, “yeah, right. Like anyone would ever stalk me!” Then, like a golf ball to the head, it hit me! I’m watching these videos and listening to the scenarios, and it becomes clear as day! I’ve been stalked by at least three men throughout my life! It fit all the criteria. I was scared. I stayed inside to avoid them. I was surprised by them everywhere I went. No just didn’t mean no to these guys. So, how come I went my whole life thinking I was not worth stalking?

What has society done to us women if we don’t even realize we are being stalked because we are just so used to things not going the way we would prefer? Is that just what being a woman in this world is? Getting used to things being uncomfortable? Getting used to not being heard? Getting used to being scared? Getting used to thinking it’s just us? Yes. That’s right. We are women – it goes with the territory.

Men may try to understand. They might acquaint themselves with the statistics. They may even have been victims themselves once, but they don’t understand completely. They never will. They can’t. Some of them have been victims before, and some of them understand – or at least think they do, try to, want to. Still, the statistics don’t lie, no matter how much you choose to ignore them.

• 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men in the United States has been raped in their lifetime

• 19.3 million women and 5.1 million men in the United States have been stalked in their lifetime

• 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female

• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime

• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime

*** Statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Now, please note that I am not at all attempting to minimize the fact that men also experience these risks, nor am I trying to devalue their experiences. However, please pay attention to the drastic differences in the numbers here between men and women. Yes. I acknowledge that many men do not report their attacks, BUT NEITHER DO MANY WOMEN! And at the end of the day, if you think that the stats are lying or that it’s not a true representation or have any other qualms with this, I invite you to start paying a little more attention to the small behaviors and habits of the women in your life and really look for the clues to their habit of caution, as I like to call it. Women have a habit of being cautious. Life has taught us this.

My husband thinks it’s silly that I take certain precautions when we go out. I carry a purse, but I keep my phone and vital documents tucked discreetly into my pocket so that if someone tries to rob me, I can throw them the purse but not lose my license and car keys. I carry pepper spray, sure. What woman doesn’t? But he laughs when I tell him I also used to imagine all the ways I could hurt someone with a tube of lip balm like it’s some ridiculous notion that I would ever be that desperate. He thinks it’s silly nonsense that I alter the way I walk and talk in public so that I do not come across as a victim. Of course, I think it’s silly nonsense that he thinks it’s silly nonsense.

On the one hand, it incenses me that he and other men don’t understand the reality of the way it is for women. On the other hand, I envy their sense of freedom and ignorance. What would that be like? I wonder. Not knowing the fear we women know all too well. What is it like to walk down a street at night with your eyes glued to your cellphone like it won’t be the death of you? What’s it like walking past a dark alleyway and not having your palms become sweaty and your heart leap into your throat as you prepare yourself for a quick defense? I wonder these things when I look at them as they walk. Their feet charging and bouncing ahead without care or fear. Sure, some of them have known fear and distrust, but it is still different, I believe.

To be a woman in this world is to be afraid, to be uncomfortable, to be misunderstood, to be victimized. Sadly, you do not have to act like a victim to be one.

Maybe we need to change the way we view ourselves as women and as men. Maybe we need to recognize that just because we’ve never been an outright victim, we could still have been traumatized. And just because you have never outright been an attacker, does not mean that you have never traumatized someone else. So, before you ask or wonder why a woman doesn’t trust you or seem to like men, look at the statistics again, think of the women in your life, your past… Watch the way the women you know walk compared to the men.

If you are a man, remember this… You have absolutely NO IDEA what it is like to walk in the shoes of a woman in this world.

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