You Don’t Get a Free Pass On Being Racist Because You’re Family

If your family and extended families are anything like mine, you know what it’s like to have a racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobic, or xenophobic family member. Maybe several. Perhaps a number of them have terrible views about all five things I just mentioned.

Some feel that you never should turn your back on your family. Others feel that people with these kinds of views should get a pass because “They’re family”. Or “Well that’s just them.” Oh, and this gem, “Well, it was a different time, they’re old”.

I’m sorry, “THEY’RE OLD?” As in, “They’re old enough to KNOW BETTER?” Yeah, that. My children knew how ignorant racism and bigotry were since grade school or earlier. So you’re telling me that small children know better than older, elderly adults do? Evidently.

We are not born to hate. Small children play with other small children in social settings, not caring if the other children look like them or have other differences. We as their parents teach them right from wrong. Sadly, many parents teach their children to be racists and bigoted.

Oh, they might not directly TELL them to be. Your actions and comments when little eyes and ears are watching and listings are often all it takes to set a young child onto the path of racism and/or bigotry.

Sometimes it’s the telling of cruel jokes. Often it’s the generalization of all people within a marginalized group, hearing your rants and raves about certain types of people, or even incorrect religious interpretations can set a young person on an ignorant, unaccepting path.

Sadly, our country has been founded and built upon the idea of racism, bigotry, and discrimination. I am certain that this has always been since the dawn of time and the appearance of mankind. I’ve heard that racism and bigotry are worse in many countries than even our own. That’s shocking and sad, both.

Since the rise of Donald Trump and his emboldening of so many ignorant people by being a prime example of a racist, bigoted political figure, I’ve observed so many people spewing hateful, terrible things online. Social media gives many people the idea that they can and should say anything they feel like, even if it can be viewed as racist, bigoted, sexist, or homophobic.

I have no patience for those kinds of posts made by those types of people. I have had quite a large social media following for about 15 years now. I’ve invited people from all walks of life into my own life. I’ve posted jokes, funny memes, and my political views while sharing some of my family life with them.

Basically, I’ve welcomed most people into my life virtually. For the longest time, I’ve offered an open invitation to join me, but it’s my right to end that online relationship as I see fit. This not only goes for the local people who I’ve never met. It also has included family, friends, and extended family who wish to keep up with me, my Bride, and our kids, as many people do with social media.

I’ve traditionally had a short-fuse regarding someone posting something racist, bigoted, or homophobic. I used to ask most people to clarify what they meant by their post and would give them a chance to either backpedal or apologize. I’ve lost a bit of patience over the past seven or eight years in the time that things seemingly have gotten worse regarding this topic.

Anymore, I just block people who post such ignorance. When a push of a button can erase someone who you may not even know in real life from your social media, why bother arguing? I’ve wasted too many hours trying to convince ignorant humans to try to be better citizens.

If you’re an adult and spouting racist, bigoted, homophobic, sexist things, it’s likely too late for you. And it’s certainly not my job to educate the world. I feel that I do a pretty decent job at trying to make a difference in the world regarding this topic through my writing.

That writing takes time, though. Time that I can’t spend wasting on arguing back and forth for hours on social media. In the past, I’ve done it. Literally hours of debate or doing the back and forth commenting thing. And for what? People almost never change their racist and bigoted views because someone on Facebook or Twitter tells them that they should.

So I’ve started just blocking anyone posting blatantly racist or bigoted content. Let them figure out why I’ve suddenly disappeared from their feed. Maybe they’ll put two and two together and decide to change for the better. I doubt it, but I can exit the equation with little to no effort and feel just fine about it.

With family, it’s a little harder. I’m not the type of person who thrives on creating drama. However, I stand very firmly in my beliefs, as a liberal person who fights for all of the good people in the world. People who are kind, empathetic, funny, entertaining, and all about equality for everyone. Those are my people, my tribe.

Family members, like all human beings, can be a let-down. Some of the worst examples of decent human beings are often members of your family or once-close friends. You are under no obligation to keep these people around in your life if they choose to be garbage human beings.

I can think of a couple of examples within my own family. One aunt of mine used to constantly post bible verses on her Facebook page. Some unkind things about non-believers and LGBTQ people as well.

I guess if that’s the image you want the world to have of you, that’s your business. But then she’d come over to my page when I’d post pro-LGBTQ posts. I’ve been an ally of just about all marginalized groups of people for many years. More so LGBTQ in the years since my daughter has been out as a lesbian.

My aunt knows this. She also knows my daughter is proudly gay. Yet she still felt the need to post comments like, “I don’t agree with this”. “That’s not what the bible says”. Or “Well, you know how I feel about that.”

Spoiler alert: I don’t give a FUCK how you feel about that. This post wasn’t about you. It’s about the things I believe in, the good that I stand for in the world, and my support of all people, not just the ones with the exact bigoted views you might have as a Christian.

I asked her more than a couple of times to kindly stop commenting on these types of posts I made, on MY social media page. She didn’t. So she was blocked. We haven’t communicated in a couple of years or more now. And I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

I’m very sad, disappointed, and angry about the recent overturning of Roe v. Wade and what it means for women living in red states right now. They will now almost certainly not be able to make their own choices about their reproductive rights. Some are going to die unnecessarily and that is tragic.

This has been an emotional hot topic for me for the past couple of months since I heard that this was likely going to happen. I have written numerous articles and even a pro-choice poem titled “A Pro-Choice Poem: How Dare You?” I am not pleased or in the mood to debate my feelings about a woman’s right to choose about her own body.

I just posted one of my latest political articles regarding the subject, “Oh, You Want An Abortion? Sorry, You Don’t Deserve One”, a piece that details scenarios of conservative men suddenly wanting or needing to get an abortion in their state and not being able to.

A Facebook friend noticed that someone reacted with a laughing emoji to that article. I checked to see who would do something like that. Yep, another “relative”. From a very, very red state. Big surprise.

I thought about calling them out on the post. Or possibly messaging them to ask why it’s funny to them that women’s rights are being taken away, especially in their home state. But I didn’t. This person isn’t someone you would be able to have an intelligent debate with. Their social media is full of racist, bigoted, and homophobic posts. It’s clear where they stand about diversity.

So I went with the easier method. BLOCK. This was not someone I was close to. I hadn’t talked to them in years. They’re related to one of my in-laws. I don’t feel I’ll be missing anything by not having him on my Facebook, laughing at my political and social views that I stand firmly behind. Good riddance.

When people refuse to respect the reasonable boundaries that you line out for them, they are not your friends. They are not being loving, kind, or caring toward you. They will likely play the victim after you make your stand and refuse to put up with their nonsense from that point forward. That’s fine with me.

You can tell other family members that I’m an asshole for being rude or mean back to you. You can post things about me being “lost” and that I’m going to hell for my beliefs. Whatever helps you to reconcile your shitty, racist, bigoted, homophobic beliefs. Just leave me the hell out of it.

I am far too loving and protective of my family to allow someone to belittle or judge them. We know what we represent to the world and what we are all about within my immediate family. I’ll put my Bride’s and my children’s kindness, acceptance, and positive views toward humanity far ahead of your bible-thumping, judgemental, fake-Christian beliefs. You won’t be missed.

Do not feel guilty about keeping family members and friends at arm’s length if their views conflict with yours. If they can be respectful enough to not push their religious or political agenda into your life or belittle you for being a better human being than they are capable of being, then keep them around.

If they ignore healthy boundaries that you set in place for yourself and refuse to allow you peace and harmony in your life because of the things you stand for, cut them loose. Your mental health and the self-esteem of your family are far more important than having to see and hear their racist, bigoted nonsense.

It’s ok to give them fair warning and have a conversation, but take care of your needs first. As well as the needs of your immediate family. Having a backbone as it relates to your relatives will be appreciated by your spouse/significant other and children greatly.

Never let anyone steal your shine. Don’t be bullied into silence. I am proud to stand for things that I know in my heart are right. Treating others with kindness, respect, and equality will be my method of living life until my last breath.